Creating Perspective: On Love, Faith and Sacrifice.

I wrote recently about my experience of being without my husband as he is in India doing dawah work.  I suppose I vented a bit and let it all out.  I might have been quite negative.  But it really helped, I felt peaceful in the days afterwards and quite content – until I saw the comments under the post – I didn’t quite expect those.

I think people who have read my blog for a long time will have got a sense of two things – how lovely and supportive my husband is and how important faith and dawah work is to us.  I suspect that my vent-y blog post gave a skewed picture of what that means for us.  It has made me think I need to be more careful about what I share even if I do write anonymously.  I write with the purpose of sharing honestly to give an account of Muslim family life, to show we are just like everyone else, to connect with others and to learn from them.

My husband is one of the best people I know, both privately in the way he treats me and publicly in the way he serves his community, family, neighbours and faith community.  People often remark to me what a good man he is when they realise he is my husband – telling me how he has helped them at some point.  If I have given a different picture of him, then I have been unfair to him.

My husband goes for dawah work because we believe that someone has to do this work.  Everyone has excuses – lack of job or leave from work, elderly parents, financial responsibilities, young children.  We have most of those excuses, but for us these are not sufficient excuses. If he left for six weeks for a job elsewhere that is understandable, but to spread the word of Allah (SWT) in a time when there is a dire need, people see this as a waste of time and unnecessary.

So I support and encourage him, knowing he wouldn’t be able to go without my support.  He goes with certain unshakeable beliefs: that Allah (SWT) will provide all of our needs, that He will safeguard us against harm in my husband’s absence, that every test from him is a mercy to us and saves us from a bigger difficulty.  I believe that while he is away Allah SWT takes care of our affairs and that my dua’s (supplications) are accepted - so I see it as an opportunity to get all of my needs and desires met by the One who provides for and sustains us.

It seems hard for me, but in reality, it is harder for him.  His life has always revolved around my happiness, whether supporting me to work, or putting my happiness first in some other way.  Someone commented to suggest that he takes abuses and takes advantage of my insecurity. I wish that person could spend a day with me to see how insecure I am - when I am running my household, managing guests, rocking it in the workplace, throwing a party or standing up in my community.  My husband’s support has been the strength behind much of this – whether doing the school run every day for the last twelve years, picking and dropping me to work for ten years solid (in previous years), taking my mum everywhere with us, taxi-ing me and my sisters wherever we need to go, providing a man-free space when my niqabi friends come round or simply taking over the cooking and cleaning when I am tired.  I have yet to meet another man that is so willing to do his share so humbly – especially a Pakistani man at that 😊

More than anything it is hard to feel insecure when he has always made me feel like the most beautiful and adored woman in the world – through the years of rearing little ones and looking a mess and the years of gaining weight and getting older. He seems to see beyond every imperfection and only see the best in me, and make sure I know it.

And then there is the sweetness of finding each other new every time you are apart.  I spend the six weeks that he is away taking care of myself, doing what I want, and generally catching up on movies and books.  This stint in particular has been a time of growth for me – from finding my feet in the community, to learning to manage my in-laws expectations better (read not give a damn), to facing down my older kids, to reflecting on what the dream for life after 40 will look like (less than two months to go until that milestone), to losing lots of weight.  Did I mention not giving a damn? Gosh that feels good - like someone’s taken the shackles and the blinkers off at the same time.

Finally there are the days after he comes back. The nervousness in the days leading up to his return, his parent’s happiness.  He is sweeter than ever in those days, listening to my complaints, helping me as much as he can, trying to encourage me to take a break and generally agreeing to my every demand. He knows he can do what he does, because I do what I do.  That the hardship is our route to making an akhirah (afterlife) for ourselves - something neither of us take lightly. We believe that anything good requires some sacrifice. We believe that everything of this life is temporary and will be lost to us except that which we sacrifice for Allah (SWT). What we sacrifice to Allah (SWT) is what is most precious and beloved to us, that we want to find again in the next life, kept safe for us.  For both my husband and I that is each other – the foundation of each of our world is the other – he is the rock that makes me feel safe and loved, and I am the strength that encourages him do this work when many vilify him and make him doubt if he is doing the right thing.

Thirteen more days Alhamdulillah, before he gets back. That is thirteen more days that to feel safe and protected by Allah (SWT’s) promise. Thirteen days to have my dua’s accepted and all of my needs met.  Then thirteen more days before I can plan a fun summer with my better half insh’Allah.

Let there be a group of people among you who invite to goodness, enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong.  ~ Quran 3:104

Who is better in speech than the one who invites to God. ~ Quran 41:33

The Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)  said to ‘Ali (radhiallahu‘anh): “If Allah guides a person through you, it is better for you than all that is on the earth.” (Bukhari No. 2783 & Muslim No. 2406)