Ramadan 2020/1441: Last Few Days

The last few days have been a little challenging a we come to the end of the blessed month. 

Trying to get the shopping done, while fasting and in the heat, with queues everywhere.

Trying to kid the kids to pray, do some schooling, stop sleeping too much, sleep at sensible times, eat properly, eat a bit more…

Trying to keep up with worship, taraweeh (night prayer) and trying to finish my reading of the Quran.

It all got a bit too much two days ago when it was very hot, when I was trying to get all my grocery shopping and meat shopping for Eid done. I was half way home with the shopping, when hubby called to say a friend of his, who is stuck abroad, called to say his wife has taken ill and could I check in on her. I dropped off my shopping and headed back out to hers to find her with another woman, who had also come over in a panic. My friend turned out quite poorly, having been in hospital the night before, so I sat with her for a while and then made her promise to rest and eat and headed back home

On getting home I had a word with my older son about spending too much time on computer games and his use of language, with some swear words creeping in.  He threw an almighty teen tantrum and didn’t talk to me for two days. He’s just calmed down today and stopped sulking and walking around like a glowering thunderstorm. I except there is some more of this to come before he realises I’m not letting up.

My oldest girl decided she would help me in the kitchen, but only enough to make dinner for all the girls, but not the boys because they weren’t helping. I dd try to explain that this was not helping because I still would have to make food for the boys. I was panicking trying to get food ready on time for my family and for some others that we send food to most days.  I had also wanted to send dinner for the sister who had taken ill.

I threw everyone out, sat cross legged on the cool kitchen floor and took some deep breaths (okay some tears may have leaked out too). I then focussed on getting all the food done and making sure I don’t miss my evening prayers.  Thankfully, it all got done on time and the food sent to where it was meant to go.

But it left me feeling a little despondent. It seemed to me that I couldn’t do the worship, housework, childcare and cooking, let alone self-care or additional worship that I wanted to do in the hours that I had. I was just getting resentful, sleep deprived and sad. It’s one thing to nurture and care for your family with love and another to do it starting to feel resentful, used or put-upon.

So I explained to hubby, no more cooking for others and only simple iftars for the remaining few days of Ramadan, I wanted to rest and pray.  He agreed and had the sense not to remind me he preferred simple food and it’s usually my idea to cook new things every day.  

I’m also practicing some mean love with the kids and getting them to so more. I would say tough love, but I am feeling mean right now. I usually try to practice kindness and compassion with them, because I am their role model. But I also have to practice it with myself.  

I’ve simplified my Eid menu now to one main dish and have decided to put a s top on shopping unless the kids can go get stuff.  I’ve taken the pressure off my ibadah and might do less with less of a checklist but much more sincerity and peace insh’Allah.

Aisha (radhiallahu‘anha) reported The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "Verily, your own self has rights over you, so fast and break your fast, pray and sleep." (Sunan Abu Dawud 1369)

“Self-care is how you take your power back.” – Lalah Delia

“Taking care of myself doesn’t mean ‘me first.’ It means ‘me, too.” – L.R. Knost

“There is enough time for self-care. There is not enough time to make up for the life you’ll miss by not filling yourself up.” – Jennifer Williamson

“An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly.” – Unknown

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others. ” – Christopher Germer

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Parenting Teens: Hangry Young Man

After much trauma trying to civilise my oldest child, failing and then eventually reaching a truce, I determined to do things differently with my second as he made his way through his teens: firm but fair, kind and compassionate but encouraging independence and responsibility. There are days and weeks when it works and then days where one wrong word or s small argument seems to undo all of the good days.

In recent times (read pre-lock-down) we seemed to be doing okay and getting along well most of the time.  Since lock down though there seems to be more ups and downs, and most of these seem to be related to food. I made him his favourite biryani, but I couldn’t get the usual brand of biryani mix anywhere so I used another, days of moaning ensued about how I ruined his favourite biryani. I made him the chicken strips he requested, but his dad bought thigh rather than breast meat and he complained it tasted different.

After a good few days of this and me explaining there were lots of ingredients we couldn’t always get and that we were lucky to be still eating well, I lost my temper and confiscated his phone and told him at 15 he was old enough to cook for himself, I would be cooking only what I fancied from now on and not what the rest of the houses wanted.

He went to bed hungry and didn’t talk to me for two days. He has just started to thaw a little after realising I was going to continue being kind but firm, continue to talk to him, remind him about prayers and schoolwork and generally carry on as usual. I know what he really, really wants is his favourite take-away. I have resolved not to order it until he fixes his attitude. He could be on for a long wait. Or knowing how much I like food too, maybe not.

My youngest was hanging out with him and eventually came to tell me she was bored as her brother was watching cooking videos 😊

For the latest updates and  stories (including whether I manage to feed the kids or annoy them to death) please do follow me on my Instagram account and Insta-stories. 

Off On Their Own Travels

If you follow me on Instagram stories, you will know that my oldest three kids have travelled to Pakistan without us to spend their summer holidays.  We thought it was too long since our last visit to Pakistan (or abroad for that matter, ten years ago) and that they were missing out on their language, culture and getting to know their dad’s family.

We booked the tickets, which hubby booked for a few days later and told them to pack what they needed and make a list of the rest.  Then I took them shopping (in between weddings and work) and for a last lunch before they leave.

I thought I would be worried and anxious with them away, but I trust my daily protective prayers for my family and I trust my husbands family to look after them probably even better than I would. They were super excited at the prospect of travelling by plane and having lots to do (and eat – teenagers!) in Pakistan.

Once we saw them off, there were some things that I noticed: despite the Babies and my in-laws still being at home, the house was very peaceful.  The babies are enjoying ruling the roost and not getting kicked off the computer by their siblings.  Most of all I have had a few weeks without arguing, shouting, disciplining, breaking up fights, sending friends home, going to friends’ home and dragging boys home or calling Little Lady to ask her where she is.

The extra time and the peace have really given me time to clear my head.  You don’t realise that you are doing some things in a way that you wouldn’t if you had time to reflect or think things through.  One of the things I realised was how late I was still sending the kids friends home or the kids upstairs, or even rounding them up from their friends or neighbours’ houses.  It meant it got quite late by the time everyone was settled and I was finished and I never got any quiet time or time to myself.  It’s made me determined to have an 6pm curfew for both friends coming here and my kids going anywhere. Also a peace rule, of people need to get to their rooms and quieten down by 9pm – one can hope.

The time away has given me time to go beyond continuously picking up after them, to deep cleaning their rooms and clearing out a lot of their stuff to donate to charity or give away.

I’ve been in touch with them most days thanks to WhatsApp, and they seem to be having a great time.  Their cousins welcomed them with flowers, and they have been out every day to museums, shopping and theme parks.  They get to see Eid in Lahore including participating in the Qurbani  (sacrifice) and they are gearing up for Independence Day celebrations.  Gorgeous has polished up his Urdu much to his dad’s joy.

I thought I would miss them, which I have, but not as much as I thought I would – I think my brain just needed the relief from the noise, complaining and fighting. Every now and again, I get a pang of sadness at missing Gorgeous’ exuberance or Little Man’s dad jokes and kindness.  Funnily enough, the one I missed the most is the one that gives the most stress and anxiety – Little Lady, for all her cynicism, sarcasm and resolute intent to spend all my money, is the one that I find myself looking for and wanting to hear her voice.

They are away until school starts in about three weeks’ time, so I am going to make the most of it and get some proper rest, catch up on lots of things, enjoy the babies and hopefully take everyone away for a short break here insh’Allah

A Few Quiet Days Off

I have taken a few days off this week and next week during the children’s Easter break from school. I had lots of annual leave and extra hours from work that I had to use up before the end of the financial year or lose them.  I was looking forward to a break from the overwhelm of work, spending time with the children and catching up with housework.

We had hoped the weather would improve and we could go away for a few days. Unfortunately, our family car was stolen and it’s still grey and raining. So, we are at home. I kind of don’t mind. I can’t remember the last time I had the luxury of doing things slowly, or even having some time free with nothing to do – just reading, blogging if I feel like it, or roaming around the house aimlessly.

I am having to fight the urge to do “things” and the anxiety that I am not being productive.  Now that I have had a few days to mull over it and sit with it, it’s making me realise how relentless I can be with myself an everyone around me.  We must be doing something all the time, anything, being productive, aiming for something.  It drives me up the wall to see people doing nothing when they could be cleaning, organising, working, studying, revising, something. Even holidays and rest time for me involve doing something.

It makes me wonder what drives me in this way, some insecurity? Some fear of not having enough, doing enough or being enough?  I will sit with this a bit longer, doing nothing and feeling uncomfortable and see where it takes me.

In other news, my house feels like a battlefield at the moment.  Both hubby and I have had enough of the teenagers angry and rude behaviour in the last few months and decided enough is enough. Little Lady is rude and likes to hide in her room. Little Man is angry and explodes at every turn picking on his younger siblings and shouting and swearing.

We have tried being patient, praising good behaviour, not forcing religion down their throats and listening to what they say. We have tried being gentle, kind and treating them like young adults.  But there is a limit to our endurance and the level of rudeness and disrespect we can tolerate.  So I have taken away their phones, no takeaway or junk food, or privileges and no fun during school holidays.  Little Lady has responded by disappearing into her room once more and being surly and painfully sarcastic.  Little Man is furious. He is adamant he will get worse and we haven’t seen anything yet. He is refusing to talk to me except to say vehemently that he doesn’t want to talk to me.

I have tried to talk them down (sometimes successfully), I have tried reasoning, I have tried encouraging them to talk to me about makes them angry, I have taken their side when they needed me to.  But I am so, very tired of it all.  I can’t tolerate both their Dad and I being spoken to with rudeness and contempt.  I wouldn’t tolerate it from work, my wider family or the world in general, so how can I accept it from the children I do everything for? Months, even years, of day in day out fighting with them has left me feeling bruised and battered.  I ask myself isn’t this what parents are supposed to do?   Absorb the anger and keep going, keep being there, keep loving unconditionally?

I have questioned everything with them – my parenting, my values, my way of living out my faith. I have lost sleep and cried myself to sleep. In the end my husband reminded me – we have to keep strong; we have to stay united, we have to be firm in our beliefs and in doing what feels like the right thing with our children.  In the end they will all go their own way and we will be left together. 

At the end, I don’t know what to do any more. Except to be quiet, to be firm in what feels right and to keep going. To act with love, kindness and patience. To listen, to pray and ask Allah (SWT) for help, trusting he is the one that answers out prayers.

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Terrible Teens

There are days when the boys are just too much for me. I have no idea how my mother-in-law raised five boys without any help at all. Today has been one for those days and I have told my two boys to stay well away from me because I just cannot take any more.

My older son, previously mild-mannered and sweet natured, is quick to anger and is very liberal with his hands at the moment, pushing, shoving and tripping his younger brother.

My youngest is easy going and silly, but responds to every touch at the top of his lungs as if he is being murdered and also by swearing.  He then takes his frustration out at me:

“You let him hit me”

“You don’t stop him”

“You don’t care”

“You don’t deal with it, why should I listen to you”

All this before I have had the chance to talk to his older brother.

He also misses no chance to irritate his brother, answer him back or provoke an argument.

I have had about eighteen months of this and it has worn me down.  The boys spent the last three days in Hastings with their dad and it has been peaceful and calm.  Then last night they returned and the nonsense started again.  I have spent the whole day mediating and consoling.  Except I don’t want to do it anymore.  I am tired of chasing, holding back, telling eight times or shouting.  Right now my voice is hoarse and my I just don’t want to face anyone.

The last straw was when they kicked off in front of guests today. For the hour that they were here I don’t think we could have one sensible conversation.  I would expect that from little ones, except the babies were as good as anything.  But from an 11 and 13 year old, I expect better.  They spent the hour fighting, complaining, arguing and in Gorgeous’ case crying.  I had to drag them out and then shout at them in front of guests.  I was so embarrassed.

As soon as the guests left, I called their dad and complained and asked him to start taking them to work with him on days they are not at school.  A bit of hard work might help use up the spare energy and teach them some manners.  Hubby is not keen, but I am going to insist I think.

I sometimes look back at my approach of gentle parenting and allowing my children to have a voice and disagree with me respectfully and wonder if has backfired.  Perhaps those parents that put the fear of God in their children and take a more authoritarian approach have the right idea and maybe a more peaceful life.  I wonder where the boundaries around hitting, bad language, respecting your parents and behaving in front of guests have fallen away.  If I get a repeat of today I’m not sure what I will do, but for the time being they seem to have realised I have hit my limit and gotten very quiet.

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Baby Iftar and Granddad Intervention

We had a bright idea on the first day of Ramadan of giving the babies an early iftar of their own and sending them to bed.  The rest of us could then eat in peace and I wouldn’t have two people hanging off me and harassing me through dinner after a long day of fasting.

We set them out a portion of our food and got them excited about their little picnic iftar.

Alhamdulillah it worked a treat and they went to bed happy.  Except they came back down at iftar time and caught us having our own “picnic”.  There was a lot of angry protestation, but everyone was quite firm that they must go back to bed.  If we had stuck to this then we would have been sorted for the rest of the month.  But everyone didn’t include dad-in-law who kept telling us to let them stay and that iftar was joyless without children.  The babies were marched back to bed and told to stay there.  Dad-in-law then proceeded to stand in their room looking sad and saying “poor girls”.

The next day we just let them stay and they have been joining us for iftar ever since.

Eating her grandfather’s pani puri.

Chronicles of a Little Tornado - Volume 2

My youngest is a handful at the best off times, but recently Baby seems to have gotten more bolshy, more rebellious and even a bit meaner.  I wonder if it is the result of being the youngest and having to fight to hold her own.  Or perhaps she just inherited some of the spite that seems to run in my family.  Either way, she manages to keep all of us busy.  

Currently her busy schedule includes:

Refusing to sit the whole way through any single meal

Turning every room she walks through upside down

Demanding to help with the cooking and trying to climb on things to get to the kitchen counter (I am terrified of her getting near to the cooker)

Insisting on helping roll out chapatti's and rolling them hard enough to make them stick to the worktop

Pestering her nan for sweets as soon as she sees her

Accusing her brother of having smelly feet

Spilling every other cup of water she gets her hand on

Refusing completely to put away her toys 

Switching my laptop of while I am working on it

Opening the taps in the bathroom and getting her sleeves wet and knocking the loo roll and towels off of their place (every single time she goes in there!)

Jumping off everything.

The older kids have complained that they seem to be picking up after her numerous times per day, so in the end we confiscated most of her toys and put them in a black bag while she thinks about changing her ways.

The kids have named her Ramona the Pest after the book because of her hair style and all of her mischief and she seems to like the name.

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The girl is lucky she has those big, innocent eyes and I have a soft spot for fierce girls, or she would be spending a lot more time on the thinking chair (our kitchen chair).

The good news is, she finally made a friend after a whole term on playing alone at nursery.  She is a bit of an introvert and likes to be left alone to explore (and wreak havoc) for stretches of time. Happily this friend is actually real and Baby even knows her name.

Picture of the Day 12.05.17 - Little Tornado

The End of Authoritarian Parenting

Most people in my parent’s generation seemed to have a fairly traditional approach to parenting.  It was the same as their parents and the many generations that came before them.  It generally consisted of “do what I tell you, listen to what I say, my word is law”.  The consequences for breaking that law were not always spelled out so clearly and generally involved a spanking.

Many people look back to those days as better times, when children knew their boundaries and behaved and adults were respected, people left their doors unlocked, neighbours looked out for each other etc.  In reality though, those days are long gone.  We move at a pace when the elderly and young become a nuisance, we have the internet which along with endless information brings pornography, anonymous trolls, the disconnection between people and an inability to just switch off and fully unwind.  We have sex and sexuality in every direction and through every type of media, we have plastic surgery and crazy ideals of what we should look all like, we have mass immigration and emigration leading to people feeling threatened and a hatred of people who are different, stoked by the broadsheets – Islamophobia anyone? 

We have a recession and economic hardship, but live in a consumerist world which acts as if money is endless and we must not stop buying.  We have wars that we can watch from a distance whilst being too terrified to let our kids out of our sight – they can’t go to the local shop alone, play on the street or go to someone’s house to play unless you have learned to trust them because the bogey man is lurking on every corner as witnessed by the daily stories of sexual abuse in the news.

Depressed yet or shall I go on?  Sorry that is a bit much and there is much in the modern world to be extremely grateful for.  But my point is that is a very different world and one that it has become very hard to raise children in.  My mum used to tell us about a saying from the Punjab – “children and chicken’s raise themselves” i.e. you give birth and leave them to it.  The whole village used to keep an eye on them, you could give someone else’s child a smack for misbehaving, societal rules were clear and internalised naturally including an Islamic-ish environment which kind of just rubbed off on children as they grew up.  That’s not to say people did not work hard at parenting, but raising children was part of daily life rather than a full time industry and job in itself.

The world has changed.  Boundaries are not clear anymore and what parents say at home is not consistent with what the media tells children, which again may be different from what society or their peers tell them.  Children have to make choices about who they will listen to and which values they will adopt.  Imagine for a moment – practicing parents that encourage hijab, friends that wear the hijab but with their highlighted fringe showing, boys in the classroom that always look at the girls without hijab, beautiful girls on the TV with big hair and an internet full of the latest hairstyles.  What do they do?  What do you do as parents?

Think back also of when we were young.  I remember very clearly having to modify my behaviour and language to fit in – I behaved differently at home and differently at school.  That dichotomy of the two sides of me – docile, obedient and bookish at home, loud and foul-mouthed at school, took me many years to reconcile until I could be brave enough to be the person I was wherever I was.

To get to the point, I think that the way we parent our children has to change.  The old fashioned authoritarian way of parenting is just not going to cut it anymore.  More than ever the “them” and “us” mentality that is created by authoritarian parenting is not going to serve our families.  Our children need our help and guidance to get through this confusing world and they need us on their side.

They need to able to come to us with their questions and with their problems – how many parents know whether their children have been sexted (getting sexually-explicit texts) or whether they are getting inappropriate attention from someone.  If they have friends that have tried drugs, or if trying drugs are not even considered a big deal in their peer group.  Whether they have accidentally or even out of curiosity looked up porn on the internet.  If they know someone at school that carries a knife or even a gun (this happened in my high school class over twenty years ago, so who knows what really happens now). 

Little Lady told me of a time her primary class were left unsupervised in an ICT lesson and two of the boys decided to Google naughty words and look at the images which the rest of the class could also see.  One of the girls told the teacher and both boys lost the privilege of using the internet and were reported to their parents.  I did wonder why the school didn’t had some kind of block on this type of content, but I think it’s the kind of thing that can easily happen as kids will always be curious.

Parents often think these things can’t happen to their children, that they would know or that they have raised their children better than that.  The truth is that more children that we think are exposed to these things and at a younger age. 

They are pushed into a kind of adulthood far sooner than we were.  When I deal with my fourteen year old daughter, it feels like I am dealing with an adult much of the time.  This doesn’t mean though that they don’t need the protection, love and guidance of their parents – they are still children whether they see themselves in that way or not (as witnessed by my daughter’s inability to stop leaving a trail of mess across the house or to let go of some of her old toys).

I am not advocating to stop disciplining our children or stop expecting a certain standard of behaviour.  I just think that the way we implement this has to be different.  Because if we find our child has done something we don’t like, the old fashioned way of dealing it with it – a slap, or smack with a slipper or even the belt, might not have the same effect as it used to of correcting the behaviour.  It can put them firmly in a position where they are at odds with us.  They are no longer listening to anything that comes out of our mouth and the value system or behaviour we are trying to instil can become then ones they just want to run away from (anyone remember being beaten or lectured during Quran lessons and just hating learning Arabic as a child?).  Most importantly, when they are witnessing or involved in something inappropriate, we are the last person they feel that they can come to because they expect censure, judgement, disappointment or even punishment, but we are the ones they need help from the most.

How have I changed my parenting from the way my parents used to do things?  I explain my decisions and why I want them to do thing a certain way – they are expected to do what is asked but they know why.  They know they can negotiate or disagree with my opinion, as long as they are respectful and understand that I have the final say.  Our values are rooted not in the authority of the parents, but our faith – we do things not because I want, but because Allah (SWT) commands and we trust He knows best and commands us out of his love for us.  Most of all the children know I will listen and will not immediately judge and go mental.  I learned this from my sisters.  They would talk to me when they were growing up about things that happened to them or that they had done because they knew I would not get angry or think they were bad, but maybe take a gentler approach to steering them away from something).

That doesn’t mean I am a perfect mom, that the method works perfectly or that my children are perfectly well-behaved.  Ask my neighbours, I am sure they can hear me shouting when Gorgeous has just thrown wads of wet tissue at the bathroom ceiling, or Little Lady has left her clothes in three different rooms, or the boys have broken another door off the kitchen cabinets (that makes two now).  It does mean that we “negotiate” a lot; I have to be mindful that I am consistent in what I am saying and doing, because your kids catch you out very quickly.  It can take longer to get them to adopt a behaviour because the children might not agree with you about it (I think computer games will be one we disagree on for the next ten years or so).  But it leaves me hopeful that if they are worried about something or something happens to them that they know is wrong – they will come to me knowing I will listen and help them without over-reacting or flying off the handle.

What do you think?  Do we need to hold onto traditional discipline in modern times, are parents too soft today?  Or have you taken a different approach?

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Internet Free Parenting in the Holidays and Beyond

At the beginning of the children’s school holidays I came to the conclusion that the internet was having a negative affect on my children.  I could see it in the Kardashian culture seeping into my daughters thinking.  I could hear it in the language they were using.  It was becoming visible through their behaviour when I did not allow them on the internet and their behaviour when I asked them to get off of the computer. 

I think that your childhood, particularly your free time as a child, helps you to explore what you like and enjoy, informing the paths you want to take as adults.  If you spend lots of time on the computer, you are spending less time trying out sports, books, games and creative endeavours.  You are spending more time sitting down, being a passive recipient of whatever you are looking at.  I found that my boys drifted towards YouTube and watching silly challenges and pranks.  Little Lady kept trying to get onto Snapchat and Instagram using my phone or her friends phones and was being exposed to a very materialistic lifestyle.  I could see her picking up a very negative attitude and lots of ungratefulness seeping into the things she said and did.

Around this time I read an article from a mother who had given her son free access to the internet and found that over time he lost interest and spent more time doing other things, like playing outside.  I did discuss with Little Man, who seems to be most addicted to the internet, how he would react to something like that.  He agreed that he would be online all day and would not want to stop at all.

So the day their dad travelled to Pakistan, I instigated an internet ban.  It didn’t go down very well.  There were a few days of crying and moaning about boredom.  Once again I was reminded that it “wasn’t fair”, Gorgeous tried all sorts of flattery and cajoling to get me to take the password off.  Little Man on the other hand spent a good few days angry and complaining he had nothing to do, hated the holidays and would have been better off at school.  I let him vent, reminding him I didn’t care and that it was not my job to entertain him.

I actually think it is good to let them be bored. On the one hand I don’t think it is a parents job to entertain their child for every single minute of the day.  On the other, I think they need to rise to the challenge and find themselves things to do.  And did they just.  The levels of fighting, mischief and mess went up in the house.  It was exhausting and infuriating at times.  But the level of creativity also went up. 

Little Man has been baking cupcakes and sending them to the neighbours.  Little Lady has been pouring through my cook books for pasta recipes and smoothies and giving me shopping lists of ingredients.  Gorgeous has gotten as far as experimenting with lemonade as an excuse to taste his grandmothers cans of Seven-Up (with a LOT of fresh lemon and lime added).

They have been building all manners of dens.  They started by hanging a blanket from the front of the boys bunk bed and getting inside with their toys.

Then they moved to fixing a blanket between the top of the bunk bed and the top of their wardrobe, turning the whole room into a kind of tent.  They laid their blankets on the floor underneath and threw in all of their pillows and soft toys.  My younger four spent the day reading and eating in their tent-room.  Little Lady was just happy they left her alone for a while.  They then graduated to building hammocks.  They made a complete mess of their room, they woke their grandmother up in the middle of the night sneaking downstairs to get cellotape to tape a blanket to the bed and create a hammock.  I would never have thought it would stay up except I found Little Man fast asleep in it the next morning.

They have spent hours on the trampoline, when not jumping on it, they take a picnic outside and sit on it to eat.  Once the boys manage to convince me to get on and then proceeded to jump so hard that I got thrown around and couldn’t get off. 

They have been making things with craft materials – I left Gorgeous in tears at home one day because I refused to leave the internet on.  He was upset because he would be bored and have nothing to do.  I felt guilty, but came home to a big map on a piece cardboard with 3D trees, buildings and beaches.  He had forgotten about the internet.

I caught Little Man drawing cartoons, something he has never liked or had the patience for.  I praised his drawings and he ended up drawing a different figure for each of us – both of my little girls loved the cats he drew them, I have my panda stuck inside my wardrobe.

I got them to help out with the gardening, digging holes so that we could finally plant the trees we have had in pots and planning where things should go.

And they have been reading.  They read everything they could get their hands on.  Little Lady and Gorgeous have always been big readers, but Little Man’s English teacher had asked him to try slightly more challenging books which he had been avoiding.  Currently they are spending  whole days reading, with Little Lady raiding my book pile and telling me about the books I have been looking forward to read.  Even Little Man has been trying the type of books his teacher recommended.

Another positive side affect was that they suddenly all seemed to get their hearing back.  The internet seemed to make them deaf and mute, so engrossed in what they were doing that they wouldn’t hear me until I had my finger on the off button and they were having apoplectic fits at the computer being turned off.

It has not been effortless and there are draw backs.  Little Man tried to do a back flip on the trampoline despite me asking him not to and managed to knee himself in the nose, we spent one morning at a walk-in centre and another morning at the doctors to make sure it wasn’t broken.  In between finding things to do they fight like crazy.  I spend way too much time for my liking acting as judge, mediator and coach in disputes over the most ridiculous things (“he laughed at me”, “he farted”, “he touched my food, I’m not eating it now”).  The house is never silent as it is when the computer is on.  Silence is like a magic, special thing that is just not meant for me. 

They need internet access now they are back at school to help with school assignments and homework, but I am so glad I shut down internet use for the holidays.  They got to try some of the things we did as children, they were pushed into being creative and use their imagination and they had a break from exposure to some of the toxic effects of the internet, pop culture and gadgets. 

If you want to know more about the effects of these things you can read Toxic Childhood by Sue Palmer (my review here).

Picture of the Day 08.08.17 - Written Complaint

I usually come home from work to a mixture of leg hugging from the babies and a litany of complaints from everyone.  One day this week I came home to find a written complaint from Little Lady on the living room door:

Neither the culprit nor the nature of the multiple complaints surprised me.  Gorgeous revels in his mischief and mess.  He is lucky he is so charming that he gets away with all sorts.  He seems to have a natural knack of knowing exactly where the line can be drawn before I go ballistic and always stay just on the right side of it.  Although my response to any swearing at the moment is handing him a tasbeeh (prayer beads) and telling him to make astaghfar (repentance) 100 times asking Allah to remove the bad word from his book of deeds. 

Ramadan Journal 2017: Day 12 - Fail

When I think ahead to the routine in the evenings during Ramadan, it all seems so positive: feeding and putting the babies to bed early, catching up with my Ramadan reading, spending a little time in the kitchen before sitting down with my family to make intense and lengthy dua (supplication), before opening the fast peacefully and enjoying my meal.

Clearly I forget the chaos that happened the year before. The babies eat early, and then join us again for iftar, or better still, today refused to eat their food because they want to eat iftar – two hours before iftar time. I spend way too long in the kitchen and the older kids keep sneaking onto the computer the minute I turn my back and then promptly all turn deaf. I manage to drag them off about half an hour before to do a short taleem (study circle), which is currently reading daily from Virtues of Ramadan (from Fazail-e-Amal or Virtues of Deeds by Muhammad Zakariya Kandhelwi). The kids will take turns to loudly tell each other to be quiet before one of them starts to read in English and I translate into Urdu for mum-in-law. Darling will sit quietly sucking her thumb, but Baby insists on singing and jumping on sofas throughout.

As soon as they finish they will try to head back to the computer and get warned to stay off of it. I ask them to sit and make dhikr (remembrance of Allah (SWT)) and make dua for whatever they need as the time when we break fast is considered to be a time when supplications are answered:

On the authority of Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) it is related that the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said, “There are three people whose dua is not rejected; the fasting person until he breaks the fast, the just ruler, and the oppressed person, whose dua Allah lifts above the clouds and opens unto it the doors of Jannah, and Allah says: “I swear by My Honour, verily I shall assist you, even though it may be after some time.” (Ahmad and Tirmidhi)

Instead they start squabbling, trying to convince me to make chips and nuggets at the last minute or wander off. All of this I can deal with, it’s only when it comes to breaking the fast and I am trying to make dua and everyone starts trying to talk to me, arguing over who got how many nuggets and the babies start clamouring for food. It’s only then that I start to get annoyed. A few days ago I asked them to please allow me to make dua quietly for a few minutes. I told them they were not allowed to talk to me for a few minutes and I asked the babies to wait a few minutes for their food.

Today they all starting talking to me at once and arguing over the chicken wings someone dropped off for them. The babies starting waving their plates at me because the other children had started eating. I got very cross. I shouted at the kids, quite a bit. My mother-in-law looked entirely unimpressed but decided to ignore the yelling. I felt absolutely awful. Ramadan is a time when you are supposed to try and control your temper, let alone right before you are due to break your fast and when you should be making dhikr and dua.

I think this is known as a parenting fail. I didn’t feel like eating much after that, feeling embarrassed and a bit ashamed for blowing my top like that. I am away for a few days without the kids this weekend. I am going to relish opening my fast quietly and making lengthy dua for two days. Then insh’Allah when I come back, I will remind everyone about some basic ground rules about computers, arguing at meals, talking to me when I am making dua and cheeky babies trying to gate-crash iftar.

My youngest and cheekiest trying to help in the kitchen