My in-laws have been here for about two
weeks now. Usually one will come to stay with us for a few months in the summer
and the other will stay behind in Lahore to keep an eye on the household there. This time we thought it best they come
together as it didn’t seem right to separate them as they got older.
It seems they might not have thought
the same. Mum-in-law has lost some of
her sight and mobility in the last year or so and it has made her quite
depressed, she seems to be grieving her independence and struggles with both pain
and the guilt of feeling that she can’t help out more. It is a way of being that makes me sad – she has
worked hard all her life and is fully entitled to rest and focus on herself now,
but still she feels that she has to “pay her way” almost by doing her share.
Dad-in-law has lost his hearing and had
an operation to have stents put in his heart.
He refuses to wear his hearing aid, out of pride and a little vanity I
think, also I don’t think he likes to be considered old (at 75). He also refuses to change his diet and just
about takes his medicines with much harassment from mum-in-law and my
husband. The loss of hearing seems to
leave him a little isolated. It must feel
lonely to miss so much of what people are talking about and to feel left out of
conversations.
Someone once told me that the first
twenty years of a marriage belong to the man, the next twenty years to both the
husband and wife and the last twenty is when the woman is in control. Perhaps not anymore, but in a traditional
context, this seemed to make sense. The
man used to be the boss, until the children grew up and supported their mother,
then she would have the upper hand. In both my parents and my in-laws case, the
husband took on a very traditional role of bringing in an income and never ever
helping with the home or children – the very idea was strange to them. Their say was final and their way was law.
So now more than 40 years on, as the
men of the household lose their dominance, mum-in-law gets really upset about the
fact that she never had any help and dad-in-law listens even less then usual. So while she is protective of him and looks
our for his needs, she gets really, really cross with him. They have had a few squabbles over little
things like what to cook and whose going into the bathroom next. A few days ago she lost her temper and said
she wished she had not come with him, she was too old and poorly for his
teasing and obstinance. I felt for her
so much, she has had a lifetime of caring for so many but receiving so very
little care in return. So now whenever she
gets really annoyed, she tells dad-in-law to go wash some dishes or go to the
masjid to get him out of her hair.
It makes me so grateful for my husband
who is caring, helps with the housework and most of all puts others before himself
alhamdullilah. It also makes me think of the importance of self-care, investing
in your own health and happiness and not losing your own sense of self in the
service of your family. A message for
brothers also perhaps, don’t take for granted the wife who serves you with loyalty
and love, there may be a day when she is sick of the sight of you and no longer
dependent on you, you may then find yourself faced with contempt and
loneliness.
May Allah (SWT) grant our parents and
elder’s good health in their old age, comfort and peace of mind insh’Allah, may
He grant us the opportunity to serve and car for then and be a source of
happiness and comfort for them insh’Allah, ameen.
Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that
you be kind to your parents. If one of
them or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of
disrespect, or scold them, but say a generous word to them. And act humbly to them in mercy, and say, “My
Lord, have mercy on them, since they cared for me when I was small.” ~ Quran,
17:23-24
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said, "He is not of
us who does not have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" (Al-Tirmidhi).
Narrated
Abu Hurayrah: Allah's Apostle said: Let him be humbled into dust; let him be
humbled into dust. It was said: Allah's Messenger, who is he? He said: He who
sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he
does not enter Paradise (Sahih Muslim).
Anas
ibn Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (sallallahu
alaihi wasallam) said,“If a young man honours an elderly on account of his age,
Allah appoints someone to honour him in his old age.” (At-Tirmidhi)
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