Holding my Tongue and Getting Moving

There are so many times when I have spoken and regretted it but I have never stayed silent and regretted it.
There are so many times when I have spoken and regretted it but I have never stayed silent and regretted it.
There are so many times when I have spoken and regretted it but I have never stayed silent and regretted it.
There are so many times when I have spoken and regretted it but I have never stayed silent and regretted it.

That is my mantra this morning. Every time I want to shout at someone or vent my bad mood, I remind myself of the above fact. It is one of those days, turning into one of these weeks. I have been finding myself getting anxious about so many things and allowing myself to get wound up. This morning I woke up and I could feel the rage bubbling up. After many years of hard work I have learnt to manage and short circuit my very nasty and somewhat violent temper. But every now and again it bubbles up and stamping on it, pushing it down and holding it back does not work. It just makes it worse when it erupts.

The last few days have been nothing special: work, home, cooking, kids, a little blogging, some visiting. But for some reason, all sorts of ordinary situations have caused me to break out in disproportionate anxiety. Looking back I am starting to realise that there are all sorts of issues that I need to face up to and grapple with. The one annoying me the most is work. No matter what way I try to approach my work, I have realised I have to face up to the fact that I HATE, HATE, HATE my work at the moment. I am a people person, I love to work with people, I love to help and encourage people and make a difference. I have a wonderful team and a very fair manager, but I cannot stand a moment more plotting statistics and trying to make sense of them. I am getting to the point, where I literally cannot. This is coupled with the fact I leave at 4pm as my husband is waiting outside to pick me up. If someone starts a meeting, or a long conversation or a telephone call at 4, I start panicking and feeling sick from anxiety because I know my poor husband is waiting outside, probably has to get to a job and we have to get out daughter to Arabic class and I have to nurse the baby. Did I mention that I have to come in on my day off for a meeting this week about....performance!!!

At the same time, I have become acutely aware of my weight this week. After attending a registry and seeing pictures of myself looking like I was pregnant with twins, I felt rather shocked and confused. I have never cared about being bigger, nor has hubby minded. Over the last few weeks I have been watching my eating habits and I have lost a little weight, so the pictures were shocking to me. Part of the reason is that I don’t walk as much as I used to. It’s hard to find time in the busy day and I don’t always feel safe in some parts of my neighbourhood. Hubby doesn’t always have time to accompany me and I found myself getting very, very annoyed with him as over the course of the last year I have lost my strength and stamina. (I seriously had to work hard to hold my tongue this morning).

We are also looking at secondary schooling for Little Lady at the moment, which I am finding very stressful. She has just sat her 11+ exam for grammar school. We get the results in mid October, we also have to submit five options for a high school by the end of October. Instead we would like for her to attend an Islamic madrassah school and I am trying to find out as much as possible about good schools and their enrolment process and requirements and get our applications in early. It feels like such a momentous thing and a turning point that will affect the rest of her life that I am scared of making a wrong decision or not doing enough for her (I also know that most of our family and friends will not support our decision and I am gearing up for their response).

I keep telling myself that I should be grateful, that I am lucky to have so many blessings in my life. But being grateful doesn’t mean putting up with things that make you miserable. I realise now that I have to take responsibility myself. The only thing that helps me to take care of my anxiety is to take action. So this morning I will be speaking to my manager and explaining my situation very carefully. I will ask him to give me 20 minutes notice if he needs me to stay after 4pm so I can manage my other responsibilities a bit better. I am also going to start looking at courses for a proper qualification in the area I did my degree in (psychology) so that I don’t have to do work that makes me want to hit someone. I am going to start walking every day after work. The early morning is ideal, but it’s still too dark at that time. I am going to have to make time for myself and stop feeling guilty about it. I am going to keep making dua to Allah (SWT) to find a way for my daughter to have an excellent Islamic and academic education that helps her to serve this ummah and fulfil her potential. I have to trust that Allah (SWT) is listening and steers us towards what is best for us.

So this morning I will try to be calm. I will try to hold my tongue and smile. I will try not to kill anyone (but no promises) and I will take action on the things that have made me feel anxious and unsettled for so long.