Are Small Families Better?

I remember growing up the oldest of five, how much I yearned for a bedroom of my own.  I used to wonder what it would be like to be an only child and not have to share, then immediately feel guilty because I knew I would not want to wish any of my siblings away.

The other day, mum-in-law was encouraging me to delegate more chores to the children, saying I do too much for everyone and must be careful or I would be old before my time.  I agreed that with hubby away in Pakistan, working and managing a busy household was starting to take its toll.  I haven’t had a holiday for some time and unlike my five sisters-in-law in Pakistan I had never gone to stay with my parents for a break (they only live five minutes away, so I suspect my family would just follow me there).

Little Lady piped up that this was why small families were better.  For some reason this got me really cross.  I told her off a little and reminded her that it was not the size of the family but the character of the people in it and the quality of your relationships that determined what was better and that we should be grateful for our family.

I knew at the time why I had gotten annoyed.  A large family seems to imply carelessness.  That we decided to have lots of children and now can’t manage. Or that we are too stupid to understand the concept of family planning.  Comments about large families can feel like a personal attack whether they are intended that way or not.  There is the implication of being careless, ignorant or backward.  There are those who point out the greater use of resources and the difficulty and cost of raising one child let alone many.

I committed to the belief a long time ago that when Allah (SWT) decrees something it will happen even if you and the whole world are against it and if Allah does not will something, there is nothing that you or the whole of His creation can do to make it happen.  Every life has an allotted time to come into this world and an allotted span.  It is written and fixed and nothing to do with what we want but is what Allah (SWT) has decreed.

I was never that interested in babies.  I read Psychology at university and attended every class religiously except the Child Psychology module which I had no interest in and bunked off of.  I didn’t have Little Lady until three years into my marriage as I wanted to enjoy life with my husband and my first taste of freedom after the restrictions of my parents’ house.  But with each baby that came into my life, I was proud and grateful.  With each new baby we made space in our home, our heart, our family and in our vision for the future.

I remember when I found out I was expecting number five.  I had just spent the first week of that year making big plans for my life and at the end of that first week, I found out that I was pregnant.  I cried out of fear of the sickness and difficulty I knew I had to look forward to nine months of misery, but the timing also felt like a massive reminder that:

“They plan, and Allah plans. Surely, Allah is the Best of planners.” ~ Quran (8:30)

Now after four children that take after their dad’s family, I have a fifth who looks like me, has my energy and some of my nature (my short sharp temper and my interest in everything) and who is my beloved little doll,

With each child we did not worry about money, as a Muslim I believe that every child brings it’s own rizq (sustenance) with it into this worls and we trust in the abundance of Allah (SWT)’s blessings.  As Muslim’s we don’t necessarily ask for more, but for what we have to be blessed and sufficient, this is the concept of “barakah”.  We could have more and it might still not be enough to meet our needs.

My mum-in-law has six sons, they squabble, fall out and have each other’s back when needed, but the thing I admire, is how much they respect their parents and how all of them understand their duty to care for their elderly parents.  I know families who doted on their children, but now either complain their child does not bother with them or put on a brave face and carry on alone telling people that their children come whenever they can.  The number of children does not seem to be a deciding factor, but the sense of responsibility and duty does.

People complain that large families use up an unfair share of resources on an already overpopulated planet.  I believe that every one of us has an amount of resource or wealth written for us when we are born and we receive it whether we run after it, or it chases after us.  As one of five siblings and married to one of eight, I have seen my mum and mother-in-law take great care not to be wasteful.  My mum-in-law can re-use, upcycle and stretch a resource like no one else I have seen.  Take a men’s jumper and make a boys tracksuit? Take leftovers and make a whole new meal?  Take a something broken and repair it or use it for a different purpose?  Mum-in-law is a complete expert, if it was up to her, next to nothing would get thrown away and every penny would be well spent on a necessity.

As a child, four siblings felt like a lot, as an adult, I am grateful for my siblings, for the help and support we give each other and my parents and I pray for a future with them all in it for a long time insh’Allah.

So is a smaller family better?  I believe that it is not the size of the family, but how well-raised it is that matters.  It is not the amount of material resources you have, but how effectively you instil faith and good character into your family.  When all five of mine decide to start fighting or are stuck inside in rainy weather going crazy then five is a large number.  When they are all at school or asleep and hubby is away and the house has been quite for a few hours, even five becomes a very small number.