Digging Holes and Adopting Roses

I haven’t been able to give the garden as much time as I like during Ramadan, barely managing to water it and stop everything from dying. Now that I am off work for a few days, I wanted to clean up and tend to some of the plants that weren’t doing as well.

A few of the plants that were withering in the pots, so I planted them into the bed. My shoulder has been very sore the last few days and the ground was hard, so I asked my other half to dig me some holes. He’s so cheesy, he told me if Farhad could dig a tunnel for Shirin through the mountain (Persian love story) he could dig me a hole in the garden :) 

I found some new roses on clearance at Tesco and adopted them. This cream one had big generous blooms, and a light scent, something I find rare these days in roses.

I couldn’t walk past this stunning colour without stopping to enjoy and getting told off by my oldest for wasting time and getting in people’s way. Now it’s in my garden and I can stare at it some more. Hopefully the colour won’t fade or change too much, which is what seems to happen to roses in my garden.

I bought this jasmine last year and was worried it would die over winter, but it has survived and in he last few weeks started to thrive mash’Allah. I’m hoping to train it up the fence. It’s also finally starting to flower. Last night I went into the garden for a bit and could smell it’s faint scent on the air.

These strawberry plants are from last year too, there are two or three small plants and one of them has a few blossoms.

I think this clematis is from about two years ago and I think we may have had a flower last year. It seemed to have taken only tenuously last year and I was worried it might die, it looked so fragile. This year it has grown leaps and bounds and started to grow up the wall. I am hoping to train it up the back fence. I’m really excited to see quit a lot of flower buds, so can’t wait to see what the flower looks like.

From this week, I’ll be keeping a closer eye on my seedlings insh’Allah. My first attempt to re-pot the bigger sunflower seedlings to give them more space seems to have killed them, so I'm leaving alone mostly for now.  The seeds we threw into the flower bed also seem to have taken hold and I am just waiting to see what they grow into.

I have found that there are a couple of apps that help you to identify seedlings. I downloaded PlantSnap, PictureThis and Plantyx for free and so far, have tried PlantSnap to successfully identify that one of the group of seedlings that have done really well are nasturtium plants.  So will be trying to identify the rest and label some of them insh’Allah.

Have you been growing anything at the moment? What is doing well in your garden or growing space?

Creating Perspective: On Love, Faith and Sacrifice.

I wrote recently about my experience of being without my husband as he is in India doing dawah work.  I suppose I vented a bit and let it all out.  I might have been quite negative.  But it really helped, I felt peaceful in the days afterwards and quite content – until I saw the comments under the post – I didn’t quite expect those.

I think people who have read my blog for a long time will have got a sense of two things – how lovely and supportive my husband is and how important faith and dawah work is to us.  I suspect that my vent-y blog post gave a skewed picture of what that means for us.  It has made me think I need to be more careful about what I share even if I do write anonymously.  I write with the purpose of sharing honestly to give an account of Muslim family life, to show we are just like everyone else, to connect with others and to learn from them.

My husband is one of the best people I know, both privately in the way he treats me and publicly in the way he serves his community, family, neighbours and faith community.  People often remark to me what a good man he is when they realise he is my husband – telling me how he has helped them at some point.  If I have given a different picture of him, then I have been unfair to him.

My husband goes for dawah work because we believe that someone has to do this work.  Everyone has excuses – lack of job or leave from work, elderly parents, financial responsibilities, young children.  We have most of those excuses, but for us these are not sufficient excuses. If he left for six weeks for a job elsewhere that is understandable, but to spread the word of Allah (SWT) in a time when there is a dire need, people see this as a waste of time and unnecessary.

So I support and encourage him, knowing he wouldn’t be able to go without my support.  He goes with certain unshakeable beliefs: that Allah (SWT) will provide all of our needs, that He will safeguard us against harm in my husband’s absence, that every test from him is a mercy to us and saves us from a bigger difficulty.  I believe that while he is away Allah SWT takes care of our affairs and that my dua’s (supplications) are accepted - so I see it as an opportunity to get all of my needs and desires met by the One who provides for and sustains us.

It seems hard for me, but in reality, it is harder for him.  His life has always revolved around my happiness, whether supporting me to work, or putting my happiness first in some other way.  Someone commented to suggest that he takes abuses and takes advantage of my insecurity. I wish that person could spend a day with me to see how insecure I am - when I am running my household, managing guests, rocking it in the workplace, throwing a party or standing up in my community.  My husband’s support has been the strength behind much of this – whether doing the school run every day for the last twelve years, picking and dropping me to work for ten years solid (in previous years), taking my mum everywhere with us, taxi-ing me and my sisters wherever we need to go, providing a man-free space when my niqabi friends come round or simply taking over the cooking and cleaning when I am tired.  I have yet to meet another man that is so willing to do his share so humbly – especially a Pakistani man at that 😊

More than anything it is hard to feel insecure when he has always made me feel like the most beautiful and adored woman in the world – through the years of rearing little ones and looking a mess and the years of gaining weight and getting older. He seems to see beyond every imperfection and only see the best in me, and make sure I know it.

And then there is the sweetness of finding each other new every time you are apart.  I spend the six weeks that he is away taking care of myself, doing what I want, and generally catching up on movies and books.  This stint in particular has been a time of growth for me – from finding my feet in the community, to learning to manage my in-laws expectations better (read not give a damn), to facing down my older kids, to reflecting on what the dream for life after 40 will look like (less than two months to go until that milestone), to losing lots of weight.  Did I mention not giving a damn? Gosh that feels good - like someone’s taken the shackles and the blinkers off at the same time.

Finally there are the days after he comes back. The nervousness in the days leading up to his return, his parent’s happiness.  He is sweeter than ever in those days, listening to my complaints, helping me as much as he can, trying to encourage me to take a break and generally agreeing to my every demand. He knows he can do what he does, because I do what I do.  That the hardship is our route to making an akhirah (afterlife) for ourselves - something neither of us take lightly. We believe that anything good requires some sacrifice. We believe that everything of this life is temporary and will be lost to us except that which we sacrifice for Allah (SWT). What we sacrifice to Allah (SWT) is what is most precious and beloved to us, that we want to find again in the next life, kept safe for us.  For both my husband and I that is each other – the foundation of each of our world is the other – he is the rock that makes me feel safe and loved, and I am the strength that encourages him do this work when many vilify him and make him doubt if he is doing the right thing.

Thirteen more days Alhamdulillah, before he gets back. That is thirteen more days that to feel safe and protected by Allah (SWT’s) promise. Thirteen days to have my dua’s accepted and all of my needs met.  Then thirteen more days before I can plan a fun summer with my better half insh’Allah.

Let there be a group of people among you who invite to goodness, enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong.  ~ Quran 3:104

Who is better in speech than the one who invites to God. ~ Quran 41:33

The Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)  said to ‘Ali (radhiallahu‘anh): “If Allah guides a person through you, it is better for you than all that is on the earth.” (Bukhari No. 2783 & Muslim No. 2406)

Difficult Days – Counting the Minutes

My husband is away for dawah work again this month. For those who are regular readers of the blog, you will know that my husband goes out to preach through his masjid every year for forty days (through a group called Tablighi Jamaat).  It is something we believe in and value and has been a part of our practise of our faith for almost the entirety of our marriage (nineteen years this year alhamdulillah). 

We have always faced heavy criticism from my family, and sometimes his (but a little less so) for the way we choose to live our lives, but we believe that this is part of our faith and the rewards make it worth the sacrifices:

“And let there be [arising] from you a nation inviting to [all that is] good, enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong, and those will be the successful.” ~ Quran, 3: 104

“Invite to the Way of your Rabb with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious, for your Rabb knows best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance”. ~ Quran 16:125

“Whoever calls others to guidance will have a reward like the rewards of those who follow him, without that detracting from their reward in any way. And whoever calls others to misguidance will have a burden of sin like the burden of those who follow him, without that detracting from their burden in any way.” (Muslim)

As the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) says: “God, His angels and all those in the Heavens and on Earth, even ants in their ant-hills and fish in the water, call down blessings on those who instruct others in beneficial knowledge.” (Tirmidhi)

When our children were younger, I found it manageable for my husband to be abroad and to take care of the household.  Sometimes one or the other of his parents would stay with us to help with the school run.  I would face the criticism with silence and a smile or try to explain gently why we do what he does and the fact that he hasn’t left me to deal with everything, but that I support him to do so.  There was a small part of me perhaps that even enjoyed having my own space and routine for a few weeks each year. 

In contrast the last two or three years have proved a little more challenging.  The kids are getting older and as they become teens they have tested my every fibre.  I have had to learn to parent all over again and question everything I do and believe in.  I am not getting any younger and although I am grateful for my health, to my own surprise I get tired now.  My husband’s parents are older and have become quite frail with various health issues and greater need for help and care.  This means his going away the last few years was so much harder on me. 

This time around he has gone for six weeks to India, something he has wanted to do for years.  I was a little wary after the shenanigans my oldest children got up to last time he was away and the stress and exhaustion of trying to manage everything alone.  Perhaps I was right to be.  This time round has been the hardest.  I don’t know how I am still standing or everyone in the household is still alive knowing my short fuse when I am stressed.

I have been playing war games with the oldest two – although we seem to made some kind of truce where Little Lady has calmed down and is behaving (I think…) and I am not quite best friends with Little Man (although that never lasts long).

The house seems to have come alive and is hell bent on self-destructive behaviour – a nasty leak from the upstairs bathroom has damaged a downstairs wall and means all eight of us in the house have to use the creepy downstairs bathroom (as Darling calls it), home of spiders and strange smells. The kitchen ceiling has also sprung a leak when it rains.

The fridge stopped working and three weeks later is still not fixed with the company waiting for parts to turn up (we think the leak in the kitchen roof meant water might have gotten into the fridge). We have a small spare fridge someone has loaned us, which is sitting in the living room blocking my running machine.  It’s so small that I have to cook more often because I can’t cook big portions to refrigerate – which is hard work with a family as big as mine that all have different dietary requirements (in-laws) or just refuse to eat certain things (in-laws and kids).

I have had a litany of fines and penalty notices to deal with, including one for a congestion charge that I pre-paid online and another because there were cones near my house to reserve a parking space – I don’t even drive!  That’s not counting the two penalty notices my husband left and asked me to resolve – I managed to get all of them cancelled – I am getting very good at it alhamdulillah.

My in-laws need a lot more help now – from the little things like using their mobile phones, to the bigger ones like finding they are intolerant to certain foods and need a special diet.  I have been struggling to keep track of their appointments, medications and complaints.  They are also eligible to use the NHS for some things and not others, so I have been having ongoing discussions with hospitals and doctors about what they can and cannot treat and trying to avoid doing anything that will land me with a massive bill.  This causes great anxiety for them and I have to limit what I tell them and answer the same questions again and again to calm them down.

They also won’t stop arguing and dad-in-law has become very deaf, but refuses to wear his hearing aid, which makes for some strange and random fights between them.  Mum-in-law's reduced mobility means she gets very depressed – and that is one of the things I find hardest to deal with after a long, intense day of work, trying to talk her up and out of her self-pity and feeling of helplessness.

Work is interesting, challenging, purposeful, fun, but so very exhausting.  I tend to work through lunch and not move for hours, engrossed in what I am doing - which is so bad for my health, but it means I have lost weight and my knees don’t hurt any more alhamdulillah.  The nature of the work – requiring deep thought and research, means that I don’t always have a lot of energy left mentally by the time I get home and I don’t get much time to de-pressurise between work and home to deal with home life.

My money has run out, like totally run out, I am counting the seven days until pay day and hoping no other unexpected expense appears. I hate the idea of asking anyone for help. I know I need to manage money better, but its not much use reminding yourself of this after all the money is gone.

Finally, I think I have taken on too much: work, home, elderly in-laws, social life, community activity.  I can’t really blame anyone but myself for that and I know I have to review my habit of wanting to do everything all of the time.  But even so, I am veering between managing things and feeling as if I am about to drown under it all.

There have been days when I open my eyes and think there is no way I can get through the day – just getting dressed and the kids ready for school has felt like wading through treacle. So, very, hard. The days when I am trying to work out what my mum-in-law can eat, or dad-in-law has asked the same question about a hospital letter seven times, or they think it’s too early to eat with the rest of us, so I am making chapatti’s at 9:30 and clearing the kitchen at 10pm.  The days when I have shouted at the kids and escalated a situation, when I should have just dealt calmly with it or listened and not flown off the handle over something that was not so big. 

I started to get frightened of how I felt on those days – of it turning into something more that I could not shake off or deal with.  On those days no amount of positive thinking, smiling, reminding myself to be grateful helped.  I just kept forcing one foot in front of another and making dhikr (remembrance of Allah) SWT until I found myself in a better place.

So now I am counting the days until my husband comes back.  It feels like the longest four weeks of my life and the next two weeks feel forever away.  The thought of those two weeks is daunting and makes me feel miserable.  I need someone to fix my fridge, the bathroom leak, the various other things that are damaged and broken.  I need someone to discipline the kids sometimes in my place.  I need someone to listen to my in-laws complaints and take them out sometimes to air them get some fresh air.

This time has challenged my faith in ways that I could not have imagined.  I have questioned myself, the work my husband does, the fact that I work, whether we have raised out children in the right way, whether hubby should stop going while the children are growing.  Whether we just got it all wrong.  There have been days when I have told myself that this is the last time he goes.  There have been days when my heart is so full to the brim with tears, but I feel too dulled to even let them out. Then there is the point every day when I think of the fight I will have when my husband gets back – the complaints and ultimatums I have planned and how I will not talk to him for days.

There are days when I fear that all the separation and hard work has been for nothing. I wonder if Allah accepts it or not, whether he is testing me or angry with me.  I yearn for a sign that we are on the right path and that I haven't got it all wrong.

But then there are days like today, when I wonder what all the fuss is about and I feel okay.  I am coming to realise that all of the challenges have forced me to grow in ways that I could not have imagined. I have spent my life trying to please others, fearing conflict and trying to win everyone’s approval.  I used to pray to Allah (SWT) to let me fear no-one but Him.  For the first time in my life, I feel as if I don’t need anyone’s approval.  I literally don’t care what anyone thinks - not my parents, not my in-laws, not my husband, not my neighbours, friends or community.  I cannot tell you how liberating this is. I can discipline my kids without caring if they don’t like me.  I can say no to people.  I can disagree with my in-laws without worrying about them disapproving.  I can make demands on my husband which I was always shy to do, but that is my right.  I am ready for a good fight, so the next aunty to comment on my not driving, or my weight, or my kids, or especially my husband “leaving me to go on holiday” is going to get verbally b*tch slapped back into their place.

I think my husband might find this new version of me a little disconcerting when he gets back, but it has been a long time coming.  I just pray and hope that we are doing the rght thing insh'Allah and that Allah (SWT) accepts it.

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Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 26

The quote for Day 26 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“Allah Knows what’s best for you, and when it’s best to have it.” 

Alhamdulillah, another saying that makes me think about patience, at a time when I have had to have some. As always it has not been my strongest point: the last days of Ramadan, Eid preparations, Baby has had a stomach bug and both my in-laws have been very unwell, coupled with a relative who has been quite unkind to me and I have had to ignore and be nice back.  Then hubby books his tickets to go India for six weeks on behalf of his masjid and I am fretting about dates and holidays.

So this is as good a time as any to take a step back, a deep breath and let go of anxiety and trying to do everything.  One step at a time, one thing at a time, a little at a time.  It is enough and I am enough alhamdulillah.  Insh’Allah, I hope to take the last few days of Ramadan slowly and gently for myself, my family and my husband insh’Allah who also seems to be doing a lot of rushing about at the moment.

'...and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.' ~ Quran 2:216

Al-Hasan al-Basri said: 'Do not resent the calamities that come and the disasters that occur, for perhaps in something that you dislike will be your salvation, and perhaps in something that you prefer will be your doom.'

'And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.' ~ Quran 65:3

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A Few Quiet Days Off

I have taken a few days off this week and next week during the children’s Easter break from school. I had lots of annual leave and extra hours from work that I had to use up before the end of the financial year or lose them.  I was looking forward to a break from the overwhelm of work, spending time with the children and catching up with housework.

We had hoped the weather would improve and we could go away for a few days. Unfortunately, our family car was stolen and it’s still grey and raining. So, we are at home. I kind of don’t mind. I can’t remember the last time I had the luxury of doing things slowly, or even having some time free with nothing to do – just reading, blogging if I feel like it, or roaming around the house aimlessly.

I am having to fight the urge to do “things” and the anxiety that I am not being productive.  Now that I have had a few days to mull over it and sit with it, it’s making me realise how relentless I can be with myself an everyone around me.  We must be doing something all the time, anything, being productive, aiming for something.  It drives me up the wall to see people doing nothing when they could be cleaning, organising, working, studying, revising, something. Even holidays and rest time for me involve doing something.

It makes me wonder what drives me in this way, some insecurity? Some fear of not having enough, doing enough or being enough?  I will sit with this a bit longer, doing nothing and feeling uncomfortable and see where it takes me.

In other news, my house feels like a battlefield at the moment.  Both hubby and I have had enough of the teenagers angry and rude behaviour in the last few months and decided enough is enough. Little Lady is rude and likes to hide in her room. Little Man is angry and explodes at every turn picking on his younger siblings and shouting and swearing.

We have tried being patient, praising good behaviour, not forcing religion down their throats and listening to what they say. We have tried being gentle, kind and treating them like young adults.  But there is a limit to our endurance and the level of rudeness and disrespect we can tolerate.  So I have taken away their phones, no takeaway or junk food, or privileges and no fun during school holidays.  Little Lady has responded by disappearing into her room once more and being surly and painfully sarcastic.  Little Man is furious. He is adamant he will get worse and we haven’t seen anything yet. He is refusing to talk to me except to say vehemently that he doesn’t want to talk to me.

I have tried to talk them down (sometimes successfully), I have tried reasoning, I have tried encouraging them to talk to me about makes them angry, I have taken their side when they needed me to.  But I am so, very tired of it all.  I can’t tolerate both their Dad and I being spoken to with rudeness and contempt.  I wouldn’t tolerate it from work, my wider family or the world in general, so how can I accept it from the children I do everything for? Months, even years, of day in day out fighting with them has left me feeling bruised and battered.  I ask myself isn’t this what parents are supposed to do?   Absorb the anger and keep going, keep being there, keep loving unconditionally?

I have questioned everything with them – my parenting, my values, my way of living out my faith. I have lost sleep and cried myself to sleep. In the end my husband reminded me – we have to keep strong; we have to stay united, we have to be firm in our beliefs and in doing what feels like the right thing with our children.  In the end they will all go their own way and we will be left together. 

At the end, I don’t know what to do any more. Except to be quiet, to be firm in what feels right and to keep going. To act with love, kindness and patience. To listen, to pray and ask Allah (SWT) for help, trusting he is the one that answers out prayers.

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Summer Break in Bournemouth 2018: Sunrise at Boscombe Beach

Whilst we were at Bournemouth I asked my husband to take me to the beach one morning after fajr (dawn prayers) without the kids.  Just the two of us.  He readily agreed as his dad was with us and would be home with the kids.

We snuck out early and took the short drive to Boscombe beach which was about the same distance away from us as Bournemouth beach.  Unlike Bournemouth beach, the place was mainly deserted except for the odd runner or beachcomber in the distance.

We enjoyed watching the sun come up and paint the sky on its way.  Even more I enjoyed being the centre of my other half’s attention and laughing at his attempts at romantic Urdu poetry. It felt so good to not worry about the kids for an hour or two, knowing they would be fast asleep and dad-in-law was pottering about back in the house we had rented.

We enjoyed the sand under our feet, the waves lapping at our ankle and the fresh sea air.  We found sea-shells to take back, I don’t think I have ever seen as many shells at a beach as I saw at Boscombe.

One thing I liked is that Boscombe seemed to have toilets and showers in the same place, right in front of the beach, to clean up after you have had a dip.  In Bournemouth, I struggled with the little ones trying to take them to the toilet and then finding a shower down the road which soaked me as I tried to rinse them off before changing them.

One the way back we took a look at the pier, unlike Bournemouth, Boscombe pier is free and a lovely modern design.  

Definitely a beautiful, soulful way to start the day, and the kids didn’t even realise we had gone.

Picture of the Day 01.07.18: Learning to Skate

Hubby's job as a removal man means he comes home with all sorts of things; some valuable, beautiful or useful and others random junk I have to decide what to do with or lug down to the charity shop.

This week he came home with an ironing board, a TV stand, a big bag full of really lovely baby toys and some new roller skates.  All of the other items went to neighbours who had either asked for them or were happy to take something for free.  Darling got the roller skates.  Being the biggest chicken ever, she isn’t one to fall over and try again, so her dad helped her practice:

It wasn’t long before Baby wanted her turn and being a daredevil spent the whole time falling over and trying to get up again with Darling’s help.

Finding a Place of Strength and Gratitude

My better half has now left to visit America for six weeks.  He will be staying in Chicago and doing dawah work until the end of Ramadan and come home to us in time for Eid. This time last year he was in Pakistan and I came close to having a breakdown trying to manage unruly teens, an ill-mother in law, getting by with no money and travelling to work in Ramadan in the heat.

At the end of that I felt both worn down and very strong, knowing I had handled everything that had come my way but feeling slightly resentful that I should have to and resentful that I seemed to have aged ten years over the course of that summer (my ego is having trouble accepting this).

This year I felt in a better place.  The kids are still hard work, especially the teens but we have routines and I push them to help and pull their weight. I teach the boys Arabic at home because I got fed up of their teacher complaining they were not concentrating and wanted to take charge before they were too old to influence in this matter.

Work is intense and often mentally exhausting, I love my work and feel stretched and challenged most days, but I am having to learn to ration my energy so that it is not all spent in the office.  I am not good at this, so I rarely have the energy to do anything other than housework and dinner and bedtime routines after I get home.

With my husband away, my morning routine has had to be extended.  I make dad-in-law’s lunch and leave it in the hot pot and get the kid ready and leave them with breakfast before I leave for work. Then dad in law will do the school run for both nursery and school.  This worked fine the first day, but on the second day, he picked Baby up from nursery and forgot to pick the rest of the children at the end of the school day.  The school called him to say the children need to be collected from the office, but his phone battery had run down and he didn’t get the message.  It was only an hour later when I got home and asked where the kids are that I realised what happened and rushed to collect them.  They were not best pleased.  I’m still not sure why he never got round to pick them up…I am praying we don’t get a repeat, I would normally call home, but he can’t hear what you say on the phone very well, so I will have to think of another solution (maybe ask the neighbour to knock and remind him).

I get through the time with my better half away by filling it up with positive things as much as I can.  I am hoping to take the kids out a few times before Ramadan starts, spend more time blogging and crafting insh’Allah and trying to do more fun things with the kids.  I also have a stack of books to read, including two for the office book club which should keep me distracted in the evenings.

A lot of people questions why hubby goes away for forty days every year.  My family are super critical of him for going and of me for putting up with it. I find it harder with him not here, but I know it is much harder for him to be away from me.  We both do what we do because of our faith and our belief in the necessity of dawah:

“Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good, enjoining Al-Ma’roof (Islamic monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (Polytheism and disbelief and all that Islam has forbidden). And it is they who are successful.” (Qur’an 3:104)

The above verse has always resonated with my powerfully and I pray that I and my family are raised in the ranks of those that it describes as succulent.

“Convey from me, even one verse.” (Bukhari)

“God, His angels and all those in the Heavens and on Earth, even ants in their ant-hills and fish in the water, call down blessings on those who instruct others in beneficial knowledge.” (Tirmidhi)

We believe that everything comes with a price and that for there to be positive change there must be sacrifice. That when we make the smallest of sacrifices or undergo the smallest of hardship for the sake of Allah (SWT), he blesses us with the greatest of rewards

“Whoever calls others to guidance will have a reward like the rewards of those who follow him, without that detracting from their reward in any way. And whoever calls others to misguidance will have a burden of sin like the burden of those who follow him, without that detracting from their burden in any way.” (Muslim)

So I am trying to reframe my thinking and see the good: the promise of reward from Allah (SWT), the opportunity to support my husband and also to take care of his dad. The chance to grow into a stronger mother, believer and person.  And while hubby is away to blog in the evenings and read all night like a teenager (and maybe forget to do the housekeeping some days).  

Sabr (patience) and shukr (gratitude) calligraphy (source)

Picture of the Day 14.04.018: Daddy's Little Girl

Our tiny little tornado is a real daddy’s girl, telling him at every opportunity she loves him and bullying him in between.  I thought this picture summed them up perfectly.

Pulling Yourself Out of a Black Fog

I know things are getting me down when I get through a whole pack of chocolate button and didn’t manage to enjoy one of them.  Instead I feel sick and the feeling of dread and anxiety hasn’t shifted all morning.

You hear these sayings all the time, but you don’t really appreciate the grain of truth in them until you find yourself in a situation where they apply. Like “having the weight of the world on your shoulders”. Being in a situation where I am trying to deal with multiple problems and with hubby away, it actually does feel like I have something enormous weighing me down.

I am trying to secure a place for Little Lady at a local school, but have been told that I am unlikely to and will need to go through an appeal process.  For the first of her two GCSE years.  The only option available is a 30 minute bus journey to a school which is the borough’s last resort for children of parents who don’t make the application in time.

The boys have decided this is good timing to play up and bunk off madrassah, I realised something was going on because they were going without complaint, so I decided to wait outside and ask the teacher if they had missed any classes.  He confirmed they had missed some that week and then proceeded to lecture me in front of all of the other parents about supervising my children properly and how it was the mother’s role to make sure the children were being properly managed.  I told him I look after my disabled mum-in-law, have three other children, my husband is away and I work, so barely get home for 5pm when their class starts.  That prompted an even bigger moan about mothers caring for children and who was with them during the day.  He finished by pointing out that Gorgeous needed to cut his nails.  With the other mothers peering on at what the fuss might be about.  I felt very embarrassed and left with his mobile phone number so that I could message in future to check up on their attendance and progress.

Mum-in-law is pestering me to get Darling (who is four) started on her Quran classes.  My friend taught Little Lady some years ago and is an excellent teacher, she says she wants to teach Darling when she is six and not before.  So Little Lady is currently starting Darling on her alphabet and is amazed at her memory.  I am looking at finding someone for both boys and Darling either to come home or for me to pick and drop them daily myself.

I am also juggling our finances as one of our tenant’s has left this week and the other is due to go next week.  We had agreed to the second tenant after she gave the impression she would be staying for some time, but realised that she had only meant to stay for a short time.  The income from renting out rooms covered the cost of paying back for our loft conversion, so I will have to pay back the amount for this month out of pocket, as well as tenant number two’s deposit.  I am looking for new tenants, but I am always wary as to what type of person you might be allowing into your house, so am careful not to rush into anything.

With the school holidays I was hoping to have a little extra money to be able to take the children out on weekends, but with the tenant situation I will have to be creative and find things to do that don’t involve lots of money.

With hubby away with Tablighi Jamaat for six weeks and then visiting his family for two weeks sometimes I feel a little rudderless, as if I have no direction and no rock to lean on.  He is also a good person to vent to and share with and also split the to-do list of things to resolve with.  I try not to burden the rest of my family, but bits seep out with moaning to the kids or grizzling to my mother-in-law.  I also don’t want people to think badly of hubby, because I support him in what he does and believe in it and I know he must be missing us all like crazy.

Still, every now and again I get a message from my brother-in-law telling me my husband is safe and well and having a good time.  He has friends and family from all over coming to see him with gifts and spending days at a time with him.  I am grateful that he is well and safe, but a little bit of me bubbles up with annoyance at how stressed I have been.

Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend at work and apologised to her for moaning.  But it felt good to share with someone who I could trust.  Today I am consciously trying to shrug the feeling of a ten tonne weight on my shoulders and lift myself out of this feeling of helplessness.  There are two things I have learned to do when I feel stuck or depressed.  The first is to enter into conversation with Allah (SWT), I make dua, I ask for his help and I remind myself of my relationship with Him and His love for me.  But ultimately the thing that helps, is handing over my problems to him and acknowledging my trust in him:

“Amazing is the affair of the believer, verily all of his affair is good and this is not for no one except the believer. If something of good/happiness befalls him he is grateful and that is good for him. If something of harm befalls him he is patient and that is good for him” (Saheeh Muslim #2999)

The second thing is to get moving and take action.  Any action.  Break down the problem into small components, or just take one problem that is manageable and take any small or big action that can help you move towards resolution.  So this week, I have written to the local education department and requested a form to appeal the decision regarding Little Ladies school place. I have diarised to apply again on the first day of August for the next school year.  I have advertised the rooms to rent and started putting items on eBay and Gumtree to sell to make space and create some income.  I have asked a few people regarding a new Quran teacher for the children.  I am pestering my mum-in-law to make lots of dua for me which I know she does.

They are all fairly small things and more work is required to resolve some of these problems, but taking action helps you to feel a bit more in control.  More importantly it helps you change your mindset away from a very miserable one that leaves you feeling stuck.

I am trying to use my daily commute (a bus and three trains each way) to catch up on my reading (and maybe catch a few Pokémon for my sons).

I am trying to use the time without hubby to spend a little more time blogging, writing, planning on a family history project and in self-reflection and of course more reading.

I am trying to save weekends for fun and family time, enjoying my parents and children and trying new things insh’Allah

I am using this time alone to take sole responsibility for the children’s behaviour and habits and implement a sensible routine, with chores, no internet and daily Islamic study.  It must sound like hell for children, but after a few days of moaning, they are getting on with their chores, my evenings are easier and I feel blessed to have a little learning every day, even if it is five minutes.  The kids are being forced to find other activities like reading, board games and crafts.

I believe that there is no growth without challenge.  That exponential growth and personal development happen only when you are stretched beyond what you think you can manage and dragged out of your comfort zone.  I feel as if recent events have forced me to take stock of what is happening with my children and shed some of my naivety as a mother.  I feel as if I have had to reinforce my backbone with stronger stuff, whether when managing sneaky tenants, holding my ground with mutinous children or managing my mother-in-law’s fretting without being unkind or impatient.

So as always, I am counting the days until hubby comes home to us, but I am also working to make sure each day until then counts.

"Verily, with hardship there is relief" (Qur'an 94:6)

"...Bear with patience whatever befalls you...." (Qur'an 31:17)

"Be not sad, surely Allah is with us." (Qur'an 9:40)

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (Qur'an 13:28)

Our Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: "Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry upon him is wrath." (Tirmidhi)

The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said, "Whoever Allah wishes good for, He inflicts him (with hardship)." (Bukhari)

“And if you would count the favours of Allah, never could you be able to count them. Truly! Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Quran 16:18)