Creating Perspective: On Love, Faith and Sacrifice.

I wrote recently about my experience of being without my husband as he is in India doing dawah work.  I suppose I vented a bit and let it all out.  I might have been quite negative.  But it really helped, I felt peaceful in the days afterwards and quite content – until I saw the comments under the post – I didn’t quite expect those.

I think people who have read my blog for a long time will have got a sense of two things – how lovely and supportive my husband is and how important faith and dawah work is to us.  I suspect that my vent-y blog post gave a skewed picture of what that means for us.  It has made me think I need to be more careful about what I share even if I do write anonymously.  I write with the purpose of sharing honestly to give an account of Muslim family life, to show we are just like everyone else, to connect with others and to learn from them.

My husband is one of the best people I know, both privately in the way he treats me and publicly in the way he serves his community, family, neighbours and faith community.  People often remark to me what a good man he is when they realise he is my husband – telling me how he has helped them at some point.  If I have given a different picture of him, then I have been unfair to him.

My husband goes for dawah work because we believe that someone has to do this work.  Everyone has excuses – lack of job or leave from work, elderly parents, financial responsibilities, young children.  We have most of those excuses, but for us these are not sufficient excuses. If he left for six weeks for a job elsewhere that is understandable, but to spread the word of Allah (SWT) in a time when there is a dire need, people see this as a waste of time and unnecessary.

So I support and encourage him, knowing he wouldn’t be able to go without my support.  He goes with certain unshakeable beliefs: that Allah (SWT) will provide all of our needs, that He will safeguard us against harm in my husband’s absence, that every test from him is a mercy to us and saves us from a bigger difficulty.  I believe that while he is away Allah SWT takes care of our affairs and that my dua’s (supplications) are accepted - so I see it as an opportunity to get all of my needs and desires met by the One who provides for and sustains us.

It seems hard for me, but in reality, it is harder for him.  His life has always revolved around my happiness, whether supporting me to work, or putting my happiness first in some other way.  Someone commented to suggest that he takes abuses and takes advantage of my insecurity. I wish that person could spend a day with me to see how insecure I am - when I am running my household, managing guests, rocking it in the workplace, throwing a party or standing up in my community.  My husband’s support has been the strength behind much of this – whether doing the school run every day for the last twelve years, picking and dropping me to work for ten years solid (in previous years), taking my mum everywhere with us, taxi-ing me and my sisters wherever we need to go, providing a man-free space when my niqabi friends come round or simply taking over the cooking and cleaning when I am tired.  I have yet to meet another man that is so willing to do his share so humbly – especially a Pakistani man at that 😊

More than anything it is hard to feel insecure when he has always made me feel like the most beautiful and adored woman in the world – through the years of rearing little ones and looking a mess and the years of gaining weight and getting older. He seems to see beyond every imperfection and only see the best in me, and make sure I know it.

And then there is the sweetness of finding each other new every time you are apart.  I spend the six weeks that he is away taking care of myself, doing what I want, and generally catching up on movies and books.  This stint in particular has been a time of growth for me – from finding my feet in the community, to learning to manage my in-laws expectations better (read not give a damn), to facing down my older kids, to reflecting on what the dream for life after 40 will look like (less than two months to go until that milestone), to losing lots of weight.  Did I mention not giving a damn? Gosh that feels good - like someone’s taken the shackles and the blinkers off at the same time.

Finally there are the days after he comes back. The nervousness in the days leading up to his return, his parent’s happiness.  He is sweeter than ever in those days, listening to my complaints, helping me as much as he can, trying to encourage me to take a break and generally agreeing to my every demand. He knows he can do what he does, because I do what I do.  That the hardship is our route to making an akhirah (afterlife) for ourselves - something neither of us take lightly. We believe that anything good requires some sacrifice. We believe that everything of this life is temporary and will be lost to us except that which we sacrifice for Allah (SWT). What we sacrifice to Allah (SWT) is what is most precious and beloved to us, that we want to find again in the next life, kept safe for us.  For both my husband and I that is each other – the foundation of each of our world is the other – he is the rock that makes me feel safe and loved, and I am the strength that encourages him do this work when many vilify him and make him doubt if he is doing the right thing.

Thirteen more days Alhamdulillah, before he gets back. That is thirteen more days that to feel safe and protected by Allah (SWT’s) promise. Thirteen days to have my dua’s accepted and all of my needs met.  Then thirteen more days before I can plan a fun summer with my better half insh’Allah.

Let there be a group of people among you who invite to goodness, enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong.  ~ Quran 3:104

Who is better in speech than the one who invites to God. ~ Quran 41:33

The Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)  said to ‘Ali (radhiallahu‘anh): “If Allah guides a person through you, it is better for you than all that is on the earth.” (Bukhari No. 2783 & Muslim No. 2406)

Difficult Days – Counting the Minutes

My husband is away for dawah work again this month. For those who are regular readers of the blog, you will know that my husband goes out to preach through his masjid every year for forty days (through a group called Tablighi Jamaat).  It is something we believe in and value and has been a part of our practise of our faith for almost the entirety of our marriage (nineteen years this year alhamdulillah). 

We have always faced heavy criticism from my family, and sometimes his (but a little less so) for the way we choose to live our lives, but we believe that this is part of our faith and the rewards make it worth the sacrifices:

“And let there be [arising] from you a nation inviting to [all that is] good, enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong, and those will be the successful.” ~ Quran, 3: 104

“Invite to the Way of your Rabb with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious, for your Rabb knows best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance”. ~ Quran 16:125

“Whoever calls others to guidance will have a reward like the rewards of those who follow him, without that detracting from their reward in any way. And whoever calls others to misguidance will have a burden of sin like the burden of those who follow him, without that detracting from their burden in any way.” (Muslim)

As the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) says: “God, His angels and all those in the Heavens and on Earth, even ants in their ant-hills and fish in the water, call down blessings on those who instruct others in beneficial knowledge.” (Tirmidhi)

When our children were younger, I found it manageable for my husband to be abroad and to take care of the household.  Sometimes one or the other of his parents would stay with us to help with the school run.  I would face the criticism with silence and a smile or try to explain gently why we do what he does and the fact that he hasn’t left me to deal with everything, but that I support him to do so.  There was a small part of me perhaps that even enjoyed having my own space and routine for a few weeks each year. 

In contrast the last two or three years have proved a little more challenging.  The kids are getting older and as they become teens they have tested my every fibre.  I have had to learn to parent all over again and question everything I do and believe in.  I am not getting any younger and although I am grateful for my health, to my own surprise I get tired now.  My husband’s parents are older and have become quite frail with various health issues and greater need for help and care.  This means his going away the last few years was so much harder on me. 

This time around he has gone for six weeks to India, something he has wanted to do for years.  I was a little wary after the shenanigans my oldest children got up to last time he was away and the stress and exhaustion of trying to manage everything alone.  Perhaps I was right to be.  This time round has been the hardest.  I don’t know how I am still standing or everyone in the household is still alive knowing my short fuse when I am stressed.

I have been playing war games with the oldest two – although we seem to made some kind of truce where Little Lady has calmed down and is behaving (I think…) and I am not quite best friends with Little Man (although that never lasts long).

The house seems to have come alive and is hell bent on self-destructive behaviour – a nasty leak from the upstairs bathroom has damaged a downstairs wall and means all eight of us in the house have to use the creepy downstairs bathroom (as Darling calls it), home of spiders and strange smells. The kitchen ceiling has also sprung a leak when it rains.

The fridge stopped working and three weeks later is still not fixed with the company waiting for parts to turn up (we think the leak in the kitchen roof meant water might have gotten into the fridge). We have a small spare fridge someone has loaned us, which is sitting in the living room blocking my running machine.  It’s so small that I have to cook more often because I can’t cook big portions to refrigerate – which is hard work with a family as big as mine that all have different dietary requirements (in-laws) or just refuse to eat certain things (in-laws and kids).

I have had a litany of fines and penalty notices to deal with, including one for a congestion charge that I pre-paid online and another because there were cones near my house to reserve a parking space – I don’t even drive!  That’s not counting the two penalty notices my husband left and asked me to resolve – I managed to get all of them cancelled – I am getting very good at it alhamdulillah.

My in-laws need a lot more help now – from the little things like using their mobile phones, to the bigger ones like finding they are intolerant to certain foods and need a special diet.  I have been struggling to keep track of their appointments, medications and complaints.  They are also eligible to use the NHS for some things and not others, so I have been having ongoing discussions with hospitals and doctors about what they can and cannot treat and trying to avoid doing anything that will land me with a massive bill.  This causes great anxiety for them and I have to limit what I tell them and answer the same questions again and again to calm them down.

They also won’t stop arguing and dad-in-law has become very deaf, but refuses to wear his hearing aid, which makes for some strange and random fights between them.  Mum-in-law's reduced mobility means she gets very depressed – and that is one of the things I find hardest to deal with after a long, intense day of work, trying to talk her up and out of her self-pity and feeling of helplessness.

Work is interesting, challenging, purposeful, fun, but so very exhausting.  I tend to work through lunch and not move for hours, engrossed in what I am doing - which is so bad for my health, but it means I have lost weight and my knees don’t hurt any more alhamdulillah.  The nature of the work – requiring deep thought and research, means that I don’t always have a lot of energy left mentally by the time I get home and I don’t get much time to de-pressurise between work and home to deal with home life.

My money has run out, like totally run out, I am counting the seven days until pay day and hoping no other unexpected expense appears. I hate the idea of asking anyone for help. I know I need to manage money better, but its not much use reminding yourself of this after all the money is gone.

Finally, I think I have taken on too much: work, home, elderly in-laws, social life, community activity.  I can’t really blame anyone but myself for that and I know I have to review my habit of wanting to do everything all of the time.  But even so, I am veering between managing things and feeling as if I am about to drown under it all.

There have been days when I open my eyes and think there is no way I can get through the day – just getting dressed and the kids ready for school has felt like wading through treacle. So, very, hard. The days when I am trying to work out what my mum-in-law can eat, or dad-in-law has asked the same question about a hospital letter seven times, or they think it’s too early to eat with the rest of us, so I am making chapatti’s at 9:30 and clearing the kitchen at 10pm.  The days when I have shouted at the kids and escalated a situation, when I should have just dealt calmly with it or listened and not flown off the handle over something that was not so big. 

I started to get frightened of how I felt on those days – of it turning into something more that I could not shake off or deal with.  On those days no amount of positive thinking, smiling, reminding myself to be grateful helped.  I just kept forcing one foot in front of another and making dhikr (remembrance of Allah) SWT until I found myself in a better place.

So now I am counting the days until my husband comes back.  It feels like the longest four weeks of my life and the next two weeks feel forever away.  The thought of those two weeks is daunting and makes me feel miserable.  I need someone to fix my fridge, the bathroom leak, the various other things that are damaged and broken.  I need someone to discipline the kids sometimes in my place.  I need someone to listen to my in-laws complaints and take them out sometimes to air them get some fresh air.

This time has challenged my faith in ways that I could not have imagined.  I have questioned myself, the work my husband does, the fact that I work, whether we have raised out children in the right way, whether hubby should stop going while the children are growing.  Whether we just got it all wrong.  There have been days when I have told myself that this is the last time he goes.  There have been days when my heart is so full to the brim with tears, but I feel too dulled to even let them out. Then there is the point every day when I think of the fight I will have when my husband gets back – the complaints and ultimatums I have planned and how I will not talk to him for days.

There are days when I fear that all the separation and hard work has been for nothing. I wonder if Allah accepts it or not, whether he is testing me or angry with me.  I yearn for a sign that we are on the right path and that I haven't got it all wrong.

But then there are days like today, when I wonder what all the fuss is about and I feel okay.  I am coming to realise that all of the challenges have forced me to grow in ways that I could not have imagined. I have spent my life trying to please others, fearing conflict and trying to win everyone’s approval.  I used to pray to Allah (SWT) to let me fear no-one but Him.  For the first time in my life, I feel as if I don’t need anyone’s approval.  I literally don’t care what anyone thinks - not my parents, not my in-laws, not my husband, not my neighbours, friends or community.  I cannot tell you how liberating this is. I can discipline my kids without caring if they don’t like me.  I can say no to people.  I can disagree with my in-laws without worrying about them disapproving.  I can make demands on my husband which I was always shy to do, but that is my right.  I am ready for a good fight, so the next aunty to comment on my not driving, or my weight, or my kids, or especially my husband “leaving me to go on holiday” is going to get verbally b*tch slapped back into their place.

I think my husband might find this new version of me a little disconcerting when he gets back, but it has been a long time coming.  I just pray and hope that we are doing the rght thing insh'Allah and that Allah (SWT) accepts it.

image source

Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 17

The quote for Day 17 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“Allah will help him who moves in the way of Allah.” ~ Abu Bakr as-Siddique (radi allahu anhu)

I couldn’t locate any commentary or analysis of this statement and I struggled to understand what exactly was being referred to.  On the one hand whether this refers to the one that acts exactly according to Allah’s will – moves as Allah (SWT) wishes. On the other whether this is in relation to going out in the path of Allah (SWT), i.e. as a da’ee, someone who teaches the faith.

In the first instance, this goes back to the root meaning of Islam – to submit to Allah (SWT) and live our lives as he commands – from our daily lives to our smallest actions.  Salah is an example of this – in our prayer we put our hands, feet and body in the exact position commanded to us, our body, heart, mind and soul all have a role in the prayer and each submits and acts as commanded.

“No believing man nor any believing woman should exercise any choice in their affair once Allah and His messenger have decided upon some matter. Anyone who disobeys Allah and His messenger has wandered off into manifest error” ~ Quran 33:36.

O you who have believed, obey Allah and His Messenger and do not turn from him while you hear [his order]. ~ Quran 8:20

In the second understanding, all of the fazail, or virtues of the da’ee come to mind:

“God, His angels and all those in the Heavens and on Earth, even ants in their ant-hills and fish in the water, call down blessings on those who instruct others in beneficial knowledge.” (Tirmidhi)

The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihi wasallam) said,“He who calls others to follow the Right Guidance will have a reward equal to the reward of those who follow him, without their reward being diminished in any respect on that account.” (Muslim)

The da’ee, or the one who walks in the path of Allah (SWT) in this case is the one with the help of Allah.

Whichever the right understanding, it is a powerful reminder that if we focus on obeying Allah (SWT), he will set right our affairs insh’Allah.

image source

Eid Lunch at Work

During the middle of Ramadan I asked for volunteers at work for an Eid lunch for the week after Eid.  Alhamdulillah two lovely ladies came forward and worked to organise a lunch open to all staff in our office.

We worked together to promote the event, encourage people to bring a dish, find a henna artist (one of our very talented colleagues) and encourage people around us to join in.

Despite our worst fears, lots of people came.  We got lots of positive feedback and the food was polished off.

I brought in the lamb chops, chicken tikka, the kebabs and a big tub of salad:

The henna artist also made this cake.  She is awesome and always helps out with any event we suggest (like the Ramadan Q&A we ran earlier for staff).  It was originally round, but her nephew took a swipe and grabbed a chunk, so she had to repair it and turn it into a crescent moon.  We teased her about her special "Eid cake".

In putting the word out for help for the Eid lunch, I found that Muslim ladies at our other offices were also arranging Eid lunches that week, including two sisters who cooked a full three course meal for their team by themselves.  I asked them to send pictures of their events to share on the office online message boards so that people could see the what had been happening.

Harlequin tells me the Muslim’s at her office also got together and paid for 100 samosa’s which disappeared like lightening.  I suspect there were a lot more lunches and events like this, which is heartening.  I pray for a future when Muslims are not demonised, but known for our best qualities: trying to help and serve others insh’Allah

Finding a Place of Strength and Gratitude

My better half has now left to visit America for six weeks.  He will be staying in Chicago and doing dawah work until the end of Ramadan and come home to us in time for Eid. This time last year he was in Pakistan and I came close to having a breakdown trying to manage unruly teens, an ill-mother in law, getting by with no money and travelling to work in Ramadan in the heat.

At the end of that I felt both worn down and very strong, knowing I had handled everything that had come my way but feeling slightly resentful that I should have to and resentful that I seemed to have aged ten years over the course of that summer (my ego is having trouble accepting this).

This year I felt in a better place.  The kids are still hard work, especially the teens but we have routines and I push them to help and pull their weight. I teach the boys Arabic at home because I got fed up of their teacher complaining they were not concentrating and wanted to take charge before they were too old to influence in this matter.

Work is intense and often mentally exhausting, I love my work and feel stretched and challenged most days, but I am having to learn to ration my energy so that it is not all spent in the office.  I am not good at this, so I rarely have the energy to do anything other than housework and dinner and bedtime routines after I get home.

With my husband away, my morning routine has had to be extended.  I make dad-in-law’s lunch and leave it in the hot pot and get the kid ready and leave them with breakfast before I leave for work. Then dad in law will do the school run for both nursery and school.  This worked fine the first day, but on the second day, he picked Baby up from nursery and forgot to pick the rest of the children at the end of the school day.  The school called him to say the children need to be collected from the office, but his phone battery had run down and he didn’t get the message.  It was only an hour later when I got home and asked where the kids are that I realised what happened and rushed to collect them.  They were not best pleased.  I’m still not sure why he never got round to pick them up…I am praying we don’t get a repeat, I would normally call home, but he can’t hear what you say on the phone very well, so I will have to think of another solution (maybe ask the neighbour to knock and remind him).

I get through the time with my better half away by filling it up with positive things as much as I can.  I am hoping to take the kids out a few times before Ramadan starts, spend more time blogging and crafting insh’Allah and trying to do more fun things with the kids.  I also have a stack of books to read, including two for the office book club which should keep me distracted in the evenings.

A lot of people questions why hubby goes away for forty days every year.  My family are super critical of him for going and of me for putting up with it. I find it harder with him not here, but I know it is much harder for him to be away from me.  We both do what we do because of our faith and our belief in the necessity of dawah:

“Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good, enjoining Al-Ma’roof (Islamic monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (Polytheism and disbelief and all that Islam has forbidden). And it is they who are successful.” (Qur’an 3:104)

The above verse has always resonated with my powerfully and I pray that I and my family are raised in the ranks of those that it describes as succulent.

“Convey from me, even one verse.” (Bukhari)

“God, His angels and all those in the Heavens and on Earth, even ants in their ant-hills and fish in the water, call down blessings on those who instruct others in beneficial knowledge.” (Tirmidhi)

We believe that everything comes with a price and that for there to be positive change there must be sacrifice. That when we make the smallest of sacrifices or undergo the smallest of hardship for the sake of Allah (SWT), he blesses us with the greatest of rewards

“Whoever calls others to guidance will have a reward like the rewards of those who follow him, without that detracting from their reward in any way. And whoever calls others to misguidance will have a burden of sin like the burden of those who follow him, without that detracting from their burden in any way.” (Muslim)

So I am trying to reframe my thinking and see the good: the promise of reward from Allah (SWT), the opportunity to support my husband and also to take care of his dad. The chance to grow into a stronger mother, believer and person.  And while hubby is away to blog in the evenings and read all night like a teenager (and maybe forget to do the housekeeping some days).  

Sabr (patience) and shukr (gratitude) calligraphy (source)

Spotlight: Overcome TV

I often come across projects, campaigns and businesses that really capture my imagination with the amazing work they are doing to support and empower communities alhamdulillah. Every now and again something comes along that make you want to contribute in some way and share so that others can too. Sometimes people will get in touch with me and although they don't have the resource to buy an advert or sponsored post on this blog, what they are doing resonates so much with me that I want to help if I can insh'Allah.

The "Spotlight" blog posts will highlight these projects, campaigns or businesses. Please do share and visit the sites and if they inspire you, see what you can do to help insh'Allah.

Overcome.TV shares the stories of people who have converted (or reverted as some would say) to Islam.  Their aim is to help people who are thinking about becoming Muslim but are worried about the consequences of embracing Islam:

"overcome.tv helps borderline converts push forward in their journey to God. Until now, these people have gone by unnoticed and ignored, though they actually deserve much of our attention."

The website mentions the kinds of things that might create anxiety for people:

"The most common obstacle is thinking that Islam will be impossible to practise. From that comes the fear of failure, the fear of hypocrisy, the fear that they'll misrepresent Islam to others and much more.

Another common obstacle is the concern that Islam will turn them into something they won't like, that they'll need to change their names or adopt a foreign culture.

Sometimes they even feel like they're betraying their loved ones. Or, more generally, they fear how their friends and family will react.  The list of obstacles is extensive and can be surprising."

Overcome.tv reaches out to people who have made the choice to become Muslim and records short videos of them describing their journey: why they came to Islam, what concerns they had and advice for their brothers and sisters who are on that journey.  They currently have 56 awesome video's mash'Allah with more being added regularly:

You can watch the videos here.  You can sign up for the weekly newsletter.  You can subscribe to the YouTube channel here and follow on Facebook here.

I would encourage readers to take a look, watch the videos and support in any way that they can.  The creators of Overcome.TV have asked for support in a number of ways:  by sharing their video's, by sharing your own story, through writing on their blog, through helping organise videos, by making donations and through your dua's insh'Allah. 

"Invite to the Way of your Rabb with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious, for your Rabb knows best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance." ~ Quran (An-Nahl: 125)

"You are the best of peoples, taken out for mankind. You enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and believe in Allah. ~ Quran (Al-Imran:110)

Personally I believe that every Muslim is a da'ee and has a responsibility to share this beautiful faith.

“God, His angels and all those in the Heavens and on Earth, even ants in their ant-hills and fish in the water, call down blessings on those who instruct others in beneficial knowledge.” (Tirmidhi)

"Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good (Islâm), enjoining Al-Ma‘rûf (i.e. Islâmic Monotheism and all that Islâm orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (polytheism and disbelief and all that Islâm has forbidden). And it is they who are the successful." ~ Quran (Imran:104).

Dawah for the Ordinary Muslim

A sister recently left a comment asking me about dawah, the work of sharing Islam with others. She asked if every Muslim was responsible for doing dawah, even if they were lay people and didn’t have much knowledge, especially in todays climate where it can feel as if everyone hates us.

I would always recommend that Sisters develop pathways to the scholars where they can, so that they can ask questions like these to people who have expertise and can answer confidently. This could be through the masjid, scholars that you meet through Islamic courses, or through the menfolk in your family asking the imam if you are not comfortable.

Saying that I am more than happy to answer the question as a lay person, but with the proviso that this is only my opinion and strong belief on the matter. There are a couple of things that inform the way I feel, the first is the following verse of the Quran:

The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise. ~ Quran 9:71

All religions have the injunction to do good deeds and avoid bad ones in some shape or form, but for Muslims it isn’t enough that we do good deeds, we are instructed to call others to them as well. It isn’t enough that we avoid bad deeds we have to discourage others from them as well.

I remember a few years ago reading a news article about a Muslim charity who had been accused of using aid relief as an excuse to encourage people to convert to Islam, I don’t know the truth of the matter, but I remember thinking out loud that maybe aid should be given to those in need without religion having anyhting to do with it. My mum responded by asking “why is something so good for you, but not for others?”. Her words struck deep – the beautiful faith that is so good for us, would surely be a blessing and benefit for others too.

As a teenager I came across the following verse in a translation of the meaning of the Quran:

And there may spring from you a nation who invite to goodness, and enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency. Such are they who are successful. ~ Quran 3:104

I wondered at those words. Who were these lucky people that Allah SWT had promised success to? I wished I could be one of them, at the same time assuming it could not be an ordinary person. Many years later, after I was married, my husband re-engaged in the dawah work he had previously undertaken in Pakistan, through his local masjid. I was not sure about this, but when he encouraged me to participate I was willing to at least listen and see what it was all about. The experience changed my life profoundly in so many ways (that story is a post for another day insh’Allah), but it also taught me that those big promises in the Quran for the best of us, are not out of reach or only for others. Each ordinary person can do the work in their own small, imperfect way that will please Allah (SWT).

Not everyone has the courage to make dawah in a strong and passionate way. I know I get shy sometimes or am wary of how people might react. But for those who cannot stand on street dawah stalls to share the message of Islam, or knock on doors to call Brothers to the masjid, we have to do what we can within the means and courage we have:

On the authority of Abu Saeed al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) say, “Whoever of you sees an evil must then change it with his hand. If he is not able to do so, then [he must change it ] with his tongue. And if he is not able to do so, then [he must change it] with his heart. And that is the weakest of faith.” (Muslim)

Our beloved mother, Lady Aisha (May Allah be please with her) used to describe the beloved Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) like a walking Quran.  For the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam), his every action and word brought to life the message and guidance of the Quran. His sunnah: they way he conducted himself in business, in marriage, in the community, with his children, were all so beautiful that they were like an invitation to the faith. In the same way, today you will find that when you act upon his beautiful sunnah, everything you do becomes beautiful and a call to iman (belief). 

I think that a person who tries hard to be a good person and to live in the best way they can according to their faith, undertakes dawah through everything they do. Their conduct, their good character, their kindness to others is dawah. Their good work in the community and their good treatment of neighbours is dawah. Their honesty in their work, business and day-to-day dealings is dawah. The way they dress is dawah and the way they conduct the ordinary business of their life: eating, shopping, playing with their children, caring for their parents, all becomes dawah.

The other thing that is important is to make yourself knowledgeable about the basics of your faith, even something like a children’s book on the basics of Islam is a good place to start (for those ready to learn more books like Taleem-ul-Haq and Heavenly Ornaments by Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi are brilliant). Because you will find that your good conduct and kindness will make you stand out in this insincere and harried world. Your dress will make you stand out as modest in a immodest world and for some of you, your dress will mark you out as Muslim. People will be attracted to your goodness or curious that the good they see in you does not reconcile with what they hear in the media and the news about Muslims. They will ask questions about Islam and Muslims. This is our dawah. Even before we think of going to others, when we work hard on making ourselves better, people will come to us. They will want some of the peace and serenity that they see in us, in our prayers and our family lives.

This isn’t a small thing. It’s an enormous blessing. Why is the reward so high?:

Abu Mas`ud `Uqbah bin `Amr Al-Ansari Al-Badri (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "Whoever guides someone to virtue will be rewarded equivalent to him who practices that good action".  (Muslim).

Because there are so many people who are in so much pain. You find people who have every sign of success, who turn to drugs or commit suicide leaving people wondering why they would ever want to do that when they had everything: family, money, respect. You hear about teenagers picking up weapons and walking into schools to commit murder with no discernible reason except they didn’t see the point of life. In a more subtle way you will come across one person after another that is unhappy with their life, with the refrain of “What is the point?” or people who have so much but only complain about how miserable their life is. 

Islam provides purpose for our lives and a clear path to get to where we want to be. It teaches us to live in the world in the most beautiful way and benefit others as much as we can. It teaches us to serve our families, our communities and those most vulnerable amongst us and be grateful for what we have. How many people would find that this message and this faith would alleviate their pain? How will they ever know? If we cannot approach people, at the very least can we be open and ready for their questions?

The one other thing that stays with me is something that my husband said to me. Everything influences us: the media, our environment, society, marketing, our peers, our children even. We are all being influenced all the time. The exception is the da’ee (the one who teaches and shares Islam), the da’ee influences others and as long as he or she does so, their iman will grow and they will not be influenced by outside factors. Once they stop they are at the mercy of all of those things again.

So even if you don’t feel you have the courage, or the knowledge, or are not a scholar. Even if you are scared because of the times we live in, work on your character and make your conduct beautiful. Learn about the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam)’s life and try to learn his beautiful traditions and habits one at a time and make them part of your life. Then when people come to you looking for answers, answer patiently and kindly, if you don’t know, say I don’t know but point them to a scholar that does know. If that is too hard, smile, have a cheerful countenance. If even that is impossible, make dua, for yourself that Allah (SWT) accepts you as a da’ee of his religion and make dua for the wellbeing and happiness of every human being, Muslim or not, because at the essence of dawah is a anxiety and concern for all of humanity.

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A Good Journey

One of my husband’s greatest passions has always been dawah work: sharing the message of Islam with non-Muslims and Muslims who may be searching for a sense of purpose or wish to make faith a bigger part of their lives. He has a deep belief that this is his purpose in this world and it is this work that must set Muslims apart as people who not only care about their own deeds, but act in service and concern for everyone else:

“Let there be a community among you who call to the good, and enjoin the right, and forbid the wrong. They are the ones who have success.” ~ Quran (3: 104)

“You are the best nation ever to be produced before mankind. You enjoin the right, forbid the wrong and have iman in Allah.” ~Quran (3: 110)

So every year during Ramadan he takes time out to leave behind, work, home and his own comfort to travel and teach, lecture and engage in community work. Last year he spent Ramadan in Germany and the year before two months in South Africa. This week he left home to spend seven weeks in America: in Los Angeles for a short time and mainly in San Francisco.

I cannot explain how proud of him I am. He has faced so much criticism over the years for the work he undertakes, for leaving us behind and for shutting his business. But I can see the courage it takes to do this and the level of trust in Allah (SWT) as the Provider and Protector. It takes a deep belief that Allah (SWT) will take care of your affairs while you are doing the work He has ordained.

I also love the fact that he is well-travelled and an experienced man of the world. My respect for him has increased because of this. He once said the he would like for his sons to travel through Europe, Africa, Asia and South Africa for at least one year before they marry. He would like them to see what the rest of the world really looks like, what the reality of people’s lives is and how blessed we are.

While he is away, I fill up my hours with childcare, housework, work and my hobbies. As a family we use this time to be gentle with ourselves and tend to spend more time at home, declining invitations and engaging in small pleasures like reading and good food (when the older three kids were smaller we used to have a midnight picnic, a tradition I look forward to reviving for my two little dolls). I also use this time to reflect on what I have been doing through the year and think deeply about how I want to spend my time moving forward. This is usually a really fertile time for me regarding self-development and planning.

This doesn't belie the fact that I miss him, lots. My diary is marked from now to the day he returns, and my mind turns often to daydreaming about the excitement in our home when he returns a day or two before Eid. A day that will be spent in anxiety listening for the key turning in the door.

But I once read that you should give up those things for Allah (SWT) that are most precious to you and they will be safeguarded for you in the next world. I can think of little more precious in this world to me than the kind, generous, brave man I married.

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Circle of Moms Top 25 European Moms 2013 - Result

I just wanted to say a big Jazakh'Allah-khairun to everyone who voted for me over at Circle at Mom's Top 25 European Blogs contest.  Alhamdullilah I came in 23rd (out of 77 blogs).  Which means that they will share what I write and post with their forums insh'Allah.
(A special thank you to my brother-in-law A who logged in just before the 12am deadline to vote for me).

Ramadan Journal 2013: Day 20 - Grateful For...

I had an interesting weekend just passed.  I had a group of sisters staying at my home.  Their husband’s were mainly scholars and imams and were staying at the local masjid and doing dawah work and teaching.  This involves visiting local shops and brothers living locally and telling them about the masjid.  Particularly where a brother who regularly attends the masjid stops coming, they will visit him to see he is okay.  They set up halaqas (study circles) at the masjid and even in two local shops before opening time for all of the staff to sit in (as hubby says, the best way to ensure your meat is halal, is to give dawah to the butcher).  They were here for three days over the weekend and their wives stayed at our home. 

Alhamdulillah, it was a wonderful experience.  It was nice sharing space with pious sisters, getting an iman boost and learning beneficial things.

Many of the ladies were the mothers of imams or hafiz (people who memorised the Quran), so they were role models for me and I wanted to learn from them about how they were with their children.

The sisters held halaqa’s throughout the day, which were open for local sisters to attend.  These included basic tajweed (i.e. correcting the pronunciation of verses we most regularly read), memorising hadith and dua, going through the fard (prescribed) acts of ghusl (bathing), wudhu (ablution for prayer) and salah (prayer) which many people get the basics of these wrong.

At iftar time, they would run through the sunnan (prophetic traditions) of eating and at bedtime they would roll out their bedding on my living room floor and go through the sunnan of sleeping.

There were certain things they really emphasised on that stayed with me, these included:

• The importance of simplicity in our lives and in the homes
• Making the most of the opportunities to make dhikr (remembrance) of Allah (SWT) all the time i.e. when we are going about our daily taks, doing our house work, resting and travelling (they especially stressed the benefits of tahleel – la-ilaha-illalah, tasbeeh - subhanallah, tahmeed - alhamdulillah, takbeer - allahuakbar, astighfar (repentance) and durood)
• Having sincerity in everything we do and making sincere intentions.  So even if we are cooking, to make intention it is for the whole ummah (i.e. whoever might come your way), making intention to do tahajjud before we sleep, so even if we cant wake up, we get the reward of it.
• Ikhlaq - making sure we treat other people, including other Muslims really, really, well.  This included suppressing our rights to make sure we fulfil the rights of others, because after all we will be held accountable for the extent we upheld others rights not how many of our own rights we demanded.  This also included holding our tongue, refraining from backbiting, speaking well of others and saying salam (the greeting of peace) to others.  One lady said something so nice - create a habit of saying salam amongst each other so that you enter paradise with salam/peace.

 It was such a lovely three days. It’s strange, have a group of ladies in a room and they start to talk too much and backbite.  Make them live together for a few days and the squabbling and fighting begins.  But when you do it out of love for Allah (SWT) you get a group of women who speak only kind words, or to give good advice or to speak about their faith.  They lived in one space for three days without any squabbling and there wasn’t even a problem with sharing the bathroom!

Before they left they made sure the house was tidy, the kitchen and bathroom was clean and seeking forgiveness from the household in case they had said or done anything to offend somebody

I am so grateful that Allah (SWT) sent these sisters my way, especially so that they came to us in Ramadan.

And from among you there should be a party who invite to good and enjoin what is right and forbid the wrong, and these it is that shall be successful. ~ Quran (3:104)

A Small Exodus and Establishing New Routines

Subhan’Allah, I have had a very busy week and I am just starting to fall into a routine with the baby, who turned one month yesterday (already?!) and the older children.  This means that this has been the first chance for me to sit down and write (albeit with a tray of dishes to take into the kitchen next to me, piles of laundry everywhere I look and the boys wrestling downstairs).

We have spent this week visiting friends and family returning from the hajj pilgrimage and collecting lots of yummy dates and zam zam water from everyone.  Some of the haji’s have then come to visit us to see the baby, there are also visitors still coming to see the baby for the first time.

My mother-in-law returned to Pakistan yesterday after staying with us for the last few months, leading to another stream of visitors.  It was a great help having her here, especially when I was so incapacitated at the end of my pregnancy and she took over cooking.  At the same time, being pregnant and so uncomfortable made me irritable and we managed to wind each other a few times (thankfully we parted on good terms with her intending to come back next summer).

Hubby also left today to spend two months in South Africa (lucky soul!) to visit his sheikh and to engage in dawah work insh’Allah, starting out in Cape Town.  We have been discussing this for a long time and we felt that my maternity leave would be the perfect opportunity for him to go.  I feel that I can manage the four children by myself and I am not fearful of being alone, despite missing him like crazy already.  At the same time, my family are less than five minutes walk away, so I will be spending afternoons with my mum and evenings with my sisters if I need company.  In the past we have had lots of criticism for the short periods of time he has been away, this time round people have pretty much given up having realised that I can cope alone, give hubby my full support and agree with his work and that neither of us listen to people’s opinions much anyway.

At the same, I am happy that this means I will be able to focus on my kids 100% as there are a few things which I need to work on with them – namely Little Lady’s spikiness and messiness, Gorgeous throwing tantrums and various bad habits they have developed (bedtime stretching out way too long, clothes and school equipment getting strewn everywhere).  There is also the constant and endless fighting, whinging and telling tales, but I suspect that this is just normal and that there isn’t really much of a cure for this except time.  I also want to lay down some routines in terms of homework and lessons at home, Islamic studies, tuition and some sports clubs insh’Allah (will mean less time left for fighting with each other at least).

I am hoping to use the next two months as productively as I can insh’Allah, allowing for a small baby and rowdy kids who have been getting away with all sorts for the last few months due to a mum who just could not waddle fast enough to keep up.  Alhamdulillah I feel very much as if Allah (SWT) has given me a chance to concentrate on my children and use this opportunity to work towards raising my children in the best way that I can.  I have been praying that I can raise them with good manners and good charachter, incorporating the sunnan (tradition) of our beloved Prophet (PBUH) into their lives and a love for their faith insh’Allah.