Lessons from Motherhood – For Those Not Listening.

I recently overheard a conversation (no I wasn’t listening, it’s an open plan office) between two of my colleagues about motherhood. They were two of a number of recently married, hip young women, in their mid-30’s, a little older than me and mostly a few grades senior to me.

They were discussing motherhood and thoughts about trying to conceive and options around leaving work. I thought to myself, I have been through all of this numerous times and learnt so much, yet I didn’t feel like I was part of that conversation. Perhaps because I felt like they couldn’t see my past my hijab and brown skin to imagine I had something worth saying. Perhaps I was unfairly assuming these things about them. Also partly, because I didn’t feel I could butt into their conversation uninvited – there should be a book about the etiquettes of the open plan office.

Anyway, it got me thinking about what I had learned through this journey of motherhood, so even though those ladies are not listening, I’m going to carry on and share my thoughts on this anyway.

1. If you are ambitious and want to do well in your career, know that having children will set you back in your career path. Unless you are a professional with a well-defined career path. I felt like six months of maternity leave put me back two year in my career for each child. At the same time, you cannot pursue what you want in your career path blindly – I gave up long hours, overtime and turned down many opportunities for interesting projects or jobs because I didn’t want to steal time and energy I currently give to my children. I was recently encouraged to go for an Olympic-related post dealing with local authority operations during the two weeks of the Olympics, when I didn’t, a lot of people asked me why. In the end I had to be honest and say I was not willing to work long hours as family was priority. But honestly, it doesn’t matter so much anymore – a small loss for a massive gain alhamdulillah.

2. Your priorities change, sometimes radically. My ambition to get to the top and prove myself has been replaced by a desire to do things that I enjoy and that are meaningful to me. I care less what others think and more about the effect of what I do on my children, the legacy that I will leave behind and the importance of my actions in the long scheme of things (a whole life and an afterlife).

3. You are stretched enormously as a person. Your temper, temperament and behaviour all come under your own scrutiny as you find that muttering a bad word under your breath suddenly means an unwanted addition to your child’s vocabulary, or your habit of flying of the handle soon starts to be exhibited in your little one. As your child’s first teacher and life-long guide, you have to strive so much harder to be a better person and find better ways of responding to the world.

4. If you are to have any chance of happiness as a mother, you have to tear up the rulebook and write your own rules. According to “them” the undefined world in general, whether you work, stay at home, home-school, do nothing with your kids and let them run wild, or do everything under the sun – you are still somehow doing it wrong. It helped me to think through and write my own definition of motherhood. So far the list of what works for me is:

- Love unconditionally
- Allow yourself to be loved
- Have fun, sing, laugh, play
- Let your children guide and lead you
- Come down to your children’s level
- Stop saying NO all the time
- Be honest
- Value and honour yourself as a mother
- Allow yourself to make mistakes and when you do to start again.

“Know that the cockeyed definition of motherhood to which most of us are trying to measure up, makes it very hard to love being a mom. Only when you begin to write your own definition of great mothering, embracing the contradictions within, will you truly feel at home in your new life” - Mary Stark.