The last
fortnight or so has seen me in a strange mood with my husband being his patient
and sensible self and trying to quietly support me through it.
I’ve been
thinking a lot about my past and how it has affected my future, how it has
affected my life chances and my children’s chances. All this navel-gazing and introspection has
not been very helpful and has left me anxious and worried and feeling quite
down.
If you have
read this blog for any length of time, you’ll know that being happy is my
default and the way I am made to be, so I can’t stay miserable for long. You’ll also know that I believe that we
should trust in what Allah (SWT) decides, knowing that he loves us and wants
what is best for us. But sometimes it’s
just silly-season in my head and I can get caught up in over-thinking and
self-pity.
Anyway, what
set this off was trying to sort out Little Lady’s secondary schooling. We really want her to go to an Islamic school
and we are already finding that many of the schools are full up for next year
even if you can afford the fees. Most of
the schools are boarding schools and the idea of sending her away is really
hard for me. The local ones are heavily
over-subscribed
The schools
in our borough are amongst the best in the country and therefore, again,
heavily oversubscribed, our local catchment area school is the one I went to, a
school where being intelligent was a curse and something you had to hide and
where I was one of the only children in my class that didn’t smoke. Its standards have improved over the years
and it is middle of the borough’s league tables for GCSE attainment but it
remains the school from which the highest number of people referred to the
juvenile justice system in this borough originate. Little Lady is tough enough to handle such a
school, but why should she have to?
Little Lady
didn’t get the grades in her 11+ exam to get into Grammar school either. I feel like I have let her down, that perhaps
I should have started tuition earlier, pushed her harder or perhaps put her in
more classes and courses from a tiny age.
At the same
time I someother things have been bothering me.
There are people around me that make me feel judged and insecure. I know that no-one can make me feel that way
except myself. Yet every time my
children behave less than perfectly, or my weight gain shows or my clothes and
hair look shabby, or someone comes to my house, I feel as if they are looking
down at me. I know that this is
ungratefulness for all that Allah (SWT) has given me. But I feel that I have worked so very hard
for the last fifteen years, despite starting behind everyone else.
As a child my
parents struggled to make ends meet and my dad did not support my
education. He didn’t want me to study
past the compulsory 16 years of age. I
went to the crappy local school and the even crappier local sixth form by
pleading, negotiating and keeping a very low profile. People sneak out to go to parties and clubs;
I used to sneak out to go to school.
Getting permission to go to university was one of the hardest things I
have had to do. I had enough grades to
go to the best university in the country for my chosen subject, but quietly
attended the one nearest me, all the time avoiding anything outside lessons
hours so that I could be home at the earliest time. I worked part-time and negotiated my hours so
that I could always avoid evening hours which my parents would not approve of.
As soon as
university finished I married my husband in Pakistan. This was the best thing I ever did and marrying
him the best thing that ever happened to me.
That didn’t mean it was easy. I
could not do any post-graduate study and had to go straight into work to be
able to sponsor him to come here. This
meant that my degree was useless and I could not become a professional in any
field. I am feeling the consequences of
that today when I feel stuck in a job I detest but which pays my bills and
which I get the impression from my employers that I should feel grateful for.
We originally
intended to move from where we live to somewhere the schools are better for my
children. After a few years of looking
we were unable to find somewhere we could afford which wasn’t drastically
smaller and have given up and decided to stay where we are and where we can
stay close to the wonderful Muslim community around us. But that does mean we haven’t invested in our
house and the whole house needs to be done up – no matter how much I clean the
bath and kitchen it looks grubby and due to the number of people living and
staying here at different times the house is full of clutter.
I met a
friend recently who lives in a nice part of the borough; she told me she is
moving to another area for the schools.
An area I have always dreamed of living in. It felt so unfair. I wish her well and do not envy her
life. But I did start thinking about the
fact tthatt she started in good circumstances and moved onto better
circumstances. I’m here flailing,
hustling, fighting for my children and never feeling like I am getting
anywhere.
I would say
sorry for the pity-party, but I’m not. I
had to get it out. I absolutely love
this blog because it gives me the chance to put things on paper. Now I have written these things down, I can
see how ridiculous and ungrateful they seem.
In your head though these things swirl round and round and round and
bump against every insecurity and sadness and magnify and become overwhelming.
Once written
down, they seem to lose their power.
Regarding the issue with Little Ladies schooling, I know I have
tried. I don’t believe in hot-housing,
or taking your child’s childhood away from them by making them work so hard
there is no time left for play. I will
try my best for my child, not to be the best educated or the most successful,
but the best version of herself. I will
support her in trying to grow her innate gifts and skills and make the most use
of them in whatever situation we find ourselves in.
A musician must make music, an artist
must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself.
~ Abraham Maslow
Regarding the
house, I have to keep reminding myself that I am lucky to have my own
place. Most of our friends are renting
and the rent in our area is sky-high (£1400 per month for a house in my
neighbourhood and still hard to find an empty place) leaving them
struggling. I will be getting on hubby’s
house to do something about the house though, because I want to live somewhere
clean and comfortable at least.
With regards
to my education and mind-numbing job, this coming year is the one I will have
to do something to create change. I
intend to do my Masters degree whether I have the money, capacity, health and
support or not.
Regarding my
self-esteem, I need to remind myself of my values and of what my faith
says. I need to avoid the shallow people
who judge you by your outfit, your hairstyle, your home decor, your last
holiday or your husband’s job. I need to
avoid the people who think it is okay to make rude comments or give you advice
to “sort” out things, the same people who judge me as lacking in self-control
because I am heavier than I was. The
same people who are four or five years younger than me and act is if I’m an old
aunty because I wear hijab and have more than two children. I also need to have the confidence to
challenge those people. Just because I
am always nice to people, doesn’t mean I can’t not be (at school I was known as
the girl with the nastiest, foulest mouth, I can easily dig that little madam
up again if need be).
At the same
time there will always be crappy people somewhere around me. Their existence, views and opinions should
not affect my life, thinking or self-esteem in any way. That should come from my own values: my
faith, my family, service, love and gratefulness.
As to my
past, I need to let go of those things and not blame others for my situation,
the honest truth is that the majority of the world are worse-off than me. As my best friend reminded me this weekend –
it is wrong in Islam to say “what if?” or think about what could have
been. What Allah has chosen for us is
the best for us and what was always meant to be.
I agree, I
don’t believe in comparing with others.
People who are successful on the surface can sometimes be facing the
most painful problems – no one knows what another person is truly living
through.
So after all
of the venting, moaning, dissecting and accepting, comes the being still and
being grateful – for my health, my children, my husband, my home and most of
all my faith.
These next
few days I will work to leave all of this junk that has been in my head behind,
to let go of these ridiculous little insecurities and then to move forward
feeling good about myself and ready to do good things.
I am grateful
to anyone that has actually read to the end of this post and I am truly
grateful to my lovely husband who is patient and supportive through these
occasional crazy moments (and rude people beware!!!)
And (remember)
when your Lord proclaimed: “If you give thanks, I will give you more (of My
Blessings), but if you are thankless, verily! My Punishment is indeed severe.” ~
Quran (14:7)
“Look at those below you (less fortunate than
you), and don't look at those above you, for this is better.” ~ Muslim
“O Allāh,
make me content with what you have provided me, send blessings for me therein,
and place for me every absent thing with something better.” ~ Bukhāri
“Whoever sets
the Hereafter as his goal, Allah gathers his affairs for him, gives him
richness of (faith in) the heart and the world will come to him grudgingly and
submissively.” ~ Ibn Majah & Ibn Hibban
