Muslimah at Work - Shaking Hands

It’s general knowledge that a good way to make a positive first impression when you meet someone is to begin with a solid handshake. The American Psychological Association has published a paper indicating that “a firm handshake may provide an effective initial form of self-promotion for women”

This has always been a tough one for me. Despite living in 21st Century multi-cultural London, most people still don’t seem to have clocked on that many Muslim women do not like to shake hands. Our faith prohibits unnecessary physical contact with men who are not mahram (or allowed) for us, such as our husband or close members of our family. As such, those of us raised in traditional or fairly conservative Muslim families will have had limited or no physical contact with men outside of our families.

Then you start looking for your first job. Interviews invariably begin with handshakes and not to reciprocate the offer of an extended hand seems like a good way to make sure you don’t get the job. Then you begin work and the continual rounds of meeting and greeting new people, both colleagues and clients means that the problem of the handshake comes up again and again.

I have to admit, coming from a conservative Asian family meant that shaking hands, making eye-contact and speaking assertively have always been problematic for me. We speak deferentially to our elders (through both habit and on pain of a smack with a slipper) and prolonged eye-contact with people outside of your family or peer group is considered either trashy (i.e. you are giving someone the come-on) or aggressive (because you are failing to show respect). Over time, I realised I needed to get over these hang-ups because in Western society it’s a given that if you don’t look someone in the eye when dealing with them, you must be a very shifty character.

I overcame this because one of my A’ level teachers realised that out of his class of 16 students, not one made prolonged eye-contact with him (every student in that class was Asian and female, though not all Muslim). He questioned this and we explained all of the above. He taught us that if we need to look someone in the eye and cannot bring ourselves to do so, then we should look at their nose – no-one can tell the difference (he also suggested that if we feel nervous, we should imagine the other person naked, but I might not take him up on that suggestion).

I have to admit at first, when I overcame these inhibitions and grew in confidence, I didn’t think about the implications of shaking hands on my faith and just went ahead without qualm. But as time went on, I started to question and feel very uncomfortable with this practise (salaah (our daily prayer) is a serious inhibitor of doing what you shouldn’t be).

At first, I looked for excuses, such as going to meetings or greeting visitors with my hands full of papers and files, saying hello with a big smile, a “follow me” and then whizzing off before they could think to volunteer their hand.

As time went on, I found my self saying, “Sorry, I don’t shake hands” (I’m English - we apologise for everything), this has led to a lot of people looking embarrassed or confused, but In suppose if you are open to their questions and polite, it can be a form of dawah too – and another sister might be spared this problem.

Over time though, as my work situation has changed and my confidence has waned, I have found that sometimes I lapse and then beat myself up over it. My best friend told me about a colleague she met from another branch of the organisation and her example has been of help to me. This very smart middle-aged lady on being approached with a handshake always smiles and says, “I’m afraid I don’t shake hands, but it is lovely to meet you” – how can anyone be offended by that?

A lot of sisters will look at this as a non-issue, perhaps especially those who avoid the world of work particularly because of these kinds of issues of mixing and contact. But some of us have to work, and some of us even choose to. This being the case we have to deal with these kinds of matters, and the hope is that we make things easier for the sister’s that follow us. In my last two or three job interviews I noticed that the panel did not offer to shake hands at all, which is also a step in the right direction.

Of course, this isn’t just a problem for sisters. My husband’s previous job for a wholesaler meant that he often met sales representatives. Once he was approached by a man and woman, he shook the male rep’s hand, but declined to shake hands with the woman. She asked why, and he explained that the only woman he will touch is his wife. Rather than take offence, she was moved by his devotion mash’Allah.

So for any non-Muslim readers, please try to be understanding, it’s not you personally (well in most cases anyway), it is the guidance of our faith.

For Muslim brothers and sisters – how do you deal with this issue?

"It is better for you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle than to touch the hand of a woman who is to permissible to you." ~ At-Tabarani in Al Kabir No. 486]

Any of the believing women who accepted the conditions of the verse and agreed to live by them were considered to have offered themselves for giving their oaths of allegiance. When they declared their committment to do so, the prophet, peace be upon him, would say to them, "You may go. I have confirmed your allegiance."
I swear by Allah, the prophet's hand never touched the hand of a woman. He would receive their oath of allegiance by spoken declaration. I swear by Allah, the prophet, peace be upon him, never took any vow from women except what Allah had ordered him to take and his palm never touched the palm of a woman. When he had taken their pledge, he would tell them he had taken their oath from them orally. ~Sahih Al Muslim Book on Government, No. 4602)