After four children, I didn’t think it could happen to me. I thought I would know by now if I was in labour or not. So after a night of contractions on and off, when I woke up to pains every few minutes, I phoned the hospital and went in with hubby. Except by the time we pulled into car park the pains had stopped. I was mortified we’d be told off for wasting time and sent home, but hubby thought I should go in and get checked anyway now that we were in the hospital.
After checks, the midwife confirmed I was not in labour. She was concerned though at the size of the baby. A second midwife confirmed her worry and then called a Doctor who checked and sent me to have a scan. Whilst waiting for a scan a male technician called the next lady in and hubby started getting cross saying there was no way I was going to be checked by a man. I prayed for someone else because I was not in the mood for a fuss and Alhamdulillah the sweetest hijabi sister ever called me in with a “salaam” to do the ultrasound scan. She confirmed the baby was big. It certainly had a good paunch on it. The other thing I noticed was that it was the spitting image of my husband – much like the previous four had been at birth, what was I expecting?
We took the scan results back to the doctor and she asked us to come in and see thee consultant next week to discuss any interventions that might be required if the baby didn’t arrive before then (I’m due over the weekend). We were then sent home.
I was absolutely shattered by the time I got home with very swollen feet and no energy. I am struggling to relax though because of my youngest sister’s wedding and because I still have things to sort out for that. So after lunch I asked hubby to take me to a neighbouring town centre to look for suits for the boys. I didn’t find what I was looking for, so asked him to drop me off at another town centre nearby. I went through a couple of shops and still didn’t find what I was looking for. After hobbling home with Little Man in tow, I found something reasonable on the internet at a supermarket of all places. Now I just need to find them simple white kurta’s to wear with jeans for the henna because everything I pull out of their wardrobe has shrunk (or maybe they've had another growth spurt).
I just have to sort out Little Ladies wedding outfit, Darlings' and the boy’s shoes, an outfit for my mum-in-law and alterations to all sorts of things (my henna outfit’s shirt, Little Lady’s henna outfit sleeves are way too tight and I still have no idea if my wedding outfit is going to fit after I give birth). I’m going to see what I can manage tomorrow, if I don’t end up in hospital again. To be honest I am losing both the will and energy and might just delegate some things to my sisters and sister-in-law who are always great.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Thursday, 28 August 2014
Friday, 22 August 2014
Product Review: Ddrops Vitamin D Drops
I have suffered from Vitamin D deficiency since I was expecting Darling almost three years ago now. Initially I thought that my tiredness and achey legs were just the result of late pregnancy or weight gain or not being fit enough. It eventually got so bad that I went to the Doctor, who after a blood test prescribed Vitamin D capsules and a year later a Vitamin D injection.
With this pregnancy, I found myself even more drained and exhausted and was diagnosed with low Vitamin D, B12 and iron. I had to have B12 shots and iron supplements and was also given Vitamin D supplements which helped me to get back on my feet.
When I was asked to review this product, I was just coming to the end of my Vitamin D supplement, so thought it was good timing.
I was sent three different variations by the Ddrops company to try out: Mum's Ddrops, Ddrops and Baby Ddrops.
I started off by trying out the Mum's Ddrops which come in a small bottle. This is only partially full because the company use a standard size bottle which they fill with exactly 60 doses. One drop counts as one dose, which is 10 ug, the daily amount recommended by the UK Department of Health for pregnant and breastfeeding women.
You can add a drop to food or drink or drop it onto a clean surface such as a spoon or your hand and lick off. The drop is dispensed by turning the bottle upside down and waiting for it to drop out. I tried shaking it and tapping it on my hand and I was never sure if the dose was the right amount. Eventually I realised it was best to hold it over the back of my hand and let it drop the right amount out itself.
I wouldn't have been sure about buying these because of the cost, but the effect means that I would consider buying these in future, especially as despite the seemingly small bottle, it lasted quite a while.
I have been trying the Baby Ddrops with Darling, again I can't gauge the effect. The NHS recommends that all babies and young children aged six months to five years should take a daily supplement containing vitamin D in the form of vitamin drops, which is essentially what my children's advisor has recommended. Darling seems to like the baby version of the drops and takes them without fuss.
The regular Ddrops I gave to my mum-in-law to try as she is deficient in Vitamin D also. I asked her if she noticed a difference and she felt that they had been beneficial to her too, with an increase in her energy levels after a few days use.
The vitamin drops are suitable for vegans and vegetarians. I contacted the company to ask if they have any alcohol in the product and they advised:
"In the production of our products the liquid does come into contact with surfaces that have been washed with ethanol. However we do flush all the equipment to reduce the ethanol down to trace levels and we also discard the first few batches that run through the equipment after this flush. Any alcohol in our products will be below the parts per million level"
With this pregnancy, I found myself even more drained and exhausted and was diagnosed with low Vitamin D, B12 and iron. I had to have B12 shots and iron supplements and was also given Vitamin D supplements which helped me to get back on my feet.
When I was asked to review this product, I was just coming to the end of my Vitamin D supplement, so thought it was good timing.
I was sent three different variations by the Ddrops company to try out: Mum's Ddrops, Ddrops and Baby Ddrops.
I started off by trying out the Mum's Ddrops which come in a small bottle. This is only partially full because the company use a standard size bottle which they fill with exactly 60 doses. One drop counts as one dose, which is 10 ug, the daily amount recommended by the UK Department of Health for pregnant and breastfeeding women.
You can add a drop to food or drink or drop it onto a clean surface such as a spoon or your hand and lick off. The drop is dispensed by turning the bottle upside down and waiting for it to drop out. I tried shaking it and tapping it on my hand and I was never sure if the dose was the right amount. Eventually I realised it was best to hold it over the back of my hand and let it drop the right amount out itself.
I can't give a scientific appraisal, but I have felt as if the Mum's Ddrops did give me a boost in energy since I have been using it. I am also using a general pregnancy supplement which also includes 10ug of Vitamin D and I have no way of disaggregating the effect, but generally I did feel as if the Ddrops were making a difference.
I wouldn't have been sure about buying these because of the cost, but the effect means that I would consider buying these in future, especially as despite the seemingly small bottle, it lasted quite a while.
I have been trying the Baby Ddrops with Darling, again I can't gauge the effect. The NHS recommends that all babies and young children aged six months to five years should take a daily supplement containing vitamin D in the form of vitamin drops, which is essentially what my children's advisor has recommended. Darling seems to like the baby version of the drops and takes them without fuss.
The regular Ddrops I gave to my mum-in-law to try as she is deficient in Vitamin D also. I asked her if she noticed a difference and she felt that they had been beneficial to her too, with an increase in her energy levels after a few days use.
The vitamin drops are suitable for vegans and vegetarians. I contacted the company to ask if they have any alcohol in the product and they advised:
"In the production of our products the liquid does come into contact with surfaces that have been washed with ethanol. However we do flush all the equipment to reduce the ethanol down to trace levels and we also discard the first few batches that run through the equipment after this flush. Any alcohol in our products will be below the parts per million level"
Personally I was happy with this as a Muslimah and thought they were quite conscientious in their production process.
I like that the drops don't have any preservatives, artificial colours or colouring and are pretty much tasteless and odourless. I like it enough that I am planning to replace the review sample when it finishes.
Saturday, 16 August 2014
Packing my Hospital Maternity Bag
A few weeks ago, I found myself having what felt like mild contractions at bed time. It was a bit too early to go into labour, but it was an hour or so before they eased off and they freaked me out enough to pack my bags for hospital in case. As it’s the fifth time I am packing, I was a little more sparing about what I included and left out lots of things that I often see on lists on the internet.
Baby Bag:
At the last minute in my handbag:
If everything goes okay insh'Allah, you tend to get discharged within a few hours and leave hospital the day you give birth, so would not need that much. With Darling I ended up staying for three days whilst they ran some checks on her, so everything I packed got used.
In the past I have packed some books or magazines to pass the time, but my mum and mother-in-law are adamant that a woman should not read after birth (in their time they were told not to “thread a needle” i.e. do anything that might strain their eyes). They think this leads to deterioration of eye sight. Not sure if this is true, but my eye sight did get worse over the years I had my older children, so I am inclined to take notice. I might end up catching e-mails and news on my iPhone instead if I find myself going crazy.
The only other thing that I recommend is to organise some decent food for the first day. Hospitals here don’t seem to have much of a clue and will offer you sweet watery tea, which I find helpful and hard toast which I don’t as your insides feel raw without hard bits of toast scraping their way down. I usually get chicken soup or semolina pudding sent from home (made by mum or mum-in-law) which are nutritious, warm and soft.
What else would sisters recommend that they have found useful in getting packed and ready for hospital?
- Two blankets – Darling had lots so I just washed and packed two of hers
- Towel – I was debating whether to buy a new one because Darling’s aren’t as soft as they used to be and I still use both for her, one when she gets out of the bath and the other over her nappy mat for when I sit her down to dry her off. In the end I found a soft white one in a clearance sale and packed that.
- Packet of newborn vests
- 3 Newborn size babygrows/onesies. I found a few of Darlings that were nice quality and neutral colours that Shutterbug had bought her. I bought one new one so I have something nice to bring baby home in.
- Baby shampoo
- Small Size 1 (newborn) packet of nappies
- Bag of cotton balls
- A baby hat
- Some scratch mittens
- Some ready made formula milk and a disposable bottle and nipple. I might not need this, but in case the milk doesn’t come in for a while.
- 1-2 muslins – probably won’t need these yet, but they don’t take up much space. I found some heavily reduced so bought these new too.
- Some date for the baby’s tahneek (sunnah)
- Spare modest pyjamas (I usually go for a nightshirt and find some pyjama bottoms that vaguely match)
- Lots of spare pants
- Maternity sanitation – lots!
- Maternity breast-pads, although it might be a few days before you have enough milk come in to need these.
- Nursing bra - again, might not need this yet, but at least they tend to be very comfortable.
- A towel
- Toiletries – travel size shampoo, shower gel, wash sponge deodorant, moisturiser, lip balm, toothbrush and toothpaste and hairbrush.
- A small waterproof bath bag to pack the wet sponge/shampoo etc away
- My contact lenses and some wetting drops
- Bath sponge and waterproof bag to keep it in so it doesn't soak everything in your bag
- A big warm cardigan – It’s summer so I may not need it, but I usually get very cold and shivery right after I have had the baby.
- Socks and slippers for the same reason as above
- A plastic or waterproof bag to throw dirty laundry into for when you get home.
- Some energy bars and dates to keep me going and a bottle of water or juice
- My phone and charger
- My hospital maternity record (red book)
I also found it useful to grab one of my daughters Al-Amirah pull-on scarves which I kept on the whole time I was in hospital.
If everything goes okay insh'Allah, you tend to get discharged within a few hours and leave hospital the day you give birth, so would not need that much. With Darling I ended up staying for three days whilst they ran some checks on her, so everything I packed got used.
In the past I have packed some books or magazines to pass the time, but my mum and mother-in-law are adamant that a woman should not read after birth (in their time they were told not to “thread a needle” i.e. do anything that might strain their eyes). They think this leads to deterioration of eye sight. Not sure if this is true, but my eye sight did get worse over the years I had my older children, so I am inclined to take notice. I might end up catching e-mails and news on my iPhone instead if I find myself going crazy.
The only other thing that I recommend is to organise some decent food for the first day. Hospitals here don’t seem to have much of a clue and will offer you sweet watery tea, which I find helpful and hard toast which I don’t as your insides feel raw without hard bits of toast scraping their way down. I usually get chicken soup or semolina pudding sent from home (made by mum or mum-in-law) which are nutritious, warm and soft.
What else would sisters recommend that they have found useful in getting packed and ready for hospital?
Sunday, 10 August 2014
Pregnancy Superstitions
Pregnancy seems to bring out the advisor, expert, midwife, doctor, shaman and superstitious old soul in all sorts of people. I know every culture has some variation of pregnancy/baby superstitions – in England it’s the ring on a chain held over the stomach to determine if it’s a boy or girl (depending on whether the ring swings or goes round, can’t remember which signifies which). Over the years I have come across quite a few of them from Pakistani/Indian/Bengali ladies:
- You should not buy things for the baby before it is born – something about tempting fate I think. This drives me up the wall because I like to be organised and prepared and mum-in-law keeps trying to discourage me from buying things. I don’t blame her, it’s just the prevailing thinking in her circle. It did mean though that with Darling I didn’t have the things I needed when she was born.
- If a woman is expecting a boy she will always put her right forward first and if a girl her left foot when she starts walking.
- The child looks like the person you look at the most, so you should look at good looking people. I think this is why you often find pictures of beautiful babies displayed around pregnant women in India and Pakistan. Mine all start off looking exactly like their dad and then change but retain a strong amount of his influence in some way (hands and feet, build, face, colouring, skin and hair texture, bone structure) and I still complain I don’t get to see enough of him.
- If a child has a birthmark, it’s where the cord touched them (this one seems really silly to me as the baby seems to be in touch with its cord all the time).
- If a child has the cord wrapped round it’s neck at birth, you will have a child of the same sex for every time the cord is wrapped round.
- You must not wear henna when you are pregnant - not sure why, especially as you get so hot when you are pregnant and henna has cooling properties.
- You should avoid eating too many hot foods earlier in the pregnancy to avoid miscarriage – foods with hot properties are ones like red meat, nuts, fish. I suspect this is based on some variation of ayurvedic medicine.
- If you become beautiful in pregnancy, you are having a boy. I'm less dubious about this one, as with my boys my skin glowed and my hair felt great, with the girls less so. This time round a friend took one look at me and said I would have a girl because I have lost my glow – we’ll have to wait and see if she is right!
- One that my family do not practise but which I have come across, is to not put a first born, or a first son, or very beloved baby in new clothes, but rather borrow another babies old clothes – something about protecting the child from the evil eye I think.
Thursday, 7 August 2014
Free…Last Day at Work and Planning for the Holidays
Today was my last day at work before my maternity leave begins. What a relief. I've had weeks of sweltering in a glass office, feeling sleepy and overheated and trying to appear professional and not the hot, sticky, sleepy mess that I have been feeling. I spent my last day trying very hard not to fall off my chair. I tried food, chocolate, a mocha, walking around, cold water, going to the loo every little while (not surprising given all the water and mocha I drank) and still thought I was going to keel over. In the end I said I was going somewhere cool for 10 minutes as I could not concentrate and was overheating. I went to the quiet room which is used for prayers, set my alarm for fifteen minutes and promptly fell fast asleep. I woke up after about ten minutes, came back to my desk and borrowed someone’s fan and spent the rest of the morning with it trained on my face. If it hadn't been for the nap and the fan, I wouldn't have made it through my last day.
So no more waking up at 6:30am, no more wearing sensible office shoes, or any shoes if I can help it. No more forcing myself to stay upright and pretend to be concentrating at work, when I am feeling so sleepy I just want to lie on the floor. No more eating to stay awake. No more getting so hot I can’t think straight and wondering if it’s just me or if it is actually that hot. No more feeling like an out of place, not very smart or professional looking blimp. No more giving people a shock when they ask me if it’s my first baby and I tell them it’s my fifth.
As of this evening, I have a few weeks to rest and get myself and my home organised. My hospital bags are packed, my birth plan is completed and I have been thinking about where we would fit the clothing and paraphernalia for another baby, so will be spending time moving things around to accommodate everything.
Over the last few days I have been thinking about what I will be doing during the rest of the year at home with the kids. I spent some time going over the goals I wrote for myself at the start of the year, just before I realised I was pregnant (including “I will do my Masters this year no matter what” – except a new baby it turns out!). I've used the templates at the start of the 2014 Muslimah Inspiration Journal I created at the end of last year as well as some others (such as Productive Muslim’s one here, Scott Dinsmore’s Live Your Legend 2014 Goal Setting and Action Workbook here and Leonie Dawson’s 2014 Create Your Amazing Year Life Edition Workbook and Planner here). I also found any old documents saved in various drives and e-mail folders that mention any kind of goal or creative idea or wishlist and extracted any sections that were still relevant. So I have a long list of goals, plans, dreams, bucket lists and intentions to work on and plan. I have been breaking them down into what I want to achieve this year, next year or in subsequent years and mapping them out in one place. The whole process has left me feeling excited, energised and looking forward to the rest of the year insh’Allah. At the same time I am mindful that my body can’t keep up with my brain and everything needs to happen in small steps. The next few months will also be about taking care of a tiny baby, potty training a toddler, helping Little Lady settle into secondary school, tying to find some kind of tuition for Little Man to help him prepare for his 11+ exams the following year. So lots to do, but I believe in taking whatever small action whenever you can.
I found that one of my goals for 2014 was to help the kids have the best summer holidays ever. So far they have been complaining it’s their second worst holidays ever (last year Ramadan was during the holidays and we couldn't do anything at all with them). So I have asked them all to make a list of things they want to do that are sensible, reasonable and affordable. Little Lady wants to bake cupcakes and do crafts with me, Little Man included clay modelling and a midnight feast in his list. Gorgeous handed me a list that said:
Disney land
Cornwall
Scotland
Legoland
Safari Park
Olympics ?!
Clearly the boy has no concept of sensible and I’ll have to try and help him think of something that I can actually afford and manage to do.
In the meantime, I have Kooks vintage style bridal shower this weekend that I am hosting in my mums garden, an aqeeqah to think about, another Great Gatsby-inspired bridal shower that my sister-in-law is hosting the day before my baby is due and Kook’s henna and wedding which are about a week after my due date. Before all of that though, I'm having another long nap and liberal doses of Gaviscon.
So no more waking up at 6:30am, no more wearing sensible office shoes, or any shoes if I can help it. No more forcing myself to stay upright and pretend to be concentrating at work, when I am feeling so sleepy I just want to lie on the floor. No more eating to stay awake. No more getting so hot I can’t think straight and wondering if it’s just me or if it is actually that hot. No more feeling like an out of place, not very smart or professional looking blimp. No more giving people a shock when they ask me if it’s my first baby and I tell them it’s my fifth.
As of this evening, I have a few weeks to rest and get myself and my home organised. My hospital bags are packed, my birth plan is completed and I have been thinking about where we would fit the clothing and paraphernalia for another baby, so will be spending time moving things around to accommodate everything.
Over the last few days I have been thinking about what I will be doing during the rest of the year at home with the kids. I spent some time going over the goals I wrote for myself at the start of the year, just before I realised I was pregnant (including “I will do my Masters this year no matter what” – except a new baby it turns out!). I've used the templates at the start of the 2014 Muslimah Inspiration Journal I created at the end of last year as well as some others (such as Productive Muslim’s one here, Scott Dinsmore’s Live Your Legend 2014 Goal Setting and Action Workbook here and Leonie Dawson’s 2014 Create Your Amazing Year Life Edition Workbook and Planner here). I also found any old documents saved in various drives and e-mail folders that mention any kind of goal or creative idea or wishlist and extracted any sections that were still relevant. So I have a long list of goals, plans, dreams, bucket lists and intentions to work on and plan. I have been breaking them down into what I want to achieve this year, next year or in subsequent years and mapping them out in one place. The whole process has left me feeling excited, energised and looking forward to the rest of the year insh’Allah. At the same time I am mindful that my body can’t keep up with my brain and everything needs to happen in small steps. The next few months will also be about taking care of a tiny baby, potty training a toddler, helping Little Lady settle into secondary school, tying to find some kind of tuition for Little Man to help him prepare for his 11+ exams the following year. So lots to do, but I believe in taking whatever small action whenever you can.
I found that one of my goals for 2014 was to help the kids have the best summer holidays ever. So far they have been complaining it’s their second worst holidays ever (last year Ramadan was during the holidays and we couldn't do anything at all with them). So I have asked them all to make a list of things they want to do that are sensible, reasonable and affordable. Little Lady wants to bake cupcakes and do crafts with me, Little Man included clay modelling and a midnight feast in his list. Gorgeous handed me a list that said:
Disney land
Cornwall
Scotland
Legoland
Safari Park
Olympics ?!
Clearly the boy has no concept of sensible and I’ll have to try and help him think of something that I can actually afford and manage to do.
In the meantime, I have Kooks vintage style bridal shower this weekend that I am hosting in my mums garden, an aqeeqah to think about, another Great Gatsby-inspired bridal shower that my sister-in-law is hosting the day before my baby is due and Kook’s henna and wedding which are about a week after my due date. Before all of that though, I'm having another long nap and liberal doses of Gaviscon.
Managing my Workload as a Mother
A sister kindly took the time to leave a comment on a previous post in which I mentioned I was pregnant:
“Asslalamoalikum. I was just wondering how do you take care of the littlest one while resting and not being very well. My son is 18 months n it's hard how will I manage the next pregnancy with him in tow. Doesn't your darling need constant supervision and attention? Who gives it to her all the time? Thankyou so much for your reply in advance”
I just love reading comments and I always have the best intention to respond, but never get round to it, mainly because I read them on my phone and then plan to log on to my laptop to answer them properly and don’t get the chance to until much later. I thought this sister had a valid question and wanted to answer it properly.
There are a lot of elements that come together in how I take care of myself and my family, especially when they are at challenging ages. The first element is experience. I helped my mum a lot as a child with my siblings, being the eldest I was expected to pull my weight and I have clear memories of changing Fashionista Sister’s nappies when I was about eight or so and also of baby sitting numerous babies and toddlers at a time from about ten whilst mum and my aunts were out shopping the sales (no-one thought anything of leaving so many kids unattended twenty five years ago). So there was never the novelty factor for me of having children, I never thought about it too much and I just got on with it when my kids arrived. Certainly the practical elements of nappies and bottles were no big deal as this is just part of being in a bit family and something you gets lots of exposure to.
Alongside this the most valuable factor to me has been the help of my husband. This has made all the difference in my life Alhamdulillah. Hubby was the eldest of six brothers and always pulled his weight and helped his mum at home. He is also religious and understands that it is sunnah to help your wife. Finally he is just a decent guy mash’Allah and if he sees that someone needs help won’t sit there tapping his foot for his dinner. I would strongly encourage brothers to help their wives wherever they can and not think they are above it, it makes so much difference in their lives and in the lives of your children.
That’s not to say it’s easy. I had three children under five at one point and I remember how miserable I felt after Gorgeous was born. I had a dose of the baby blues (undiagnosed post-natal depression) and could not motivate myself to get up and get on with taking care of my children. So for months it was a case of robotically going through the motions of constant nappies, bottles, breastfeeding, changes, baths and bedtimes. I was lucky that Gorgeous was such an easy-going baby and also that the feeling of depression and not wanting to do anything lifted after a few months. Little Lady started nursery and I went back to work. Those years really were hard work though and once all three were old enough to go to the bathroom themselves and feed themselves, it was if my life had suddenly gotten easier.
Another factor that helped was that a few years ago, my mum-in-law started spending summers with us. This meant that the kids had supervision from someone that really adored them through the summer holidays whilst I worked. Mum-in-law loves it here: the climate suited her, our home environment is quite easy going and religious and she made lots of friends on the school run and when she took the kids to the park. It means that between us, with mum-in-law here, me doing earlier hours and leaving work around when school finished and my husband becoming self-employed we could all help each other take care of the children and they have never been in day-care. I am also lucky that my neighbours are amazing. They pop round during the day to keep my mum-in-law company and occasionally one of them will take Darling home for an hour or to the corner shop. I have found it very rewarding to make friends with a number of my neighbours, they dote over my little girl and a few have offered to help with taking the kids to school or picking them up if I needed it when I was pregnant or Darling was very small. I have never had to take up the offer, but I know it is there in a tight spot.
Now that they are in school and I have a 22 month old again in Darling, the biggest factor in caring for her has been her laid back nature. Darling sleeps a lot and she sleeps for a good part of the day when she is with her grandmother. She is a quiet introverted child and occupies herself with her toys (or by standing on her potty and getting hold of my make-up). I find myself taking her in my stride - she is a fussy eater and instead of chasing her I try again later, or she refuses to go up the stairs herself for her nappy change so I get one of the older kids to carry her up for me.
The one big thing that has helped me is that I and hubby have mostly been consistent in setting boundaries. The kids know that they will get the same answer from us both and that there is no point in trying with the other parents if one has laid down the law. So we save a lot of time in whinging and pestering. There are certain things that are set in stone – once Darling is in bed she knows no one is going to get her out again, so she lies quietly until she falls asleep. The kids know that they can’t have fizzy drinks, so they don’t ask. All four have tried tantrums and found that we ignored them and given up quite quickly (Gorgeous is the exception and responds to everything loudly, not so much because he is throwing a tantrum, but just because he is very loud and energetic). Once we say no to something, we keep to our word, so when the kids were smaller they didn’t pester us too much or they gave up with – “well I know you are not going to let us have it anyway”. As they get older I tell them that they can disagree or negotiate with us if they are respectful and reasonable, so they will often try to persuade us and we will sometimes change our mind.
Something else that helps me is my faith. I ask Allah (SWT) every morning in my fajr ()dawn) prayers to help me get through the day, to fulfil the responsibilities He has tasked me with, to be a good mother and wife. Especially at nine months pregnant I could not do it without the help of Allah (SWT). When I am at my limit, I carry on putting one foot in font of the other knowing that Allah has promised:
“Asslalamoalikum. I was just wondering how do you take care of the littlest one while resting and not being very well. My son is 18 months n it's hard how will I manage the next pregnancy with him in tow. Doesn't your darling need constant supervision and attention? Who gives it to her all the time? Thankyou so much for your reply in advance”
I just love reading comments and I always have the best intention to respond, but never get round to it, mainly because I read them on my phone and then plan to log on to my laptop to answer them properly and don’t get the chance to until much later. I thought this sister had a valid question and wanted to answer it properly.
There are a lot of elements that come together in how I take care of myself and my family, especially when they are at challenging ages. The first element is experience. I helped my mum a lot as a child with my siblings, being the eldest I was expected to pull my weight and I have clear memories of changing Fashionista Sister’s nappies when I was about eight or so and also of baby sitting numerous babies and toddlers at a time from about ten whilst mum and my aunts were out shopping the sales (no-one thought anything of leaving so many kids unattended twenty five years ago). So there was never the novelty factor for me of having children, I never thought about it too much and I just got on with it when my kids arrived. Certainly the practical elements of nappies and bottles were no big deal as this is just part of being in a bit family and something you gets lots of exposure to.
Alongside this the most valuable factor to me has been the help of my husband. This has made all the difference in my life Alhamdulillah. Hubby was the eldest of six brothers and always pulled his weight and helped his mum at home. He is also religious and understands that it is sunnah to help your wife. Finally he is just a decent guy mash’Allah and if he sees that someone needs help won’t sit there tapping his foot for his dinner. I would strongly encourage brothers to help their wives wherever they can and not think they are above it, it makes so much difference in their lives and in the lives of your children.
That’s not to say it’s easy. I had three children under five at one point and I remember how miserable I felt after Gorgeous was born. I had a dose of the baby blues (undiagnosed post-natal depression) and could not motivate myself to get up and get on with taking care of my children. So for months it was a case of robotically going through the motions of constant nappies, bottles, breastfeeding, changes, baths and bedtimes. I was lucky that Gorgeous was such an easy-going baby and also that the feeling of depression and not wanting to do anything lifted after a few months. Little Lady started nursery and I went back to work. Those years really were hard work though and once all three were old enough to go to the bathroom themselves and feed themselves, it was if my life had suddenly gotten easier.
Another factor that helped was that a few years ago, my mum-in-law started spending summers with us. This meant that the kids had supervision from someone that really adored them through the summer holidays whilst I worked. Mum-in-law loves it here: the climate suited her, our home environment is quite easy going and religious and she made lots of friends on the school run and when she took the kids to the park. It means that between us, with mum-in-law here, me doing earlier hours and leaving work around when school finished and my husband becoming self-employed we could all help each other take care of the children and they have never been in day-care. I am also lucky that my neighbours are amazing. They pop round during the day to keep my mum-in-law company and occasionally one of them will take Darling home for an hour or to the corner shop. I have found it very rewarding to make friends with a number of my neighbours, they dote over my little girl and a few have offered to help with taking the kids to school or picking them up if I needed it when I was pregnant or Darling was very small. I have never had to take up the offer, but I know it is there in a tight spot.
Now that they are in school and I have a 22 month old again in Darling, the biggest factor in caring for her has been her laid back nature. Darling sleeps a lot and she sleeps for a good part of the day when she is with her grandmother. She is a quiet introverted child and occupies herself with her toys (or by standing on her potty and getting hold of my make-up). I find myself taking her in my stride - she is a fussy eater and instead of chasing her I try again later, or she refuses to go up the stairs herself for her nappy change so I get one of the older kids to carry her up for me.
The one big thing that has helped me is that I and hubby have mostly been consistent in setting boundaries. The kids know that they will get the same answer from us both and that there is no point in trying with the other parents if one has laid down the law. So we save a lot of time in whinging and pestering. There are certain things that are set in stone – once Darling is in bed she knows no one is going to get her out again, so she lies quietly until she falls asleep. The kids know that they can’t have fizzy drinks, so they don’t ask. All four have tried tantrums and found that we ignored them and given up quite quickly (Gorgeous is the exception and responds to everything loudly, not so much because he is throwing a tantrum, but just because he is very loud and energetic). Once we say no to something, we keep to our word, so when the kids were smaller they didn’t pester us too much or they gave up with – “well I know you are not going to let us have it anyway”. As they get older I tell them that they can disagree or negotiate with us if they are respectful and reasonable, so they will often try to persuade us and we will sometimes change our mind.
Something else that helps me is my faith. I ask Allah (SWT) every morning in my fajr ()dawn) prayers to help me get through the day, to fulfil the responsibilities He has tasked me with, to be a good mother and wife. Especially at nine months pregnant I could not do it without the help of Allah (SWT). When I am at my limit, I carry on putting one foot in font of the other knowing that Allah has promised:
“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease.” ~ Al- Quran 65:7
At the same time you have to be realistic about the standard you hold yourself to. I think mothers in the modern world have unreasonable standards placed on them regardless of whether in the West and Muslim or not. A perfect house, amazing cooking, the figure of an eighteen year old, immaculate children who are ahead at school, know all their prayers, have perfect manners and Arabic and are good at everything. Mothers are expected to organise activities, tuition, enrol their child in every class and sports activity and programme going. All the time with a vague anxiety at the back of their mind that if they let slip anywhere they will be failures and their children will fail miserably in life. I don’t think so! I don’t buy into this and I believe in taking on what you can manage and doing it as well as you can rather than perfectly. Allah (SWT)m knows and we know when we are doing our best. I believe in allowing children to enjoy their childhood rather than hot-housing them and placing undue pressure onto them.
As I get older, not only do I reject these standards and create my own definition of what a good mother is, I am more confident in saying that something is too much and I might have to stop doing it or ask for help. I don’t see it as assign of personal failure as a woman or mother if the house is messy or the kids have misbehaved or dropped a grade in a subject, or spent the last twenty minutes fighting, or the baby has a dirty face and bedtime is getting late. They are only children and you are only human and in the bigger scheme of things, maybe these things won’t matter so much.
One other thing that has freed up my time and given me the opportunity to do other things despite having young children, is not having a television. This is such a time-stealer and I find not having it means that when I do have a rare free moment these days, I will use it for something useful, or productive – writing, crafts, even napping. Over time I have also found that it means that the children have found ways to occupy themselves – reading, building dens, having a summer club with the neighbours kids during the holidays. Sometimes it means they occupy themselves with wrestling, fighting, mischief and breaking things (so far this summer holidays I have a broken tile on the kitchen floor, a door hinge loose on one of my kitchen cabinets and all of my lovely garden plants and ornaments have been destroyed thanks to football practice). I figure their dad will have to fix what he can and I console myself with the thought that I was much, much naughtier than any of them as a child.
After all these years, I have no idea how I will manage a toddler and a newborn with three older kids at two different schools – except to say that it’s not my job to do so alone. Our family only works and does well if we work as a team. If I am too tired, I don’t try to be a martyr and I am honest and tell them I can’t do any more for anyone until I have rested. I take one day at a time, try to be organised and ask Allah (SWT) for help every step of the way knowing I can do nothing unless I have his help.
At the same time you have to be realistic about the standard you hold yourself to. I think mothers in the modern world have unreasonable standards placed on them regardless of whether in the West and Muslim or not. A perfect house, amazing cooking, the figure of an eighteen year old, immaculate children who are ahead at school, know all their prayers, have perfect manners and Arabic and are good at everything. Mothers are expected to organise activities, tuition, enrol their child in every class and sports activity and programme going. All the time with a vague anxiety at the back of their mind that if they let slip anywhere they will be failures and their children will fail miserably in life. I don’t think so! I don’t buy into this and I believe in taking on what you can manage and doing it as well as you can rather than perfectly. Allah (SWT)m knows and we know when we are doing our best. I believe in allowing children to enjoy their childhood rather than hot-housing them and placing undue pressure onto them.
As I get older, not only do I reject these standards and create my own definition of what a good mother is, I am more confident in saying that something is too much and I might have to stop doing it or ask for help. I don’t see it as assign of personal failure as a woman or mother if the house is messy or the kids have misbehaved or dropped a grade in a subject, or spent the last twenty minutes fighting, or the baby has a dirty face and bedtime is getting late. They are only children and you are only human and in the bigger scheme of things, maybe these things won’t matter so much.
One other thing that has freed up my time and given me the opportunity to do other things despite having young children, is not having a television. This is such a time-stealer and I find not having it means that when I do have a rare free moment these days, I will use it for something useful, or productive – writing, crafts, even napping. Over time I have also found that it means that the children have found ways to occupy themselves – reading, building dens, having a summer club with the neighbours kids during the holidays. Sometimes it means they occupy themselves with wrestling, fighting, mischief and breaking things (so far this summer holidays I have a broken tile on the kitchen floor, a door hinge loose on one of my kitchen cabinets and all of my lovely garden plants and ornaments have been destroyed thanks to football practice). I figure their dad will have to fix what he can and I console myself with the thought that I was much, much naughtier than any of them as a child.
After all these years, I have no idea how I will manage a toddler and a newborn with three older kids at two different schools – except to say that it’s not my job to do so alone. Our family only works and does well if we work as a team. If I am too tired, I don’t try to be a martyr and I am honest and tell them I can’t do any more for anyone until I have rested. I take one day at a time, try to be organised and ask Allah (SWT) for help every step of the way knowing I can do nothing unless I have his help.
Darling helping her sister make loom bracelets
Monday, 4 August 2014
Pregnancy Update – Slow and Steady
I am currently 36 weeks along with my baby due at the very end of this month. This is my last week at work and after two weeks off, I’m impressed I managed to get up early and make it in. I always find at the best of times that any significant time off work leaves me very domesticated and not looking in the least like a working professional. I have spent the last two weeks at home with my hair in a loose pony tail, rotating the same few light cotton clothes that I could tolerate in the heat and slogging around in my husband’s big house shoes. I just didn’t feel civilised enough to return to the office. I’m just grateful for my simple abayah and scarf that hide my messy, un-groomed hair and mismatched clothes. Spending the whole day in normal shoes is another matter.
Waking up every day at 10am for the last few weeks and then spending an hour creaking and groggy before I come to life, means that the idea of getting up for work seems close to impossible. This week I’ll be getting up for work at 6:30am, so that means today I was vaguely functional by about 8:30am. Another reason I was wary of going back to work was that I have been having very strong Braxton Hicks (practice) contractions and I’m convinced the baby moved down at some point leaving me freaked out a little at the downward pressure, it felt slightly indecent to be going to work in that state. It seems to have moved up again, so I feel normal again (as normal as you can feel at the start of your ninth month of pregnancy). I went through a lot of the same with Darling, who came ten days early, so I don’t think I will make it to my due date this time round either.
The kids are on summer holidays so I am trying to keep them occupied and away from the computer. They get a bit frustrated that I can’t take them places, so mum-in-law takes them to the park and I am trying to get hubby to make time to take them out. Generally they will just have to be patient. The good thing is that they are reading lots, including Gorgeous who can spend hours reading compulsively which gives me some respite. The boys are finally suspicious that I am fat for a reason, but haven’t said much apart from Gorgeous tapping me on the stomach and asking me why I’m so fat – “Are you having another baby?” I asked him if he wanted one, and he said “Only if it’s a boy”
I’m usually in nesting mode around now, cleaning and organising everything in my way. This time round I just don’t have the strength and energy. Picking things up off the floor is painful and I get a very sore back after doing a little housework, so it’s a case of doing what is necessary, a little at a time and roping the kids in to help me. That means that this time nesting is just staying indoors and not wanting to go anywhere. I think everyone – kids, mum-in-law, hubby, are so used to be being out and about that they are going to find it odd me being at home all day and not going anywhere unless I have to.
Three more days of work and then I can find every cushion in the house, shove it under me at every angle and refuse to ever move again.
Waking up every day at 10am for the last few weeks and then spending an hour creaking and groggy before I come to life, means that the idea of getting up for work seems close to impossible. This week I’ll be getting up for work at 6:30am, so that means today I was vaguely functional by about 8:30am. Another reason I was wary of going back to work was that I have been having very strong Braxton Hicks (practice) contractions and I’m convinced the baby moved down at some point leaving me freaked out a little at the downward pressure, it felt slightly indecent to be going to work in that state. It seems to have moved up again, so I feel normal again (as normal as you can feel at the start of your ninth month of pregnancy). I went through a lot of the same with Darling, who came ten days early, so I don’t think I will make it to my due date this time round either.
The kids are on summer holidays so I am trying to keep them occupied and away from the computer. They get a bit frustrated that I can’t take them places, so mum-in-law takes them to the park and I am trying to get hubby to make time to take them out. Generally they will just have to be patient. The good thing is that they are reading lots, including Gorgeous who can spend hours reading compulsively which gives me some respite. The boys are finally suspicious that I am fat for a reason, but haven’t said much apart from Gorgeous tapping me on the stomach and asking me why I’m so fat – “Are you having another baby?” I asked him if he wanted one, and he said “Only if it’s a boy”
I’m usually in nesting mode around now, cleaning and organising everything in my way. This time round I just don’t have the strength and energy. Picking things up off the floor is painful and I get a very sore back after doing a little housework, so it’s a case of doing what is necessary, a little at a time and roping the kids in to help me. That means that this time nesting is just staying indoors and not wanting to go anywhere. I think everyone – kids, mum-in-law, hubby, are so used to be being out and about that they are going to find it odd me being at home all day and not going anywhere unless I have to.
Three more days of work and then I can find every cushion in the house, shove it under me at every angle and refuse to ever move again.
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Ramadan and Pregnancy – Respecting a Womans’ Choice
I am part of the Facebook group for Multi-Cultural Kids Blogs, where there are lots of pointers to useful resources, people asking interesting questions and conducting research amongst the member bloggers and lots of debate and discussion. Recently someone posted a link to this article on the very popular Babycentre website which discusses fasting during pregnancy. The article didn’t particularly bother me (although some of the people posting on the thread were a little annoyed at the focus of the article). What really interested me was the comments that followed the article. This was for two reasons – one that many of the comments were from Muslim women and I often find that when it comes to issues that affect Muslim women, everyone has an opinion but often the view of a range of Muslim women is just not represented. The second reason was the diversity of the comments – from both women who have fasted in pregnancy and those who have decided not to and the different reasoning behind both.
I am currently seven and a half months pregnant and have tried fasting for a day and realised that it is not the best choice for me and my baby this Ramadan. I am deficient in iron, vitamin D and B12 and so have to manage my nutrition through the day to combat exhaustion and make sure I and baby are well.
That doesn’t mean that I think there should be a blanket ban on all pregnant women fasting. I fasted with my three older children, for all whom Ramadan fell between the sixth and eight month of pregnancy. I also happened to be 10 years younger and a lot fitter and Ramadan fell in the winter months. This meant a healthy breakfast and lunch a few hours later than usual (in winter the fast is 8-9 hours and breaks at about 4pm in the UK, in contrast to the 17 hour summer fasts).
With Darling I fasted a few days and found myself feeling too tired, so fasted intermittently. This time round, the one day I fasted, meant it took me the whole of the following day to recover from exhaustion. The decision not to fast was not taken lightly but seemed the most sensible thing to do within the guidance and mercy of my faith which allows pregnant women to abstain from fasting and make the fasts up later when it might be more manageable.
The thing that really surprised me, although it shouldn’t by now, was the amount of people who thought they knew best on my behalf. I had a number of work colleagues ask if I was fasting and when I said no responded with “good!”, which rather irritated me. Then I had a number of sisters from the local community that surrounds our masjid and from the school run asking me if I was fasting and encouraging me to try. I am by nature a contrary woman (my husband has come to realise this), I don’t like to be told to do things and the quickest way to make me want to do something is to be ordered not to do it.
I think these people need to:
“With regard to the pregnant woman: it is permissible for her not to fast if she fears some harm which she thinks will most likely affect her and/or her baby.”
This is based the Quranic injunction not to harm ourselves alongside the following:
Ibn ‘Abbas said: This is a concession allowed to old men and women, who can only fast with difficulty; they are allowed to break the fast and to feed one poor person for each day of fasting missed. This also applies to pregnant and nursing women, if they are afraid.” Abu Dawood said: “i.e., if they are afraid for their children, they may break the fast.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1947; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Irwa’, 4/18, 25).
So for me it is not a clear ban on fasting if you are pregnant, but rather for the pregnant women to assess whether it is safe and manageable for her and her baby and to make a sensible choice.
Another aspect that has influenced my decision to fast in the past is my strong belief that if you do something for the sake of Allah (SWT) He will make it easy and place barakah in it for you. He may ask you to make a sacrifice or undergo something challenging for Him, but he will not necessarily exact it from you (think of Ibrahim AS being asked to slaughter his son, but not actually having to). Hence the fact that it seems easier to fast in the middle of summer for Ramadan when Allah’s (SWT) help and mercy is with you, than make up fasts outside of winter even in the short cool days. With my older children I fasted with the intention that I would make abundant dua (supplication) for my babies whilst fasting with greater confidence that they were being accepted.
At the moment I also have the added factor of my children starting to fast. Watching them fast but not doing so myself feels very strange. I have tried to be discreet, but now I have the boys asking me every few days why I am not fasting – I have told them it’s because I am not well and need injections from the doctor (B12) so cannot. Little Lady and I had a running joke to see how long before the boys clocked we were expecting another blessing. We never thought it would last this long, but now at almost seven and a half months they still haven’t realised (Gorgeous just isn’t very impressed that I have gotten fat). So now we have decided not to tell them and see how they react when a new baby comes home – I had no idea they would be so oblivious.
Not being able to fast means that I have been looking for other ways to make the most of this month and not miss out on it’s rewards, this has been difficult because I find it hard to pray salat because of my bulk and exhaustion. Instead I have been trying to make more dhikr, share food at iftar time and encourage the children to do more good deeds (Gorgeous likes the idea of a good deed list and Little Man is looking for one good deed that will give him an enormous reward).
I would love to hear suggestions from other sisters about what they do at this time for spiritual fulfilment and reward if they are missing out on fasting, whether due to pregnancy, illness or menstruation.
I pray for my sisters who are fasting and for those who simply could not and ask for your dua’s for all of us and for Allah (SWT) to accept whatever little we can manage during this blessed month.
I am currently seven and a half months pregnant and have tried fasting for a day and realised that it is not the best choice for me and my baby this Ramadan. I am deficient in iron, vitamin D and B12 and so have to manage my nutrition through the day to combat exhaustion and make sure I and baby are well.
That doesn’t mean that I think there should be a blanket ban on all pregnant women fasting. I fasted with my three older children, for all whom Ramadan fell between the sixth and eight month of pregnancy. I also happened to be 10 years younger and a lot fitter and Ramadan fell in the winter months. This meant a healthy breakfast and lunch a few hours later than usual (in winter the fast is 8-9 hours and breaks at about 4pm in the UK, in contrast to the 17 hour summer fasts).
With Darling I fasted a few days and found myself feeling too tired, so fasted intermittently. This time round, the one day I fasted, meant it took me the whole of the following day to recover from exhaustion. The decision not to fast was not taken lightly but seemed the most sensible thing to do within the guidance and mercy of my faith which allows pregnant women to abstain from fasting and make the fasts up later when it might be more manageable.
The thing that really surprised me, although it shouldn’t by now, was the amount of people who thought they knew best on my behalf. I had a number of work colleagues ask if I was fasting and when I said no responded with “good!”, which rather irritated me. Then I had a number of sisters from the local community that surrounds our masjid and from the school run asking me if I was fasting and encouraging me to try. I am by nature a contrary woman (my husband has come to realise this), I don’t like to be told to do things and the quickest way to make me want to do something is to be ordered not to do it.
I think these people need to:
- Not assume that the choices they make or would make are best for everyone else.
- Allow women to monitor their own health and make choices based on what they know about their own bodies.
- Consider that women should be respected enough to make their own informed decisions regarding matters that effect them.
“With regard to the pregnant woman: it is permissible for her not to fast if she fears some harm which she thinks will most likely affect her and/or her baby.”
This is based the Quranic injunction not to harm ourselves alongside the following:
Ibn ‘Abbas said: This is a concession allowed to old men and women, who can only fast with difficulty; they are allowed to break the fast and to feed one poor person for each day of fasting missed. This also applies to pregnant and nursing women, if they are afraid.” Abu Dawood said: “i.e., if they are afraid for their children, they may break the fast.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1947; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Irwa’, 4/18, 25).
So for me it is not a clear ban on fasting if you are pregnant, but rather for the pregnant women to assess whether it is safe and manageable for her and her baby and to make a sensible choice.
Another aspect that has influenced my decision to fast in the past is my strong belief that if you do something for the sake of Allah (SWT) He will make it easy and place barakah in it for you. He may ask you to make a sacrifice or undergo something challenging for Him, but he will not necessarily exact it from you (think of Ibrahim AS being asked to slaughter his son, but not actually having to). Hence the fact that it seems easier to fast in the middle of summer for Ramadan when Allah’s (SWT) help and mercy is with you, than make up fasts outside of winter even in the short cool days. With my older children I fasted with the intention that I would make abundant dua (supplication) for my babies whilst fasting with greater confidence that they were being accepted.
At the moment I also have the added factor of my children starting to fast. Watching them fast but not doing so myself feels very strange. I have tried to be discreet, but now I have the boys asking me every few days why I am not fasting – I have told them it’s because I am not well and need injections from the doctor (B12) so cannot. Little Lady and I had a running joke to see how long before the boys clocked we were expecting another blessing. We never thought it would last this long, but now at almost seven and a half months they still haven’t realised (Gorgeous just isn’t very impressed that I have gotten fat). So now we have decided not to tell them and see how they react when a new baby comes home – I had no idea they would be so oblivious.
Not being able to fast means that I have been looking for other ways to make the most of this month and not miss out on it’s rewards, this has been difficult because I find it hard to pray salat because of my bulk and exhaustion. Instead I have been trying to make more dhikr, share food at iftar time and encourage the children to do more good deeds (Gorgeous likes the idea of a good deed list and Little Man is looking for one good deed that will give him an enormous reward).
I would love to hear suggestions from other sisters about what they do at this time for spiritual fulfilment and reward if they are missing out on fasting, whether due to pregnancy, illness or menstruation.
I pray for my sisters who are fasting and for those who simply could not and ask for your dua’s for all of us and for Allah (SWT) to accept whatever little we can manage during this blessed month.
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Picture of the Day: 29.06.14 - Healthy Iftar
Everyone is struggling with fasting in our house at the moment. Mum-in-law has health problems, I'm seven months pregnant and the kids are still quite young. So we are doing what we can, some fasting, some not and some keeping some fasts.
So we are trying to avoid fried foods for iftar and stick to food that is nutritious and not so heavy it makes everyone too sleepy/gassy for taraweeh prayers. For the first fast we had medjool dates, date and nut slices (recipe here), sliced fruit, fruit chaat or salad (recipe here), mango milkshake and channa chaat (recipe here).
So we are trying to avoid fried foods for iftar and stick to food that is nutritious and not so heavy it makes everyone too sleepy/gassy for taraweeh prayers. For the first fast we had medjool dates, date and nut slices (recipe here), sliced fruit, fruit chaat or salad (recipe here), mango milkshake and channa chaat (recipe here).
Friday, 27 June 2014
All Done
Today I am done.
It's not even 10am and I have argued, cried and pushed myself as far as I can go.
I woke and was so tired to the bone that I could barely move, it took about half an hour to stop feeling like I was going to drop.
I had to go at 7am to get bread for the kids packed lunches.
I had to go at 7:30 to queue up outside the Dr's surgery which opens at 8am , to get an appointment for my mum-in-law and daughter. I couldn't believe the queue outside already, including a poor woman that looked about 85.
I got an appointment for mum-in-law in the one and only slot they were offering on the day I had taken off to take my daughter to her high-school taster day, so will have to drop her off a mile and a half away and then come back to take mum in law to the Dr about half a mile in the opposite direction. I'll then have to drop her home and go back to pick Little Lady up for midday and take her back to her normal school.
There was no appointment for Little Lady, so I picked a fight and got promised a call from the Dr, if I get one I have to go and get her from school and go to see the Dr straight away
I had to get back to home in time to get the kids to school and found them all sitting around not having had breakfast with 10 minutes left to leave.
I was fed up I just yelled at them to eat something, anything and get out the door - of course the boys headed straight for the chocolate spread.
I headed upstairs, shut the door and just sobbed for ten minutes.
I begged an pleaded and fought with Allah (SWT) for some strength, some ease, some comfort, some relief.
But I am literally exhausted to my bones.
I am fed up with how much I have to do alone
I am fed up with going from bus to three trains and back again every day for an hour each way for an office which is barely five miles away.
I am fed up with coming home and then having to listen to complaints about the children - and having to discipline so long after whatever they did - which I don't see the point of.
I'm fed up of cooking when I don't want to eat what I have cooked and when no matter what you cook, there is always someone who won't eat that particular thing (because they get gas, or it's too spicy, or it's vegetarian, or it's meat - Allah help me!)
I'm fed up with cleaning and tidying and organising and the house still looking grubby because so much maintenance needs doing and the kids like to follow behind making a mess again.
I'm fed up with always having to watch my money and be frugal and feel guilty for days on end for spending on myself when I earned my money.
I'm fed up with constantly watching the clock for this appointment or that deadline and trying to be at two places at once.
Much as I love them, I am fed up with my irresponsible, self-centred, lazy, thoughtless family, who seem to think that someone else will always get the thing that needs doing done.
I am fed up of worrying and about and trying to manage the physical and mental health and diets and needs of others when they will not take responsibility for themselves.
I am tired of caring for so many others with no one to care of me.
I am tired of spending inordinate amounts of money and time on cooking for my family, only to be told by everyone that my kids are too skinny (cause for Asian mum's fat kid = good mum).
I am fed up of being told by sisters from the masjid that I should not work as Allah (SWT) will provide at the same time as my bills have shot up and I have another baby on the way.
I am fed up of always feeling like I need to do more hours and take shorter lunches at work despite being ahead of my work and having to ask for more to keep occupied. Because sometimes it's how late you show your face and not how productively you use your time.
I am fed up of doing a job that has de-skilled me and which I don't see the point of a lot of the time when I yearn to do something meaningful and challenging.
I am tired of being in an office which is too hot and which leaves me with swollen hands and feet, soaked to the skin, watching the clock and a feeling of panicky despair to just get out.
I am fed up of a body that will not listen, which cannot keep up and which hurts somewhere or other all the flipping time.
I am fed up of praying in constant discomfort and still feeling as if my prayers are a mess lacking concentration, devotion and even the right number of rakaats because half the time I am too tired and brain-dead to know what I am doing.
I am fed up of having my emotions controlled by hormones and crying or getting angry for the stupidest thing.
I know that this is not how a Muslimah should think or behave.
I have been trying to count my blessings all morning - letting Darling's sweet face soothe me
I am grateful for the plenty that Allah (SWT) has given me, more than I can ever imagine or deserve
I know that Allah (SWT) does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear and he test us when he loves us, that this is the time I should feel his closeness and love for me.
I know that there are so many whose love, friendship, prayers and good wishes are behind me, more than I even know.
I know that I am blessed that my husband is treading the path of Allah (SWT) doing dawah work and creating our akhirah (afterlife).
I have argued, begged and pleaded with Allah and asked him to let me be strong and graceful in difficulty, or at least to be able to drop my kids off without red eyes and a red nose.
But today I am DONE.
Today I will not care what anyone says or thinks and anyone that comes near me will get a very blunt and truthful side of me.
Today I will not worry about the bank account, what I am wearing, the state of my prayers, or my house or my wardrobe, my children's weight or education, or the number of classes or playgroups they are not going to. Today I am not going to cook, clean, do laundry or pick up after people.
Today I am not going to be positive, graceful in adversity, humble or kind.
I'm going to let myself be grumpy, argumentative and stubborn as I want.
Today I am going to get take-away, buy myself some new shoes a size bigger, read, watch a dumb movie, ignore people's advice and ignore everyone's moaning and complaints.
Today hubby is just better off in Germany.
Tomorrow is likely the first day of Ramadan, I will make new intentions, renew my efforts at my prayers and carry on trying my best insh'Allah. I will be positive and grateful to Allah (SWT) for my situation and see all of the good in it. I will look forward to my day, make plans and be as productive as I can.
But today I am so done.
“Surely with every difficulty there is relief.
Surely with every difficulty there is relief.” ~ Quran 94:5-6
“When Allah has previously decreed for a servant a rank which he has not attained by his action, he afflicts him in his body, or his property or his children.”~ Abu Dawud
”There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that there is decreed for him by Allah (something) good or his sins are obliterated.” ~ Sahih Muslim
And there has to be a group of people from among you who call towards good and prevent from evil. ~ Quran 3:104
It's not even 10am and I have argued, cried and pushed myself as far as I can go.
I woke and was so tired to the bone that I could barely move, it took about half an hour to stop feeling like I was going to drop.
I had to go at 7am to get bread for the kids packed lunches.
I had to go at 7:30 to queue up outside the Dr's surgery which opens at 8am , to get an appointment for my mum-in-law and daughter. I couldn't believe the queue outside already, including a poor woman that looked about 85.
I got an appointment for mum-in-law in the one and only slot they were offering on the day I had taken off to take my daughter to her high-school taster day, so will have to drop her off a mile and a half away and then come back to take mum in law to the Dr about half a mile in the opposite direction. I'll then have to drop her home and go back to pick Little Lady up for midday and take her back to her normal school.
There was no appointment for Little Lady, so I picked a fight and got promised a call from the Dr, if I get one I have to go and get her from school and go to see the Dr straight away
I had to get back to home in time to get the kids to school and found them all sitting around not having had breakfast with 10 minutes left to leave.
I was fed up I just yelled at them to eat something, anything and get out the door - of course the boys headed straight for the chocolate spread.
I headed upstairs, shut the door and just sobbed for ten minutes.
I begged an pleaded and fought with Allah (SWT) for some strength, some ease, some comfort, some relief.
But I am literally exhausted to my bones.
I am fed up with how much I have to do alone
I am fed up with going from bus to three trains and back again every day for an hour each way for an office which is barely five miles away.
I am fed up with coming home and then having to listen to complaints about the children - and having to discipline so long after whatever they did - which I don't see the point of.
I'm fed up of cooking when I don't want to eat what I have cooked and when no matter what you cook, there is always someone who won't eat that particular thing (because they get gas, or it's too spicy, or it's vegetarian, or it's meat - Allah help me!)
I'm fed up with cleaning and tidying and organising and the house still looking grubby because so much maintenance needs doing and the kids like to follow behind making a mess again.
I'm fed up with always having to watch my money and be frugal and feel guilty for days on end for spending on myself when I earned my money.
I'm fed up with constantly watching the clock for this appointment or that deadline and trying to be at two places at once.
Much as I love them, I am fed up with my irresponsible, self-centred, lazy, thoughtless family, who seem to think that someone else will always get the thing that needs doing done.
I am fed up of worrying and about and trying to manage the physical and mental health and diets and needs of others when they will not take responsibility for themselves.
I am tired of caring for so many others with no one to care of me.
I am tired of spending inordinate amounts of money and time on cooking for my family, only to be told by everyone that my kids are too skinny (cause for Asian mum's fat kid = good mum).
I am fed up of being told by sisters from the masjid that I should not work as Allah (SWT) will provide at the same time as my bills have shot up and I have another baby on the way.
I am fed up of always feeling like I need to do more hours and take shorter lunches at work despite being ahead of my work and having to ask for more to keep occupied. Because sometimes it's how late you show your face and not how productively you use your time.
I am fed up of doing a job that has de-skilled me and which I don't see the point of a lot of the time when I yearn to do something meaningful and challenging.
I am tired of being in an office which is too hot and which leaves me with swollen hands and feet, soaked to the skin, watching the clock and a feeling of panicky despair to just get out.
I am fed up of a body that will not listen, which cannot keep up and which hurts somewhere or other all the flipping time.
I am fed up of praying in constant discomfort and still feeling as if my prayers are a mess lacking concentration, devotion and even the right number of rakaats because half the time I am too tired and brain-dead to know what I am doing.
I am fed up of having my emotions controlled by hormones and crying or getting angry for the stupidest thing.
I know that this is not how a Muslimah should think or behave.
I have been trying to count my blessings all morning - letting Darling's sweet face soothe me
I am grateful for the plenty that Allah (SWT) has given me, more than I can ever imagine or deserve
I know that Allah (SWT) does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear and he test us when he loves us, that this is the time I should feel his closeness and love for me.
I know that there are so many whose love, friendship, prayers and good wishes are behind me, more than I even know.
I know that I am blessed that my husband is treading the path of Allah (SWT) doing dawah work and creating our akhirah (afterlife).
I have argued, begged and pleaded with Allah and asked him to let me be strong and graceful in difficulty, or at least to be able to drop my kids off without red eyes and a red nose.
But today I am DONE.
Today I will not care what anyone says or thinks and anyone that comes near me will get a very blunt and truthful side of me.
Today I will not worry about the bank account, what I am wearing, the state of my prayers, or my house or my wardrobe, my children's weight or education, or the number of classes or playgroups they are not going to. Today I am not going to cook, clean, do laundry or pick up after people.
Today I am not going to be positive, graceful in adversity, humble or kind.
I'm going to let myself be grumpy, argumentative and stubborn as I want.
Today I am going to get take-away, buy myself some new shoes a size bigger, read, watch a dumb movie, ignore people's advice and ignore everyone's moaning and complaints.
Today hubby is just better off in Germany.
Tomorrow is likely the first day of Ramadan, I will make new intentions, renew my efforts at my prayers and carry on trying my best insh'Allah. I will be positive and grateful to Allah (SWT) for my situation and see all of the good in it. I will look forward to my day, make plans and be as productive as I can.
But today I am so done.
“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him.
Allah will grant after hardship, ease.” ~ Quran 65:7“Surely with every difficulty there is relief.
Surely with every difficulty there is relief.” ~ Quran 94:5-6
“When Allah has previously decreed for a servant a rank which he has not attained by his action, he afflicts him in his body, or his property or his children.”~ Abu Dawud
”There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that there is decreed for him by Allah (something) good or his sins are obliterated.” ~ Sahih Muslim
And there has to be a group of people from among you who call towards good and prevent from evil. ~ Quran 3:104
"0 Muslims! you are the best of peoples, who have been selected for the guidance of mankind; you
enjoin them to do good deeds, and prevent them from forbidden things; and you have firm faith in
Allah."
~ Quran 10:104
Aa-ishah (Radhiyallaho anha) says: "Once the Holy Prophet (Sallallaho alaihe wasallam)
entered the house and I guessed from his face that something of great importance had happened to
him. He did not talk to anyone, and after making wudhu (ablution) he entered the mosque. I stood
behind the wall to hear what he said. He sat at the pulpit and after praising 'Allah, he said, "0
Muslims! Allah has commanded you to call people to good deeds, and prevent them from committing
sins; otherwise a time will come when you will pray to Him, but He will not listen to you; you will ask
your needs of Him, but He will not grant them; you will demand His help against your enemies, but He
will not help you." After saying this, he came down from the pulpit."
Thursday, 19 June 2014
Mid-Year Review: Word for 2014
About half of the calendar year has passed already and it occurred to me how many plans and good intentions I had at the beginning of the year, mid-year my position is very different as I am now six and a half months pregnant and trying to stumble through the day rather than achieve my biggest life goals.
I remember I had a word for the year, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what the word was. So I looked back through the blog and found it was FOCUS. Which is perfect, and still very apt. At the beginning of the year I wrote:
“I am looking forward to the coming year with a really positive feeling alhamdulillah. I feel a lot clearer about what I want from life and what I have to do to achieve those things. I have clear goals regarding my children, my writing, work, my business and my finances. I think I might just be able to screw up some courage and actually get on with trying to achieve some of them.
So my word for the year 2014 is FOCUS.
Insh’Allah, I hope to focus on one project at a time, work hard and get it done. I tend to have lots of ideas and love capturing them and then instead of focussing on delivery I am busy getting excited about the next idea that I think up. Ideas are useless until you act on them and do something with them. For that reason, I need to focus on one thing at a time and then keep my energy and attention on it until I can bring it to fruition.”
I think this is still very the much the case for me. I stopped everything else and worked on my Eid and Ramadan Planner 2014 until it was done. I am currently trying to work on another three projects and not getting anywhere because I have so little time and energy. This is the perfect reminder to pick one, take whatever time I have, even if it is five minutes at a time and focus on doing it till it is done.
I remember I had a word for the year, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what the word was. So I looked back through the blog and found it was FOCUS. Which is perfect, and still very apt. At the beginning of the year I wrote:
“I am looking forward to the coming year with a really positive feeling alhamdulillah. I feel a lot clearer about what I want from life and what I have to do to achieve those things. I have clear goals regarding my children, my writing, work, my business and my finances. I think I might just be able to screw up some courage and actually get on with trying to achieve some of them.
So my word for the year 2014 is FOCUS.
Insh’Allah, I hope to focus on one project at a time, work hard and get it done. I tend to have lots of ideas and love capturing them and then instead of focussing on delivery I am busy getting excited about the next idea that I think up. Ideas are useless until you act on them and do something with them. For that reason, I need to focus on one thing at a time and then keep my energy and attention on it until I can bring it to fruition.”
I think this is still very the much the case for me. I stopped everything else and worked on my Eid and Ramadan Planner 2014 until it was done. I am currently trying to work on another three projects and not getting anywhere because I have so little time and energy. This is the perfect reminder to pick one, take whatever time I have, even if it is five minutes at a time and focus on doing it till it is done.
Regarding my health I wrote:
“In terms of my health I have been trying to manage my eating better and found that although I have managed to improve some habits, I find it hard to eat less. So this year my focus will move from dieting, abstaining and feeling dissatisfied to focussing on feeling good about my body and mindful of its genuine needs, focussing on health and in particular focussing on movement and physical activity.”
Although I haven’t been consciously making this my approach, this is the direction I have gravitated in during this year. I know I can’t diet because I am pregnant and I have to find ways to get the nutrition I need to manage my energy. Finding I have low Vitamin D, B12, iron and who knows what else has forced me to stop feeling guilty about eating, make sure I eat lots of fruit, raw veg and nuts and doing my research about the best supplements to help me.
The word focus resonates, because that is the only way I have been able to get through my day. To wake up and focus on standing up. To get ready in the morning and focus on getting through the commute, even to focus on putting one foot in front of the other when I am getting off the train and walking the 100 yards or so to my office, when in reality all I want to by this point at 7:40am is lie down on the pavement in a star shape and not move for along time.
I have to focus on my screen during the day, so I don’t get staring off into space or give in to my inclination to get up, leave the overheated office and just lie down in the middle of the open plan office and pretend no one else is there (although thankfully the air con kicked in today after weeks of suffering through the heat in this glass box of an office).
I have to focus on the commute home as I switch between trains and busses, edge my way through the rush into any seat I can find and look forward to the minute I set foot in the door. I swear this is the best time of my whole day, the time I can let go and lose focus for a little while. The best time to just be in then moment and feel the coolness of my hallway, to take my shoes off and feel the cold wooden floor under my swollen, sore feet, take my hijab and abayah off and feel the air on my skin, see Darling’s enormous smile and excitement at seeing me and pick her up and squeeze her into the most delicious hug. I have a few minutes and then I have to focus again.
Focus on getting washed up for prayers, pray, make sure the kids have prayed, clear away their school things and then back out of the door to get Little Lady to her Arabic class (although thankfully her grandmother is taking turns with me on that), pick up any groceries I need on the way back and cook dinner and food for the next two days packed lunches. The rest of the evening is an exhausted fizzling out of focus as I pick up Little Lady, feed everyone, do a short study circle before bed and get everyone into bed before cleaning up the kitchen and getting everyone’s things ready for the next day. I think I will have to keep working on this focus thing. My second best part of the day is getting back into bed. I’m sure I am just counting down to this moment from the time I stumble out of bed in the morning. I can finally do what I have wanted to all day and lie down in a star shape and let my mind spin off to wherever the heck it wants to go.
Anyway, my next focus will be on preparing mentally and in practical terms for Ramadan, in getting to the end of this pregnancy one day at a time and in picking one project and working on it until I am done.
“In terms of my health I have been trying to manage my eating better and found that although I have managed to improve some habits, I find it hard to eat less. So this year my focus will move from dieting, abstaining and feeling dissatisfied to focussing on feeling good about my body and mindful of its genuine needs, focussing on health and in particular focussing on movement and physical activity.”
Although I haven’t been consciously making this my approach, this is the direction I have gravitated in during this year. I know I can’t diet because I am pregnant and I have to find ways to get the nutrition I need to manage my energy. Finding I have low Vitamin D, B12, iron and who knows what else has forced me to stop feeling guilty about eating, make sure I eat lots of fruit, raw veg and nuts and doing my research about the best supplements to help me.
The word focus resonates, because that is the only way I have been able to get through my day. To wake up and focus on standing up. To get ready in the morning and focus on getting through the commute, even to focus on putting one foot in front of the other when I am getting off the train and walking the 100 yards or so to my office, when in reality all I want to by this point at 7:40am is lie down on the pavement in a star shape and not move for along time.
I have to focus on my screen during the day, so I don’t get staring off into space or give in to my inclination to get up, leave the overheated office and just lie down in the middle of the open plan office and pretend no one else is there (although thankfully the air con kicked in today after weeks of suffering through the heat in this glass box of an office).
I have to focus on the commute home as I switch between trains and busses, edge my way through the rush into any seat I can find and look forward to the minute I set foot in the door. I swear this is the best time of my whole day, the time I can let go and lose focus for a little while. The best time to just be in then moment and feel the coolness of my hallway, to take my shoes off and feel the cold wooden floor under my swollen, sore feet, take my hijab and abayah off and feel the air on my skin, see Darling’s enormous smile and excitement at seeing me and pick her up and squeeze her into the most delicious hug. I have a few minutes and then I have to focus again.
Focus on getting washed up for prayers, pray, make sure the kids have prayed, clear away their school things and then back out of the door to get Little Lady to her Arabic class (although thankfully her grandmother is taking turns with me on that), pick up any groceries I need on the way back and cook dinner and food for the next two days packed lunches. The rest of the evening is an exhausted fizzling out of focus as I pick up Little Lady, feed everyone, do a short study circle before bed and get everyone into bed before cleaning up the kitchen and getting everyone’s things ready for the next day. I think I will have to keep working on this focus thing. My second best part of the day is getting back into bed. I’m sure I am just counting down to this moment from the time I stumble out of bed in the morning. I can finally do what I have wanted to all day and lie down in a star shape and let my mind spin off to wherever the heck it wants to go.
Anyway, my next focus will be on preparing mentally and in practical terms for Ramadan, in getting to the end of this pregnancy one day at a time and in picking one project and working on it until I am done.
Art, Cars and Tears
I and Little Lady sneaked out early on the weekend whilst the other children and their gran were still in bed. I thought it would be nice to have some for just us two and to have breakfast together. We headed into town and did some chores (bank, library) and then decided to do some shopping. We came across an exhibition of art work and decided to take a look, I asked if I could take pictures and got talking with the lady in charge.
She asked if I knew about the places in the exhibition (Chandigarh and Lahore) and I mentioned that my husband was from Lahore.
Next thing I knew I burst into tears and could not breathe for the sobbing. The worst thing was I had no idea why. No the worst thing was how embarrassed the poor lady I was talking to looked. Suffice to say I was extremely mortified. Little Lady looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up. We left the exhibition very quickly.
LL asked me if I was okay and I said yes. She asked why I was crying and I said I had no idea, it just happened. She told me she was really, really embarrassed. I told her not as much as I was. As soon as it started, it was over. I had felt weepy a few times over the previous weeks over the smallest thing – a snatch of song, the thought of a wedding, waiting for a new baby in the family. But not for any tangible reason that would upset me.
I'm not much of a crier, my family know if I got upset enough I am more likely to shout at you and want to thump you than start crying. So this is a very strange experience. I'm putting it down to hormones and trying to avoid anything vaguely sentimental that might trigger it.
LL asked me if I was okay and I said yes. She asked why I was crying and I said I had no idea, it just happened. She told me she was really, really embarrassed. I told her not as much as I was. As soon as it started, it was over. I had felt weepy a few times over the previous weeks over the smallest thing – a snatch of song, the thought of a wedding, waiting for a new baby in the family. But not for any tangible reason that would upset me.
I'm not much of a crier, my family know if I got upset enough I am more likely to shout at you and want to thump you than start crying. So this is a very strange experience. I'm putting it down to hormones and trying to avoid anything vaguely sentimental that might trigger it.
The same morning we came across an exhibition of replica famous cars from my childhood programmes: The A-Team Van, the Knight Rider Car (KIT?), the car from Dukes of Hazzard complete with a pair of Daisy Dukes shorts on the dashboard and two others I didn't recognise:
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Which was just the thing to make us forget artwork and tears and pose for pictures which we knew were going to make the boys go crazy. We ended up having fries and a vegeburger for breakfast and talking our time going home. It was nice spending the morning with her, even if I did embarrass the heck out of her.
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