Gender Prejudice: An Evolution in Attitudes?

I recently wrote an article for Aaila magazine about gender prejudice amongst parents:

I grew up in a loving home, but one that did not escape the South-Asian cultural preference for boys. As one of four sisters to a lone brother, this did none of us any favours.
People would commiserate with my mother for having so many girls with “it is Allah’s will” (in the same vein as other tragedies such as you have lost a loved one “it is Allah’s will”, your house burned down “it is Allah’s will”, you lost your job “it is Allah’s will”) I know that this always made her feel a little inferior in front of other women.
I have had a few responses from Sisters saying they have had similar experiences. It was good to hear from sisters and I believe it is also good to share our experiences and explore how we can move on from these situations and work to ensure they are not repeated in future generations.

These things are easier said than done, with behaviours and attitudes taking many generations to overcome, often being perpetuated unconsciously through us despite our best efforts. I was surprised then, about a conversation I had with Little Lady this week. I was trying to explain to her what I had written about in the article (she loves to write too and we often discuss what we are writing, with her trying to censor edit anything about her she does not like). She was amazed that this had happened, that people had felt sorry for my parents because they had so many girls. She seriously couldn’t conceive that such a thing could be true. She is desperate for a baby sister and is always happy when she hears someone has had a baby girl.

I had to describe to her the way people can behave and the things they sometimes used to say. She found it hard enough to believe that people don’t prefer girls, but harder still to imagine that someone could think that way about her beloved aunties (the “ma’khala’s” as she calls them – abbreviated from “my khala’s” meaning my mum’s sisters).
It made me realise that there had been some change in thinking. She hadn’t been exposed to the negative feelings about daughters in the way many in my generation had. To her being a girl was an extremely positive thing. I think there are a lot of things that contribute to this: having strong role models in her aunties, getting less negative bad vibes from her grandmothers generation (they seem to mellow in their views as time goes on), getting a positive role model in her dad’s behaviour towards women.

Funnily, this attitude appears in her brothers as well. Little Man recently commented “When I get married I’m going to cook the food and my wife will do work on the computer.” Some girl is going to be a very happy wife one day I think.

"Annette" Card

These pretty gems from a darling friend in America came in useful when I was asked to make a rather large (A3) card for someone:

Aaila September/October 2011 Issue

Assalam-alaikam,

The newest issue of Aaila (formerly Mum and Muslim) is out today with lots of fascinating articles.  This issue my contribution includes:

Experience and Confidence as a Muslimah Working Mother
As a Muslim and as a working parent, there are a number of challenges that one is likely to face. These can include colleagues’ attitudes towards modest dress or hijab, prayer during work hours, juggling your child’s needs with work demands, worries about how you are negatively perceived by your employers on one hand and teachers and other mothers on the other hand.


The above presents a quite a daunting set of challenges and most Muslim working mothers will have faced some of these at some point. Is it all bad news and negatives stories though? Having been a working mother for eight years, I have come to the realisation that the situation has not been the same throughout.

Miscarriage Before and After Having Other Children
As a young woman you have so many dreams and expectations. Your life is mapped out and you believe there is a set way of doing things: college, Mr Right, marriage, babies. So what do you do when things don’t work out as you expected? I was lucky Alhamdulillah. I pushed to finish college before I married. I married someone who was very kind and loving. I found a job and we found our own little place. I managed to get pregnant almost immediately after hubby joined me here from Pakistan, four months after we were married. I was a little freaked as I was 21 and felt like it had all happened so quickly. It didn’t take long to get used to the idea and started looking forward to this massive change to our lives.

The Importance of Faith in Raising our Children
I have lost count of the number of times I have been told by people that I am too strict, that I am too religious, that my children will dress modestly or pray when they are older.It’s a little disheartening that you try your best, which still leaves a lot to be desired and you are still discouraged in your efforts.

This is usually directed at my lack of a TV, my encouraging my daughter to pray with me, my not having computer games in the house and by my encouraging my children to dress modestly (the basic principles of covering upper arms and legs). It’s a little disheartening that you try your best, which still leaves a lot to be desired and you are still discouraged in your efforts.


Dealing with Gender Prejudice as a Mother I grew up in a loving home, but one that did not escape the South-Asian cultural preference for boys. As one of four sisters to a lone brother, this did none of us any favours.


People would commiserate with my mother for having so many girls with “it is Allah’s will” (in the same vein as other tragedies such as you have lost a loved one “it is Allah’s will”, your house burned down “it is Allah’s will”, you lost your job “it is Allah’s will”) I know that this always made her feel a little inferior in front of other women.

It annoyed the hell out of me and my sister’s, especially as people wouldn’t refrain from this behaviour right in front of us. It wasn’t good for my brother either, to have all of the pressure to achieve focussed solely on him – of course this backfired and he rebelled unbelievably through his teen and early twenties.

Getting your Groove Back Post-Pregnancy I remember during my first pregnancy that despite the glowing skin and thicker hair, I couldn’t wait to have the baby and then get back to my size eight dress size again.  A few days after I had had my daughter, a friend who had a little boy commented on how funny the body looked for a few days after having a baby. I smiled, but thought, it wasn’t very funny at all. I had felt terrible – I still looked pregnant.



Mash'Allah, there are so many good articles, I will work my way through and then highlight some more I found useful insh'Allah.

Messy Girl or Fussy Mama?

Little Lady and I have been deadlocked over one issue for the last two or three years: her messiness. I seem to spend all day telling her to pick her things up, to tidy her toys and clothes away, to put things back where they come from. Regardless of my repeated reminders, she seems to leave a trail of her things around the house giving us a clear idea of where she has been.

I’m convinced she is the messiest child in the whole world. Her pyjamas’, uniform and daytime clothing get left in both her bedroom and mine, leaving three sets of clothing to be cleared away every day. Every evening, I have to get her to clear piles of toys, books and clothes off of the boy’s bed so that they can get into the bed.

In have been trying to get her to clear up her own mess rather than letting her gran trail around behind her and pick things up. I ask her to clear up, then I ask her to put away specific items, then I tell her where to put them. In the end I have to stand over her and tell her what to do with each item she has left out. This is a bad use of our time and aggravates both of us.

We have tried reward charts, promises and agreements. I have even tried threatening to confiscate her things, giving some of her things to charity and refusing to buy her anymore things. Nothing works; the trail of hurricane Little Lady is left all over the house.

In the end I had to take a longer look at what I was trying to achieve. I want my children to have good habits, to be clean and neat some of the time (within reason, I know this is real life) and to take care of their things themselves. I am not willing to follow around like a maid and pick up after people all day long.

I realised that perhaps part of the problem was in my thinking and approach. Little Lady is not trying to be wilful or wind me up; she just doesn’t see the mess. I am reminded of a story a lady once told me. After having her third child, she asked her husband to put the house in order before she got home from the hospital as she needed rest and would not be able to rest if there was mess everywhere. He reassured her that the house would be immaculate. She came home to find piles and piles of dirty clothing, dirty dishes and toys and the following exchange ensued:

“But you said you would tidy up?”
“I did tidy up”
“But what’s all this mess?”
“That’s not mess, they are clothes”
“What about all this?”
"That’s not mess either, those are dishes.
“What’s this then?”
“That’s not mess, those are toys”

Her husband just could not see what she could see. I think part of the reason is the different way we interact with the world. I am extremely visual and I cannot function if I see clutter, this means I am probably fussing about mess and seeing dirt where there probably isn’t very much. Little Lady strongest sense for perceiving the world is her hearing. She cannot stand too much noise, so when her brothers are noisy or I keep calling her or nagging her she is unable to concentrate and gets irritated and upset (whereas I usually phase out everyone’s noise easily).

Realising this has made me try and nag her less and let her have some messy space around her bed if she wants. Another thing I find helps is to join in. I might spend 10 or 15 minutes talking to them and trying to get them to put their things away, or get up and start putting things away and telling them to join in and they will all get up and the room will be clear in 2-3 minutes.

In the end though, I am having to realise that with kids I can’t expect things to be perfect and neat and tidy, messy and fun is a valid choice also, but I think I will keep working on hurricane Little Lady for now.

Gratitude Journal 07.10.10 - New Shoes

I love, love, love the colour geen...you'd never guess would you?

Gratitude Journal 04.10.11 - Unexpected Treats from the Garden

It's October, but the garden seems to think it's May.  The hot weather late in the year means that there are still vegetables growing outside, including our first few bell peppers, more of the courgettes that we have been cooking all year and even a strawberry has appeared.  The grapes have been out there so long that although the vine has turned brown, the grapes have started to turn sweet.